Eyes Swollen Shut

Today I am thankful for the gift of time; I just wish it would take more of the good memories with it.

The dreams are on turbo speed.

They are slightly skewed.

I wake up crying.

Today I caught the news.  Another stalking victim was killed by her ex.

Memories flood....

This started in 1992. 

Almost every single man I had ever dated was impacted by the stalking.....

every......single.....one (except Sampson...if you could call what we had as dating).

I remember Shannon and Doug watching Tom and I eat lunch in 2011.  That was the day I lost my office.  After Tom left, Doug hassled me on the street.

He called me Satan.

I was wearing a newly acquired alleged Djinn piece.  I found myself wondering.....

could it be real?

Maybe Doug saw the Djinn.

Nah......

I laughed at the thought. 

It made me laugh hard.

Doug was offended.

I didn't know who he was at the time.  All I knew is that he was tall, wore a black oil skin riding coat over a plaid shirt and smelled like Michael. 

He went directly to my office and hassled the person I lent it to that day.  He roughed up our billing clerk.

I decided that it was safer to give up my prime real estate to keep my colleagues safe.

I loved that office. 

I had planned on moving into an apartment across the street. 

My cousins owned the shop next door.

I wanted to stay.

I had to go to keep everyone else safe.

******

Nearly three years later, Shannon watched Steve and I drink coffee at a Starbucks across from my new office.

She died a little over a year later.

Then the shit hit the fan.

Doug started hassling me.

******
Even some political adversaries and I were watched as we tried to talk over issues in coffee shops.  A man sitting on the city council had a friend of his family bribe me with rare footage of Milton Erickson in order to score a coffee shop appointment -

in which he demonstrated to me that I was being stalked by a man that looked exactly like my ex-husband.

He pointed him out to me.  We waited for this guy to leave.  We were there for hours.  My colleague wound up tucking the tablecloth into his belt and standing up, causing coffee to fly all over the place.  We escaped in the ensuing chaos. 

That was in 2009.

I'm glad that I took the bribe. I love the videos.....hours upon hours of hypno-happiness to get me through the pain.

I should start a lending library. 

I'm hoping those videos help me help others.

I wish I could watch them today.  My eyes are swollen shut. 

Stupid allergies.

*******

It's been quiet for the past couple of days.

I don't know who was in my yard last week.

I'm not sure it's connected.

All I know is that when I get panic attacks, I can usually trace it to a subconscious detection of property damage.

My fence gate was damaged in the past two days.

I'm unsure how that happened.

******
The dreams bother me.

I dream of people from my past.

Sometimes I think I see them but I don't know for sure. 

I cry about it.

There are a couple of people from my past who are so dangerous that I NEVER want to see them again.

One will probably get shot if he so much as touches me.

That's what happens when you threaten people.  They never want to see you again.

One plays stupid games and gets his buddies to contact me on his behalf.  He's partly why I am hiding online. 

I thought he stopped.  I started to post on Facebook again to help people I know who were laid off and now he's having his buddies contact me.

This man taught me a valuable lesson.  If all of his exes are crazy and every single one of them refuses to speak to him - run away.  Don't walk....just run.

If he can't drive.  Run off.  If he's not allowed to see his own children.  Run off. 

I'm, quite literally, thinking about getting cosmetic surgery, changing my name and moving to a place out of the state of Colorado.

I'm licensed in eight other states and Washington D.C. 

I can go just about anywhere.  I like Washington state.  Oregon is beautiful.  California is expensive and hot but it is where the home office of my former employer is located. 

I was offered a job in Kansas City.  I declined.  Maybe I should take it. 

I keep getting emails from the company that bought out the company I used to work at.  They are offering me my former jobs at a 40% pay reduction.

Maybe I should just do the hypnosis thing full time. 

If I do that, I'll have to ditch Groupon customers and start charging everyone.

It's something to think about. 

I stopped doing hypnosis full time because of the stalking.  When I started to advertise, my ex-husband's family tended to show up and harass me.

I don't know.

******
My eyes are closed.

I can still dream.

I ponder how strange it is....that the bad memories fade with time.

I think about my relationships.....

why didn't I go back?

Why did I let the first one walk away?

Why did I completely misinterpret what the second guy wanted? 

If these guys keep coming back, why couldn't I wrap my head around what they needed those times they showed up?

I never really thought they wanted anything more than coffee or lunch.

The third guy (my second ex), he's a little bit upfront.  He'd literally throw me into the back seat of a car.  He hasn't done that since 2004.  I haven't let him near me since that day.

