Warped Gratitude Blog

Today, as dark as it sounds, I am thankful for terror.  Terror is a useful warning device.  Those alarm bells are ringing.  They are ringing so darn loud that some of my friends are picking up on it.  I can't pinpoint what is scaring the holy heck out of me.  The stalking bugs me.  It usually picks up around October and ends with a bang in  Mid-January.  I haven't heard hide nor hair of the stalker since January 12th of 2012.  His sister, the one who admits to doing the stalking, called me despite having a cease and desist letter but that was nearly a year ago.  I've had tons of anonymous hang up calls this year.  I've had several this week. No one following me or anything. The last stalker was a male.  When I go into hypnosis to remember the incident, my mind goes to a man flirting with me as I sat with my old flame.  The man was in his late thirties, blond with a horrible fake and bake tan.  He just stared.  He sat at a table for two with with a

Today I am thankful for all those lovely moments that occur when politicians attack.     I'm really surprised no one has written a script based on political attacks.    It would be a great comedy.    - I was a young pup when I was attacked by my first politician.  He was my step-uncle.  He beat his son within an inch of his life in front of a red-headed ten year old. He told me to keep my mouth shut because no one would believe me.    The case worker at social services did.  I went down with Grandma and we had a tale to tell that matched a young man's bruises.     My uncle never did win the mayor's seat.    This female dog only grew worse with age.    - I've always been an activist.  My baby sister was a run away.  I spent years fighting with the department of human services trying to win custody of her.  I lived in a huge metropolis at the time and, quite sadly, Human Services preferred that she live on the street in their city than

Today I am thankful for the understanding I feel when all the threads of a confusion situation finally meet.    I hate conspiracies.  I always have and I always will.  Given enough time, money, attention and research one can usually figure out who is behind even the worst of situations.    It's easier to get to the bottom of political problems that it is to find out when someone has a personal problem with you.    Now, over the past twenty years, I've had trouble understanding how my stalker knows where I am and what I am doing on any given day.  Next month will mark the twenty-first year I have had to deal with this stalking problem.    At first, I thought it was several people.  Now, I am narrowing it down to just one.  The man in the basement wants a reconciliation; he doesn't necessarily want to be in a sexual relationship with me, he wants to be married to me in the eyes of the public.    I want a divorce.    Why?    The stalking drives

Today I am thankful for confusion because it is a sign and a signal that something is screwed up . I tried to go one Christmas without arguing with the guy in the basement.  I really, honestly tried.  We made it until midnight without harsh words.  So, technically, we made it through a Christmas without a fight.  We don't really fight.  It is more like one of us expressing a concern and the other person saying that no problem exists.  Tonight it was my fault.  I told him that I was terrified that I was going to cheat on him.  It would be nice to actually end our marriage, or failing that, ending the ambiguity about our relationship.  I haven't been with a guy for....gasp...years! He said 'I know'.  That's it.  He knows.  There is no solution.  Nothing... I went on to say that it would be nice to put an end to the stalking.  He knows.  It would be nice for me to be able to hold a job.  He knows.  It would be nice to know if I should unpack or p

Today I am thankful that someone I know has a label.   I've been trying to leave an abusive relationship for several years.  I couldn't understand him.  For years, he was more concerned with what other people thought about him than our relationship.   I'm supposed to put on a good show.   For over a decade, he defined our relationship as a fake marriage.   He told me yesterday that his therapist suspects Narcissistic Personality disorder and thought about referring him to get an MMPI.  An MMPI is a personality test.  It is not infallible and it is not concrete but it can give people a starting point in defining why one has difficulties relating to others.  He told me that his therapist pointed out that that he could only see his own perspective and is incapable of understanding the perspective, needs, desires, and goals of other people.   He also told me that his therapist noticed that he twitches when he is asked to talk about other people

Today I am thankful for medically based abuse excuses. I'm being a bit sarcastic here.  Those shrinks that blame traumatic brain injuries for controlling behaviors are incredibly off base.  Control is due to a delusion that some men have that they are special and deserve deference.  It is not due to an organic cause.  Besides, I have checked into this possibility numerous times over the past twenty years.  A neurologist cleared him.  Sigh.... Some people can't believe that men can be dorky control freaks, so they have to make excuses.  Don't let your daughters fall for that.  Love ya, S. 

