Warped Gratitude Blog

Today I am thankful for living the chaos free life. Perhaps I am overstating this a little bit.  I had a chaos free day.  I've been volunteering at the homeless shelter.  I was the babysitter.  Today the kids wanted to have a singing contest.  They all won.  The children sing and dance like angels.  I love hearing them sing about being beautiful.  I love watching them sing and dance while pointing at other kids telling them that 'they are gold.' Yes, I want them to know that they can fly.  It is a beautiful experience. ***** Let me tell you.... I didn't realize how difficult it was living with constant accusations until I didn't have to defend myself anymore.  I like this life.  I like being away from the chaos.  It is a blessing.  ***** I hate feeling like I am judging narcissists, bullies, psychopaths, sociopaths and other meanies.....the label doesn't matter, I gue...

Today I am thankful that I have more clarity on what was happening between Steve and I. I'm not sure I have a lot of time to write about it today. I'm not sure the issue is narcissism.  I do think it has more to do with childhood issues than a personality disorder.  I'll try to come back to the post to clean it up. Typically, Steve would send me nasty demanding emails, break up with me or complain after he had conversations with his mother.  They seem to be an enmeshed family. Steve sent me several emails claiming that I didn't honor his requests.  When I asked him about it, he said he wrote those because his mother made him eat potatoes. Yes...I know...one's mother cannot make anyone eat anything.  I think most parents learn that lesson when they have a toddler in the house.  You can put something in their mouth but that doesn't mean they'll swallow. It's the same with bullying.  People can bully us but we...

Today I am thankful for time to process heartache. Never hear what somebody thinks about you, you'll live longer. Hear that they're in pain. Don't hear their analysis. - Marshall Rosenberg The problem, though, is that when everyone else hears that analysis, it causes problems in the real world.  That analysis causes me pain. It causes my friends to analyze him. Men who see him write lies about me call me on the telephone and flirt with me. I wonder what he said about my religion. One of these guys is Pagan. I didn't know that. What on earth would compel one of our mutual friends to call just to announce his religion?  I don't know. Lies and accusations take a lot of time to sort through. It sucks my creativity away as I spend hours upon hours trying to reframe  and defend against the lies and accusations.  It doesn't matter if I love someone. If they are wasting my time and going out of their way to hurt me to get my attention, I ha...

Well....today I am thankful that I can change all of my passwords on my Hotmail and MSN accounts.  So.... I received a message from MSN stating that they were logging me out because my email had been accessed by another computer.  How in the world does something like that happen? I changed the password when Michael told me that Shannon helped him set up our computers back in 1998.  I really hadn't changed it until recently. I had a lawyer tell me that he thought my ex and his family were hacking my email and reading our correspondence.  It did explain how he and his mother knew when I went to the doctor.  I'd set the appointments up via email.  Steve sends me messages at that address.  He's a professional hacker.  He is the guy his clients call when they fire someone mean enough to change the passwords to the computers before they leave.   I thought he had integrity.  This would not be something I'd think he...

Today I am thankful I can change my Facebook password.   Wow.....it looks like someone may have hacked my account last August.   I do have an Android phone but I've have never been anywhere close to Texas. I've seen some hacking on that website from a city 90 minutes away (in the area my in-laws live).  I've never been hacked out of state before.  The last time that happened, I was actually locked out of my account.  My ex called to tell me that my sister-in-law went to Twitter bragging about hanging out by my house.  It was crazy. The cops told me to pretend to be out of town until things died down.  Only Steve knew where I was. This time, there were no bizarre things going on.  I didn't have to change my password or contact Facebook.  It went unnoticed. Just in case it is notable, I thought I'd document it here. I should have documented it the last time it happened. I hate that annoying websit...

Today I am thankful for something to do.   I spoke to my friend who used to manage the homeless mission.   I now have a volunteer job.  I babysit the children of homeless women on the days kids are not in school.  My teenager will accompany me so she can get some volunteer experience to put on her college applications.  I start next week.  I guess something good came from Steve's game.  I wouldn't have spoken to my friend if Steve's "girlfriend" hadn't called me pretending to be homeless.  I'm not sure she's his girlfriend -but- I am pretty sure he put her up to calling me.  It's bizarre that the day she mentioned that he sent her rude and upsetting messages on Facebook and that she wanted me to look at his profile  - was the very day he harassed me on Facebook.  I think she was trying to get me to unblock his profile by asking me to look for her naked pictures on his page.  Wh...

Today I am thankful that I gave up caring about toxic people.  I'll let people be the people that they are.  If they want to stalk, I don't care.  I have my ccw.  If they want to post crap to my Facebook page, I don't care.  The people that know me tend to call them out on it before I see it.  I don't care.  I don't.  People are going to do the dysfucktional stuff that they do.  Who am I to stop them?  My expectation is to stop worrying about weird stuff so I can be there for the people that need me.  I am a little bit torn today.  It's Tom's birthday.  He's the big 45!  Woo hoo!   Yeah..... I don't know if I should bug him now that I know it was Steve that was trying to make contact with me. Tom only contacts me when he is lonely, in pain, or has a broken leg because he did something incredibly brave (like jump out of a plane and freak out his friends and...

