Today I am thankful for my built in warning system.
I have PTSD.
Sometimes I get panic attacks.
For me, they are incredibly brief. They may last five seconds or so. It's a little spinney type of sensation that gets my attention and then goes away.
I do have asthma. It feels similar but it is different in that the asthma causes me to cough when I can't breathe.
Panic attacks do not cause coughing. They make my heart race, they make me spin and I get breathless.
I just think of grounding my feet into the ground and I'm better.
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Today the young lady staying with us graduates high school.
The plan was that the young lady have breakfast with her family and that they would drive her to the venue.
I was to drive my daughter to the auditorium so she could watch her friend graduate.
Those plans changed about 90 minutes prior to the graduation.
The young lady's father decided, in his infinite wisdom, that he and his mother were going to pick up my daughter.
They even drove to the house.
I did not know.
This guy scares me because he has a lack of boundaries.
He'll openly talk about how pushy his mother is.
The last thing I want for my daughter is to deal with them hounding her for three hours about the reason I let his daughter stay here when he gets abusive.
Remember.....this was the guy who called me a "man-hating lesbian" and came to my door when I asked him not to come over.
He has no boundaries.
He scares me. I'm probably more scared of what I would do if he pushed or hit me.
Some guys think women like me are wimpy. It's more that I'm terrified he'll wind up hurt.
***
It was at the point just prior to him arriving to my home today that my internal radar went off.
After talking to my daughter for a few minutes, he decided that he didn't want to take my daughter to the auditorium, so he drove off.
Within 40 minutes of his leaving, my daughter said her head hurt and she began to throw up. She's in bed resting.
She's going to miss the graduation.
No, he did not give her anything to eat.
I'm not sure exactly why she is sick.
I'm trying to get her to go to an Urgent Care clinic down the street.
Something is wrong here.
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There was a murder in the area over the weekend.
It was a divorced couple.
The ex-husband, wife and the four year old boy were found dead in the family home. The man stabbed his ex-wife and son. Then he shot himself.
This is what countless therapists thought was going to happen to me.
I was warned that some guys stalk and kill their ex-wives with the deluded belief that they can have their family back in the afterlife.
This has me a little freaked out, especially given my interaction with Michael earlier this week.
Michael wrote to me on Monday demanding the title to a van I gave him after the divorce. I gave him the van because he needed it to keep his job. When the van was in a crash, I signed the title over to him so he could collect the settlement money and move out of my home.
He took the cash.
He didn't move out.
It took me another seven months to evict him.
He wrote me on Monday wanting the title so he could scrap the van. I didn't think it was in this house. It took me several hours to find it.
I found it.
I taped it to my door and went about my day.
I found out later that he wanted me to meet him in a parking lot with it. I told him 'No.' I'd prefer to mail it.
He wouldn't take no for an answer. Email after email arrived basically claiming that I wasn't being considerate and that I had to meet him with it in hand. He didn't want to walk to the house because it took too much of his time.
I met him at the time and place he requested. He missed the bus so I had to go back.
He's unemployed. A neighbor promised him a job and I tried to give my ex the information and he refused it.
The whole time I was with him he was angry. He was incredibly angry. He was shaking and scowling and I was NOT comfortable in his presence.
Due to that interaction, I decided that I will never answer any emails that do not have to do with the kids.
After reading about the man who killed his ex-wife and son, I decided not to keep anything of his around that would give him cause to visit my home or meet me alone ever again.
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My internal radar is going off.
I'm getting hang up calls from a hotel down the street. I'm trying hard not to freak out.
It could be a wrong number.
It could be the young lady's relatives who are visiting from out of town.
It could be my ex. If he is homeless and can't pay the rent, it's possible that he's hanging out in a hotel.
I don't know. They aren't leaving messages.
I'm feeling a little off kilter.
That's the utility of PTSD and panic attacks.
There is something afoot, I just don't know what it is.
Maybe I should check the windows and doors.
be right back.....
*************************************
I didn't see anything wrong.
One of the locks is a little bit sticky. A little WD40 and all will be well.
Nothing seems wrong.
I don't know.
***
There is a lesson here.
The lesson is that I need to set better boundaries with controlling people.
You can always identify controlling people because they are the ones who don't take NO for an answer.
Both my ex and the young lady's father are controlling people.
My ex is angry that I've given his basement apartment to someone else. When I met him in that parking lot, he had a suitcase with him. It was small. There didn't seem to be much in it -but- it was suitcase.
Maybe he thought he could come back?
I don't know.
I'm very uncomfortable now.
He IS angry.
I'm frustrated.
I'm busy.
I'm thinking that my radar is telling me not to let people drag me into uncomfortable territory. Most of the trouble women find themselves in is due to manipulation -
we let people violate us by taking small steps...
they just want 30 seconds of our time.....
then they want to use our bathroom....
then they are in your home and have a multitude of ways to harm you....
The police - they won't do a darn thing until the damage is done. You can't even have people escorted off of your property if they claim a right to be there.
I NEED to get better enforcing my NO when these folks show up on my doorstep unannounced or call to demand that I do favors for them. I tell them no. The problem is that they argue and makes scenes.
I need to get comfortable slamming the door on them or ignoring my phone.
Maybe it's a bit of a stretch -but- something is making me uncomfortable.
I tend to get myself into trouble when I ignore that feeling.
I'll write back if something interesting happens.
I think the goal is to learn how to ignore pushy people who can't take no for an answer when it comes to my time and energy.
Love ya,
S.