Today I am thankful that I am recognizing attempts at control.
I'm not sure exactly what to do about it.
So.....
On Monday, my ex-husband demanded that I hunt down the title of the mini-van I gave him after the divorce so he could sell it for scrap.
It took awhile.
I found it.
He wanted me to meet him at a parking lot somewhere to drop it off. I can't mail it to him. He didn't want to pick it up from my house.
He threw a conniption when I expressed discomfort about meeting him at a parking lot.
I finally relented.
I waited at the bus stop. The bus arrived. He wasn't on it. I waited for about twenty minutes before I realized that....he may have gotten off at a stop closer to my home.
I went home. He wasn't there.
I returned back to the original parking lot to find him waiting....angrily...because he'd been there ten minutes!
He was livid.
His level of anger made me uncomfortable.
I swore up and down NEVER to play that paperwork game again.
He does this to me every two to three weeks.
It's exhausting.
*******************
Now, he's playing the same game with visitation.
He claims he's living in a half-way house.
He says that he's unemployed (but refuses job offers I tell him about).
He sold the car.
Now....the game is to ask for visitation at times when I'm busy or asking it just a few hours before he wants to exercise it.
It's a crapshoot as far as what days he wants. Nothing resembles his original visitation.
I'm expected to drive the kids around because he can't.
There are times when he's asked for visitation during times I have job interviews or clients.
I told him NO.
In fact, I told him that I just want to go back to the court ordered schedule because I cannot continually avail myself to his demands. I need to know what to expect. I'm not trying to be difficult but he's communicated with me several times this week in order to ask for something.
It's getting to the point I don't want to check my email anymore.
I'm trying to get away from him and build my life away from him.
When it comes to following the visitation guidelines, he told me NO. He cannot follow the court order because he is unemployed, basically homeless and has no car.
I don't know if I believe him.
I need to know what to expect. I need to have time to build my life, find a job and clean up the mess he made.
I've been unemployed a little over six weeks now. I've spent most of that time cleaning up after him, packing up his things, hunting down documents for him and that kind of thing.
I'm tired.
.
I'm debating taking him back to court to hammer out a visitation agreement he can live with.
I know he'll go to jail if he shows his face in court again.
He owed me more than $52,000 as of last August. He was found in contempt of court. I have THREE judgments against him.
I shudder to think how much he owes me now with interest.
Maybe this need to control is due to his unemployment?
Maybe he has the time to be annoying now?
Or maybe I'm more available to him because I'm here.
This is exhausting.
I probably should sell my house and move.
Love ya,
S.
NEXT DAY EDIT: It's the narcissist attack game. I can't do anything right. Even if I do it right, he'll re-write history.
So on Friday, he asked for visitation this coming Tuesday (the 30th). I've got a client and a job interview so I told him NO.
The job doesn't pay well. It's at a call center. I asked one of my creditors for a deferment and they offered me an interview. Awesome, isn't it?
My ex then wrote yesterday (Saturday) asking that he have visitation today (Sunday).
I told him NO because we made plans. We visited my ex-husband's father's grave. He's buried by my dad and a family friend, so it wasn't too far out of the way.
I didn't tell my ex that. Those were the plans for today.
I received a nasty email today complaining that it's too much of a burden for me to help him schedule visitation a week out.
A week?
He gives me a few days at the most. Even then, he's not very specific as to the hours. The expectation is that I drive the kids around.
After much thought, I told him that any variations from the court ordered visitation would have to be made a week prior to taking place. I asked him to verify when he will pick up the kids this coming weekend.
We'll see.
He's going to demand that I drive the kids around to meet with him and he will NOT let me know when until the very last minute. In sum, it should take control away from him and narrow down the times he can demand from me.
In reality, that will mean that I cannot see hypnosis clients the days he wants to exercise visitation because I'll have to clear up my day to deal with him and drive the kids to the venues he wants to visit with them.
Just watch......
The stalking hasn't ended, has it?
The longer this goes on the more clear his role in the stalking has become.
He's keeping tabs on me.
He's keeping control of my time.
It's very depressing.
With the level of anger he demonstrated towards me last Tuesday (when I dropped off his paperwork), I'm feeling very uncomfortable. I'm almost to the point of asking to drop the kids off to visit him at the police station.
I'm not sure that's a good idea if my ex doesn't have a car.
I'm almost to the point of taking him back to court.
This time I won't ask the judge to keep him out of jail.
Sigh.....
Love ya,
S.
EDIT LATE SUNDAY NIGHT:
I just got another email.
So...now....he's upset that he has received correspondence from the state about child support and that he has to pay rent and has no car....so he doesn't want to see the kids. He asked me to apologize to them for him.
I've asked the state to log any child support payments sent to me so they can keep track of it. The letter is a statement telling him NOT to send me money - to send it to the state. It's not like he'll ever pay it. Just in case....if he pays them instead, I don't have to worry about keeping track of it. There will be a record and it will keep him out of jail.
It's safer for everyone this way.
That must be the reason he's so angry with me. The social workers know he's unemployed. They promised to help him find a job because you can't get money from someone who doesn't have any.
It seemed like a win-win at the time.
Yes, I have spoken to their hiring manager, too. I'm trained in social work. They need someone who is bi-lingual. My Spanish is mal.
I did apply with another department across the hall from the child support division. If I get that job, I can't run for office. I'm not sure how I feel about that.
I need a job, so.....I'll take my chances.
I'm not going to respond to his email.....
I think he's upset that I asked him to give me some notice prior to changing up the visitation schedule.
I'm not comfortable with this at all.
The level of anger he showed towards me on Tuesday scared me.
What do you want a bet that I'll wind up as a curious murder story on 9News?
Sigh....