Today I am thankful that I figured out why I was getting calls from a young woman claiming to be homeless and in need my help; the last time she called me she began by  gossiping about Steve and asking me to look at his Facebook page. Steve was using her to try to get my attention. She wasn't the first person to contact me Steve's behalf. She wasn't the last, either.  ***** I hate Facebook. Some people live by it.  I used to make my living with it but then I became politically active and attracted all sorts of bizarre people into my life. ***** My ex-husband made a post about a man who was dating our daughter.  This man is from Texas.  He's 25.  He thinks I'm a cougar and he thought I would sleep with him.  I called him a clown. Uh.....good mothers don't sleep with people who date their daughters. That was.....well...kinda creepy. This was the guy who lied to the cops and got my daughter arrested. ...

Only our best friends and greatest teachers will have the courage to say those uncomfortable things to help us get out of the mud and back on our paths.   Today I am thankful for my competition. I love being a hypnotist because I have the most wonderful colleagues in the world. I bought a refresher Stop Smoking Hypnosis Course from another hypnotist trainer.  I bought it because I'm too lazy to create my own business forms.  It comes with the forms.  Usually, I can't read anything this man writes without learning something new.  I figured that I couldn't go wrong investing in his products.  I received the package yesterday.  It was supposed to contain four CDs. I received five.  Do you want to guess what the fifth one was?  It was a hypnosis session entitled "Overcome Your Lost Love." I'm a little bit tickled at that discovery. This is perfect!!! I love this guy's voice.   This is the mo...

Today I am thankful that my bullshit detector is finally working.  For the past three weeks, I have been receiving calls from a young woman on the east coast.  She claims to be homeless.  She wants to go to school here. She calls and asks me about my living situation.  She will sit on the phone with me for hours.  It sounds like she's crying on the phone. I've spent a couple of hours talking to homeless advocates who give me advice and resources to share with her.  I don't think she's following through.  One had a job and a living arrangement for her. She doesn't mention that during the calls.  I understand.  Before I got married, I used to work with homeless people.  They lose faith in people because so many people make promises they don't keep.  People flake out on them.  People harass them.  People treat them as non-human.  It is hard for homeless people to trust. I understand....

Maim me, tame me, you can never change me   Love me, like me, come ahead and fight me   Please me, tease me, go ahead and leave me   Never mind.....responding to people who sling mud at me makes us both look like pigs.  This is why I chose to go no-contact.  I didn't do it to be punitive.  I did it so I could find peace.   Today I am thankful for the insight that things will sort themselves out with time. In time, the truth will reveal itself.  With that truth, I shall know how to proceed.  ***** Right now, I am waiting for a call from the Superintendent's office.  I want the statistics on crime, expulsions, suspensions, and teacher layoffs for the school my daughter attends.  I have a hunch that the mass layoff of non-tenured, yet popular teachers, may be the factor behind the upheaval in the school.  The bullying became horrid early last year.  The non-tenured...

Today I am thankful for good friends and time to sort through confusion.     I spent yesterday at a voting symposium.    Mike wanted to go because he wants to fight the mail in ballot system.  I let him go with me.    It's not stalking if I know about it.    It's bizarre.  I dyed my hair dark brown and gained 15 pounds, everybody recognized me!   They looked at me like I was crazy because my ex-husband sat next to me.    Well.....as long as I am a good little girl and do everything that is expected of me.....the stalking will stop.    It has....as far as I know....it has.  I haven't seen my in-laws hanging around.  I haven't had any property damage since this summer.    Now....what happens when I get a good paying job is anyone's guess.    ***** Today I created two new resumes, wrote job seeking letters and called my friends to a...

Today I am thankful for hair color. I do have to say something rather vain. I finally found the secret to dark brown hair.  It is burgundy henna cooked on my head for eight hours.  My hair has been almost black for three weeks now. It also straightened my hair.  YUCK! There is one problem.  NO ONE takes me seriously with black hair.  People jump when redheads speak.  People try to sweet talk brunettes. This is certainly new to me.  If I put a little lemon juice on my hair, it'll be red by morning.  I'm seriously considering it.  I need people to do stuff. I need to be ME! I will be in a room with my activist buddies tomorrow.  I want them to recognize me.  I want them to help me decide which battles to take on and which ones to jettison.  I want to be the quiet, smiling, scheming redhead in the room again.  I want people to know who I am when I speak.  Everyone knows me...

Today I am thankful for The Bible. It is helping me get over my guilt for cutting people off.  I'm cutting out a lot of people.  This verse helps the most. Warn a divisive person once, and then warn them a second time. After that, have nothing to do with them. (Titus 3:10 ) But know this: Difficult times will come in the last days.  For people will be lovers of self, lovers of money, boastful, proud, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, ungrateful, unholy, unloving, irreconcilable, slanderers, without self-control, brutal, without love for what is good, traitors, reckless, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, holding to the form of godliness but denying its power.  Avoid these people! (2 TIM. 3:1-5) I'll add more as time allows. That Zeus is one wise father.  ***** I'm on a cutting off spree. I caught my daughter's 5th grade teacher being nasty.  I thought all was well but I went to a parent teacher co...