Warped Gratitude Blog

Today I am thankful for flirtatious guys who give me the creeps. Do you know why? Because when I run away from them, I think about the man I really want. It helps keep things in perspective. I know he doesn't mean to call me stupid, he's just nervous. I like him better when he's silly. We need to sit down and talk. I'm probably going to lose him...but he's not like anyone else I've ever met. Today was weird. I met three creepies today. I don't know what I did. Really.... Three of them. Three!! Who the heck asks someone to go out for drinks after knocking her down on the sidewalk? Who in the world emails women to tell them how pretty they are and ask them out? Who in the flippin' world gets all clingy to a woman they met five minutes earlier? Oh....my...goodness. I actually began to think my ex is testing me by sicking strangers on my hide. This never happens to me. Someone must've sprayed pheromones on...

Today I am thankful for sparks.   I have a week where I can put off answering the question that I know he's begging to ask. He's writing about sex.... about sealing the deal.... and thinly veiling it as a discussion about a sci-fi series. Then he tried disguising it as political commentary. I hang out with right wingers, they don't talk about sex in mixed company. Quite honestly, I'm not sure he's talking about me.  Maybe he's practicing on me so he knows what to say to the one he truly wants. Seriously, does he know what he betrays? Ugh.... A little self-disclosure here. I'm what they call a physical suggestible. I like sex. I like metaphor when I'm in my beta state.   If I am relaxed or in a trance, you have to give me the commands in a straight forward fashion.  You've got to tell me what you want.  If I'm enchanted by you, you can't feed me metaphors about unicorns thrusting through rainstorms or any of ...

Today I am thankful for questions.  I have one that's been eating into my soul for three days now.  Do you want to know the question?  NO? I'll tell you anyway. Drum roll please....okay, if my computer weren't acting up, I'd upload a nice little drum roll for you.  but....since it's acting nuts...you're out of luck.  Here it is:   Would I rather be happy or righteous?     This is the question that's making me dive into the chocolate.    I eat chocolate when I'm hurting.    This is the origin of my new found cognitive dissonance.    I'm trying to watch a three hour video on a damaged computer with a flash issue.  It's not going well.    I couldn't get past the first ten minutes without crying.    Would I rather be happy?  Or righteous?    I am doing crap to make self-righteous boob jobs happy.    I gave up ...

Today I am thankful for my belief that someday, I will be the right kind of bad girl.      Today I was the wrong kind of bad. Everything I did over today was bad. Everything.... My bass playing. My singing. My voice over. My recordings were so bad, that my computer started to smoke through one of the usb ports. I didn't get a lot done. The dishes didn't come quite clean. My work out sucked. The laundry was okay; the machine leaked a little but that's not my fault. I went outside without make-up. I had a meeting without my mascara. People stared. No one died. I took the bread out of the oven a little too soon. The pasta, too. Even the sun forgot to shine. It was a sucky, cloudy day. I've been moping about all day. I feel guilty. I begged and pleaded for the universe to bring me exactly what I wanted. Aphrodite and Eros heard the call. I should have asked to get my head screwed on straight. I'm not ready. I...

Today I am thankful for the lack of cold days in Hades. My ex asked me if he had a chance with me.   I asked him to explain what that meant.  He wants to be able to be my sex partner...someday... He wants to sleep with me....someday.  I told him no.  He had several chances with me.  He's been telling me to 'f*ck off' since the day we married.  I'm tired of it.  Sex is important to me.  My idea of sex usually involves activities that keep one far to busy to utter the phrase EFF off.  If my mouth is full, I can't complain.  If he's having fun, he shouldn't either.  He pushed me away.  He told me all women were stupid.  He told me I didn't count in our relationship, so he wasn't going to listen to me.  The way he treated me due to his mother's behavior ruined our relationship. He will never be were he once was.  Never.  If a judge says that we cannot afford to divorce and asks me t...

Today, I am thankful for my ability to catch on to games.   I realize why I wasn't in such a hurry to leave this place.  Men are, quite often, painfully demanding.  'Tis better to be alone than with some guy that thinks you ought to jump through hoops to impress him.  It's a shame.  It could have been hot.  I'm supposed to impress him?  How do I do that?  Fake eyelashes?  Fake boobs?  Fake Bottom?  They actually have undies with padding to make women look curvy.  Fake smell?  Fake hair? Do I buy a girdle? Am I supposed to paint myself from head to toe?  Am I supposed to pretend to be someone I'm not?  Do I buy contact lenses to make my green eyes blue? If I did that, then I'd be fake.  I'm heartbroken.  Love ya, S.  Edit sometime later: Could it have been projection?  If he expects me to be tripping over myself anxiously trying to impress h...

