Today I spent time among my own tribe.
I'm beginning to feel that I'm fast becoming the matriarch of a tribe of Amazonians.
Today I spent time among my "five" daughters and granddaughter.
I spent time with my aunties.
My granddaughter giggled because both she and I sat between our aunts.
We both ate Jello and apples - the poor kid has my food allergies.
No shrimp, no soy, no wheat, no milk, no peanuts -
she can have bananas.
She looked sad when I told her I couldn't have bananas.
My granddaughter spent time with her Abuela. Her Abuela is her father's step-mom. She's an undocumented immigrant who cooks everything from scratch. The little sweetie looked at me and announced that she likes "beans and cheese."
Heck, I would, too if I had her Abuela. That woman can cook anything.
I always thought I'd get my own grandmother name like nana, or nutty, or crazy old lady.
I'm just gramma.
I don't speak Spanish well. If I did, I'd be Abuela
She's never met her father's real mother. She's a bruja (Mexican kitchen witch). I wonder what her grandma name will be?
It's strange. My granddaughter, ever since she could crawl, always managed to find her away up the stairs and into my bedroom. Once I followed her and watched her make her way in front of my altar just to say 'hi' to Aphrodite.
Today.....I tried to give away some of my grandmother's dolls and music boxes. I figured that I could give one away every time I see the little cutie and soon be rid of all of them.
My daughter says they are creepy. I'm forbidden from giving the dolls or music boxes to my granddaughter.
The music boxes go off every time someone is in danger or dies. They play by themselves. My daughter remembers that and her child isn't allowed to have them.
There is a story behind her distain for the music boxes.
Many years ago, I took a Prozac. I can't take SSRIs, at least I couldn't when they were newly placed on the market. I fainted. I remember the sound of the music boxes going off as I lost consciousness.
I awoke hours later. My two-year old daughter by my side. Somehow she found food and her sippy cup. She kept talking about grandma.
So....the next day....we went to visit Michael's mom. My daughter looked up at her and told her that she wasn't her grandma. Her grandma looked like mommy and wore a green dress!
That freaked me out. My uncle bought my mother a green dress to wear for her eternal slumber. I was a kid when she died!
I have no pictures.
How did my kiddo know?
So....my daughter doesn't like the music boxes or the dolls. They creep her out.
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Since I'm downsizing, I let my granddaughter take things home. I let her choose things out of the curio cabinets. There are three in my living room.
She's too much like me.
She chose a crystal pendulum
and a little doll that was given to me of the Wicked Witch of the West.
Oh my......
I've got a mini-me!
It's too cute.
I'm trying to get rid of all of my junk. I've got too much stuff.
The process of removing all of this stuff makes me wish I had married a Spartan. I should have jumped on that young man who would always ask me if I needed something before I bought it.
He'd ask "what are you going to do with that?"
I'd buy it anyway.
Ah, live and learn.
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As proud as I am of my de-junking skills, I come from a Pagan household.
In our travels, we found a 50 pound mural dedicated to Artemis/Diana. She's with her stag and holding her arrow.
My daughters loved it so much the shop owner gave it to us. I can't figure out how to hang the darn thing up.
Diana is the Roman goddess of love. I used to dream of her. In those dreams, she told me things I don't want to believe. So far, everything she's said has happened. I remember, in that very first dream, she said my eyes would turn green to remind me of her words.
I woke up with green eyes and an auburn tint to my hair. This was in 2004. I don't think my life has been the same since that day. I think I've been living in denial. I liked my boring life (aside from the stalking). It was nice being surrounded by books, dissertations, recording projects, artwork, writing projects, volunteer work, dinner parties and, you know, having a life.
Although it was lonely, it had direction.
Now, I just do what I dream I'm supposed to do. Right now, I'm supposed to pair people together who can take down horrible governments.
If people threaten me now - it's a challenge the Gods want me to overcome.
I've lost faith in my local government as they don't return calls. I'm a persona non grata. All that means is that the Gods are setting me up to do something interesting. I even offered to volunteer to help the homeless and their homeless coordinator couldn't even call me back.
I guess she doesn't care. That's okay.
I'll deal with stuff in my own back yard first. That's another blog entry for another day (broken locks, men hiding in the back yard at 3:30 a.m., the neighbors' dogs alerting me to it, my soon-to-be evicted biker neighbors installing video cams around my house so I can have footage to give to the police - and yes, I'm crying as I type this because I'm losing awesome neighbors due to archiac city code - apparently they chased this guy away from my property in the middle of the night- we have no clue who he is or why he was here. All we know is that he took the lock from my back gate and broke some branches. I have hotel door thingies shoving all of doors shut at night).
I noticed something strange over the weekend in my home town, the homeless were hiding in the alleys. I've NEVER seen that before. I sat next to the clock dedicated to my cousin and pondered the situation. What would he do?
Honestly, he'd probably chase them off like a good government worshipping Statist.
I'm heartbroken.
I don't know what to do.
I hope the answers are in my dreams.
All my dreams tell me is that I will always run away from certain things.
There was something about Colorado Springs. I don't remember it.
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Artemis is the Roman equivalent of Diana. She's the protector of women, children and dogs. My daughters (all of them....even the self-selected daughter) worship her.
Diana is the goddess that was worshipped by the Amazons.
We may as well be Amazons.
At least, I may as well be an Amazon.
I've done a damn good job convincing everyone that I am a-sexual.
In fact, when someone expressed an interest, he was duly informed that I am a-sexual
not by me.
He wanted to know why.
Um.....well.....I'm too busy to my give time and attention to a relationship right now.
That's okay.
I'm too busy.
The last couple of relationships taught me that I'm ugly and freaky. I'd rather cuddle a glock in the middle of the night. My cache is probably why some joker messing around in the backyard didn't disturb my peace. I saw men running around with flashlights. It didn't phase me. If they were in my house, I'd play Dirty Harry.
Most of the people in this house are are very good with Crossbows. Don't mess with a household of Artemis devotees.
Just don't.
I don't have to curse the asshat that invaded my property. He trampled the rose bush dedicated to Aphrodite.
Don't mess with Aphrodite.
She's born of the sea.
She has a temper.
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The dreams are bugging me.
I don't know how long I'll be able to play the celibacy game.
The truth is that if I were truly a-romantic or a-sexual, I wouldn't have the dreams that cause me to run off or remember men who wouldn't have let me be a packrat.
I know that the dating negativity is a throwback to all those years of chasing guys off when I'd go to political and educational parties by myself. I think once you spend years making excuses to be alone, those excuses stay with you.....
No Matter What.
I've just got a message on Facebook.
I have to avoid him.
I've decided not to go to my high school reunion.
He's attached.
Why the hell does he flirt with me?
I can't hurt her!
I need to stay busy for the next month.
That is why I choose to be alone right now.
There are just too many creepy guys out there.
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It's Friday. I can't sleep on Fridays.
I dream of men from my past.....
one in particular bugs me the most.
Probably because......of unfinished business, I suppose.
In the last dream, I'm sitting across from a group of men in suits surrounding a table. I'm signing documents. I'm emotional. The man who I avoid in my dreams is sitting to my right holding my hand in an effort to console me.
What is my subconscious mind trying to tell me?
The dreams don't go away no matter how much allergy medication I take.
I should be able to hypnotize myself to make it go away.
Why isn't it working?
Maybe I need more sleep.
I haven't slept very much since the men invaded my back yard on Sunday night. I slept two hours last night.
It's a shame I don't trust the cops to take a report.
Love ya,
S.