Today I am thankful for dumb bunny politicians.  Just one month...that is all I ask.   Please, little whining cry babies, let me have one month of peace without your crap touching someone that I come into contact with.   Please.... I was a shut-in for six months.  My phones didn't work.  Still, the local government's antics bit me in the side.   They wanted to bitch about my tree.   They wanted to poke.   They wanted to prod.   People would write me letters about the abuses of the city government.   I can't get away from it!!   I have been a freakin' angel despite their abuses.   Yep...I have been a kind old lady.   I even dyed my red locks brown to hide from the public.   I put away my cauldron.    I send my djinn on errands to save little children in the third world from predator drones.  Okay, okay,  I have to say that because my stalker thinks I'm a Satanic witch.  I've gotta live up to that expectation.

Today I am thankful that my ex has an internet addiction.  So, if you know me you know that I live with my ex.  You know that he lives in the basement and that I have my own bedroom on the third floor of our suburban home.   His mother spread lies about me around Thanksgiving of 1999.  Due to her stories, he basically quit talking to me. The holidays here are hell.  I haven't really celebrated them since 1999. He freaks out whenever I leave, so I've stayed.  .   By freak out, I mean threaten to kill people, driving like a monster, and punching holes in walls.   He went into therapy in 2001 and I thought it would do him a world of good.   It hasn't.   In April of 2006, he came home from spending a day with his mother and called me his ex.  He moved into the basement.  I've been alone since then.     I've been trying to divorce him since that day.  Within a month of my retaining council, he lost his job.   I've stayed to

Today I am thankful for curses.  There is some asshole of a man out there who taught his son to disrespect his mother.  His son, being a psychopathic piece of crap, shot her to death this morning and proceeded to kill 20 schoolchildren and six more adults before doing the world a favor and offing himself. I will curse the father so he lives a shell of a life.  If he's dead, may the demons have mercy on his soul. Any man, who teaches his son to disrespect his mother is a piece of crap. My father-in-law is a piece of crap because he taught his son how to treat a woman.  My daddy taught me how to kick a man in his crotch. As of this morning, I neutered the guy for being a stalking piece of crap. Look buddies, if you spill your semen, be a dad.  Don't beat your wives.  Don't tell them that all women are untrustworthy and then expect them to mind your wives.  That short circuits a little boy's brain.  If I had a nickel for every occasion my ex told me that all

Today I am thankful for the defensiveness people display when they screw up.   Examples include - the child who insists that they ' did not take a cookie from the cookie jar .'  - the husband who insists that he ' did not have sex with that woman .'  - the mayor who continues to maintain that he is disgusted and shocked when people accuse him of ' criminal activity and stealing taxpayer funds .'   The later likes to do this out of the blue.  He claims that people say these things on videos and online forums where I cannot hear or see such insults.  This man has does this on more than one occasion.  He has a trio of council people who follow him on his rants.  They will literally freak out and copy the mayor for no good reason. I don't get it. I mean, people can try to give him hints on how to pass a tax hike and he'll interrupt them and accuse them of calling him a thief when the person said no such thing. To me, this

Today I am thankful for being a former anorexic.   When I was a teen I suffered a bout of anorexia following my modeling experience.  I think I actually ate more than the other girls.  I had a 500 calorie per day diet.  My high school sweetheart took matters into his own hands.  After school he asked me to take him out to eat every night and always shared what I bought him.  Back then, I figured that he was growing and always hungry.  Now, I realize that he did that for me.  In fact, to this very day, we still fall into old patterns.  He will only meet with me in restaurants.  He will quiz me about what I ate.  He will still offer me food from his fork or chopsticks.  We both recoil in horror when we realize that we've fallen into the same old arguments. That poor, poor man.  Now my old friend would give me gifts of vitamins and protein powder.  These have served me well over the years.  To this day, it is a habit.  I have protein bars stored in case of catastrophes and