Today I am thankful for my ability to say NO!  Drunken Scorpios scare me, especially on Skype.   One of my November friends proposed to me in the wee hours of the morning.  He's five years younger than I.  He calls me his cougar.   Oh, gawd...NO!  I'm trying to get out of a legal marriage as it is.  Another one does not sound appetizing at all.   My friend and I have never met in person.  We have five years of Twitter, Facebook and Skype under our belts.   Nothing else.... Nothing....  He's a gentleman.  I've never seen much more than his face, neck and typing hands.     He may have seen a little cleavage.   How does he know that I'm not a train wreck underneath my blouse?   How does he know I don't have the same equipment he has?   I don't....but he wouldn't know that.  Why would men ask such a thing without seeing what they're buying? ...

Today I am thankful for bad jokes. How many 'friend-zoned' guys does it take to change a light bulb? None, they’d just compliment it and get pissed when it won’t screw. Uh.... the rushing into relationships by screwing women thingy.... is the reason why men have battle scarred hearts.  If he wants it to last, he'll be more open.  If he wants a fling, it may be wise to look elsewhere for the next sixty days.  I won't cheat.  A judge is going to have to make it crystal clear for Mr. Denial that the relationship is over.  I met a man who is is a mirror for me.  It is uncanny.  There is something intriguing about that.  I can't define it.  It just is.  I just don't know how to communicate.  I'm torn between loyalty for someone not so loyal towards me and getting some poor third party sucked into drama that, in all reality, shouldn't even exist. There is a plan....

Today I am thankful that I have a place to document the crap . It's kinda weird that this has become a blog of creepy stuff rather than a gratitude statement.  I'll just go with it.  I forgot to make tea for his lunch.  I think he's punishing me.  I'm working on a project for two friends who think they can make me a millionaire.  It's so cute.  They think that my voice can make me rich.  I'm sleeping less than four hours a day.  The house is a mess.  I've been taking the kids, one by one, to their dental check-ups.  I'm trying to get him to help me make a plan just in case his assertion that his sister and her friend are the stalkers.  He ignores me. When he gets mad at me, the house gets messy and my car keys go missing.  To remedy this, I keep my car keys in my car at night.  It's in a locked garage.   Now, he's taken to locking my car for me as he leaves for work.  Th...

Today, I think I am thankful for narcissists.   I'm not sure. But, maybe there is some silver lining in everything about them.  I mean, that need for adoration can be easily manipulated. I'm hurt. I did my due diligence.  I told everyone who the stalker was.  That way the wrong people don't get arrested if something happens to me.  The targets know who it is and they know to call the cops. My ex has blamed everyone else.  He blamed my high school sweetheart.  He blamed the minister of a local church.  He blamed the one armed man. He's blamed everybody except the idiots he put up to it. So....it dawned on me today that he has mentioned seeing his members of his family drive by the house. We've found religious artifacts on the porch (his sister is allegedly trying to make me join a cult).  This may actually be a good idea, it would be an excuse for him to sign the divorce papers. There was a gps box on my car. I thin...

  Today I am thankful for YouTube viewers; they have a way of putting things in perspective.   Yes, they can be obnoxious. They can also be quite inspiring. Several years ago, after spending time trying to convince an adorable old flame that he was hot enough to find someone to love, I decided to put up a series of self-help videos on YouTube. I wrote them for him, hoping that Mr. Scorpio would do the following up on me thing.   That kind of quiet stalking is okay. It's the threatening little old lady stalking, pulling a gun on the neighbors while spreading malicious gossip, and messing up my car with a gps box stalking that I hate. If I put something on the web, using my real name and not claiming that it is fiction... it's okay to quote me, share, or whatever.... I have a free series on attracting love and a free series on dating....I had a series about female O's but that didn't mesh too well with my conservative political aspirations, so I ...