I've also told his wife.  She knew.  He has another mistress.  His wife is gorgeous.  I don't know why she lets him treat her like crap. 

It breaks my heart.

I never want to see the last guy I tried to date.  I have to find a standard response for the weirdos that contact me on his behalf.

I do toy with changing my name.

I did that once, in the days before the internet.  In 1992, I legally changed my name to hide from the stalker.  I thought it was the ex who tried to kill me (Mr. throw her in the back seat).  Little did I know, back then, that the man I was with was having his family stalk me.  They KNEW my new name.  How I never managed to catch on is beyond me. 

I changed the spelling of my first name.  I found a woman with a similar name to mine in the phone book and took it.  That way, there were two people with my current name in the phone book living in the city where I live now. 

I made up an elaborate story about how I chose my name.  The truth is, it was close enough to mine that my family could find me.  It was common and different enough to make it hard for people in my past to find me.

I managed to stay hidden from everybody else until 2000. 

It was great.  I was in the paper and no one knew it was me.  It was my face.  My name....ah....my name was different.

Back then, the news was printed in black and white.  No one saw my striking hair color.

I was hidden in plain sight.

It was nice.

How do I hide now?

Do I want to hide now?

The stalking caused me to hide too much of myself.

I don't play bass.  There aren't too many red-headed bass players in my town. 

I don't advertise my hypnosis practice.  I used to make a lot of noise.  I was published.  Every time I made noise, my ex-husband's family would show up. 

I don't play politics anymore.  I should do more of that.  They left me alone when I ran for office. 

Maybe some of the shit the politicos threw at me made me stink so much that they left me alone. 

I don't know who I am or what I should do.

I see my city has an orchestra.  They need an oboe player.  That's not my favorite instrument.

If they need other woodwinds, I may volunteer. 

I could at least claim a part of myself again. 

******
I wonder how and why we glamorize bad relationships.  We forget the bad stuff.  I really wish I could remember what happened.

I need to remember. 

I really fear making the same mistakes again. 

There are times I ponder things.....but the older the relationship, the harder it is for me to remember what happened.

With Steve, I have countless threatening emails that I can refer to if necessary.  There are times some of my political friends complain about a guy harassing them.  I wonder.....the things this guy says to them puts me in mind of Steve. One of my acquaintances made a joke 'ala Hannibal Lector (he threatened to eat his liver).  I want to know what this troll did to piss him off. 

With Michael, I can remember times he took money and didn't return it.  He did this before we even moved in together.  He also made me pay for 90% of the bills and refused to intervene when his family harassed me. This goes back to the early 1990's when I was too stupid to understand red flags. Those things only got worse with marriage. 

With Ross, I can remember his affair and the beatings.  I also have a crooked nose, fingers and toes that remind me of the bodily injuries he inflicted.  I'm ugly, in no part, thanks to him. 

Sampson?  I don't know why I was so clueless.

With Tom - I don't know what the hell happened there.  I remember he shook me, apologized, and never did it again.  I don't remember anything else.  I have journal entries where I accuse him of being controlling but.....I didn't write about what he did exactly.

Well....I didn't exactly write that he was controlling.  I drew his portrait and titled it "My Ex-Boyfriend is a Singular Possessive Pronoun."  It was dated two weeks after we broke up.  I do remember him following me around outside of the band room in high school and saying that he loved redheads.  He wasn't in band and had absolutely no business being there. 

Maybe that's what I was upset about?  I don't remember. 

I had a redheaded friend who told me that Tom cheated on me with another girl -but- this redheaded friend tried to....um....take advantage of my vulnerability.  I don't believe things people like that say.  By the way, it's been nearly 30 years and this guy has not changed at all! 

People don't really change, do they?

They just forget.

It seems to me that I forgot the wrong stuff. 

So....I'm spending the day meditating and trying to figure out what it is I need to remember to prevent myself from making the same mistakes in the future. 

Time plays tricks on our memories. 

Maybe it's just Alzheimer's?

It's hard to say. 

Perhaps tomorrow my eyes will open and my sight will be clearer.

******
The hardest part of parenting INFJ juniors is teaching them that there are predators out there.  There are people who prey on niceness.  There are people who use any in to take advantage of a situation.  There are people who use pity to steal time....steal money.....and other resources.

I'm not so sure I can teach six young ladies how to be wise in life and love if I can't see my missteps.

Six young ladies.....wow....

I must owe Artemis big time if she keeps bringing young ladies to me.

May you remember everything you need to know.  Remember the good times but don't forget the lessons that come from the bad.

May your children learn from your mistakes rather than live them.

Love ya,


S.