    Today I am thankful for bail bonds. My estranged spouse really and truly wants to clear his name.  He wants to prove once and for all that he is NOT my stalker, even though I caught him on more than one occasion lurking about around professional venues. He swears up and down that it is his sister and her boyfriend who are behind the latest round of stalking.  This has been going on since January '92.  I still can't figure out why his sister would be stalking me without his consent.  I've always known Shannon to be a bit of a stalker.  She'll hang out in the back seat of my car waiting for me, she'll run around to third parties and spread malicious gossip.  She'll take guns to my neighbors and threaten my professors.  She loves phone harassment.  She used to show up at places I worked and steal merchandise.  At least she let me log what she took so I could pay for it.  The best thing to do wit...

There could be no fairer destiny for any physical theory than that it should point the way to a more comprehensive theory in which it lives on as a limiting case. - Albert Einstein Today, I am thankful for manly metaphors.   They make me laugh.  They are incredibly revealing.  So, today my friend goes on and on about nuclear processes and how protons that are similar repel each other.  Gotcha.... I'm a soft science geek.  I don't get electrical stuff....only the psychology of why it is important to talk about the things we choose to discuss in a public forum.  May he find a hot chick that doesn't feel so cozy around him.  Oh, holy crap.... He's refuting the idea that thoughts can raise frequency and going on and on about soundwaves.  In this way, he seems to be misconstruing Vitalism and misunderstanding the foundations of Eastern and Ayurvedic Medicine while invoking phallic symbols. ...

Today, I am thankful for information.    Forgive me as I try to sort it out here.    Let's see....I found out that he has a $100,000 life insurance policy on me.  It's not enough to murder me for but it would pay off most of the $120,000 mortgage. He doesn't have one on himself.  I woke up and found that he had put a budget on the kitchen table.  He claims he brings home a little over $2,600 per month after taxes.  He doesn't have a line item expense for groceries.   He makes it look like we're broke. The bankruptcy judge said he brought home a little over $3,000 a month and had at least $1,500 in disposable income.  I'm confused.  He promised me he'd help me divorce him once he found a job, so for four years I stuck around to help him find a job.  I put on fake smiles.  I networked.  I ignored my feelings for another. He was hired last February, at which point he hid all of our as...

Today, I'm thankful for bittersweet, half-baked answers. Everyone who knows me knows that I've had issues with stalking since 1992, the year I started dating my estranged spouse.  In the past my sister-in-law, Shannon , always bragged about it.  She was my prime suspect.  The cops and the P.I. say it is my spouse.  Today I learned that I was right about Shannon being my stalker.  My brother-in-law, William, identified the man who watched my old friend and I have lunch as Shannon's fiance.  They started dating the month the stalking started up again.  I thought we had a four year lull in it but now people are claiming that Shannon's father was driving by our house in the afternoon.  After I left a restaurant, a man I did not know approached me and said "Hi Satan".  I laughed and walked off.  This tall man, with dark hair, went on to hassle people in my office building, holding my picture and de...

Today I am thankful that running away is an option.  I'm tired.  I have a master's degree in psychology.  Why don't they teach us male psychology?  I mean, we learn the health benefits of sex and social support.  We learn how to steer clear of controlling psychos.  We learn how stories (e.g. conspiracy theories) reveal current challenges men are facing in their day to day lives.  Someone is worried about his financial future.  The psych degree does come in handy.  I never learned that normal men can turn into obnoxious ninnies if they feel spurned when they spring the three little words on us in a public forum, without warning.  No man has ever said those words to me prior to seeing me naked.  No one.  I'm shocked.  I'm not much to look at anymore.  When I hear that I am loved now, it is usually because I do something nice for another human being.  You know, if you can f...

    Now, I am thankful for revelations.   I'm not happy about it and it's really a turn off. But, at least, I know what I'm dealing with.  A man who I adore and desire professed his love for me on Facebook on Friday.  I haven't seen him in over three months -because- he was making fun of me -because- I was talking to other men at a political venue.  Then he mentioned something about sour grapes and putting down the taste of things out of his reach.  That's probably the best explanation for his shenanigans.  So I forgave my handsome friend for being a jerk.  I thought he wasn't interested in me.  He's the only man in the world that won't hug me.   My political foes hug me.  My exes hug me.  My neighbors hug me.  He shakes my hand.  Earlier this year my spouse asked me to consider staying with him.  I don't want to do that.  We are now looking into ways to he...