Warped Gratitude Blog

Today I am thankful for epiphanies. I am going to try to make this as short and sweet as I possibly can.  I think that I am in danger. One of my in-laws contacted my ex-husband about my move out of state to get away from the stalking. I don't know why this bugs me.  It just does.  He claims he hasn't spoken to them for well over a year. I don't know.  He swears up and down that I am in no danger.  He says that his sister  or another relative will try to approach me to ask me to stay in Colorado.  They may try to intimidate me, he says, but he knows that they will not harm me. He thinks he can get Shannon to sign a statement saying she will leave me alone.  If he produces proof that the stalking is over, I will stay. I don't believe that at all.  I don't believe a signed statement will be proof that it is over. I do believe that his sister would do far more than rough me up if she had the ch...

Today I am thankful for boring places....like Kansas. I awoke this morning with an epiphany. I must sell the house and move the kids as far away from the stalking as humanly possible. My ex-husband does not like the idea. I do not like it either.   The children can get scholarships here.  If we move, they lose those opportunities. I don't know what else to do. I'd prefer that my kids have student loans and be saddled with debt if it prevents them from being killed by a psycho with a gun. Besides.... I can't afford the cost of living where I am unless I want to go back to celebrity status.  I'm not really famous -but- in order to do what I do and make money, I have to be in the public eye.  Being in the public eye invites more stalking.  Right now, I'm trying to hide from everyone and everything until the stalking blows over. I don't understand why my in-laws are trying to break into my home....

Today I am thankful for the gift of fear. I sense that something is going to happen.  I awoke with a panic attack at 4:00 again today. I've had them on and off today.  The cops tell me that my ex-husband is my stalker.  My ex-husband swears up and down that he is a stalking victim.  He claims that his sister is stalking him and harassing me in order to annoy him. He doesn't want to move out of the house.  He refuses to split the accounts.  He is not taking our divorce seriously at all.  I am at a loss. This seems weird.  I am tired to talking about it.  I am near the point of selling the house just to be sure I can get away from it all.  I found a website today that listed signs of a stalking ex.  I'll post them below.   I will highlight the things that Michael has done to me in yellow.  I will highlight the things his sister has done to me in green.  Things that have happened but I do not kn...

Today I am thankful for my enabling ex-husband. Michael buys me cheesecake, ice cream, and chocolate when Steve acts out. I do eat it.  Okay, I am not thankful that he does that per se.  I DO see the wisdom in eating a lot of fattening foods when you are not fit for romance.  It makes me fat.  NO man wants to see me naked when I am fat.  I get to break up for being fat and letting myself go.  I don't have to address what is really going on.  What is really going on? Steve is being hyper-judgmental and I am recognizing the need to let him go.  ***** It's been a long weekend. I pissed off Nick because I won't tell him what is going on in my personal life.  That would create intimacy. I'm not ready for that right now.  ***** I spent the weekend volunteering for a political party.  When I walk in the room, everybody knows my name.  The head of the party hates me.  He rolls his ...

Today I am thankful that the clouds are starting to lift. I am still ignoring men.  I am ignoring the men I love.  I am ignoring the men who slap my ass.  I am trying to take time to process all of the negative feedback that I receive.  I am not sure how to handle it though.  I want to know why I attract dark emotional people who try to break my heart.  I am trying to process all of the negative criticism that has come my way over the past six months. I haven't slept well in three weeks.  I realized, though, the negative criticism is NOT about me. The man who complains that I don't do anything all day wishes he could work for himself. The man who complains that you never loved him, - well, he never loved you. The man who is claims that he knows more than any psychotherapist on the planet, needs a lot of therapy. It goes on and on. I have let myself be a male toxic thought waste dump.  I'm not sure if it woul...

Today I am thankful for basic reasoning skills. I spent the past weekend hearing about how insecure I am.  I felt intensely scrutinized and criticized by Steve. I also heard about how Steve claimed that I tried to start a fight by disagreeing with him.  He went out of his way to threaten me to insure that I would never come back. I heard that there was another woman but he claimed he wasn't interested in her. Last night, I learned that Steve feels like I never loved him.  He claimed that I couldn't say "no" and he picked a fight to give me an out.  The thing that pisses me off about that is that Steve has actually met men that have been told NO!  One was told NO to sex.  Several were told NO to dates. He actually told other people that he thought that I couldn't say no and never loved him.  I am incredibly embarrassed by that. ***** My sense is that he is projecting his insecurities onto me. ...

Today I am thankful for cycles. I made myself sick over the weekend. I did go to the Pagan Festival with Steve.  I bought the tickets, we may as well use them. We shared a tent. I spent a good chunk of the time crying.  Crying makes me look funny and gives me sinus problems which, in turn, leads to bad breath, no kissing, and no fun.  Steve kept talking about my insecurities.  He's a little concerned that I spend so much time worrying about my appearance that we don't get around to having horizontal polka parties. When I'd ask if I need to work through my insecurities before entering into a romantic relationship,  he'd get upset.  We'd go rounds.  I'd start to cry.  I couldn't sleep.  It was weird.  I feel incredibly judged by Steve.  There is one point where he implies that I "sit around the house all day" which really hurt me.  At that moment, I realized that I DO NOT want a relation...

Today I am thankful for defining at least one thing I want.   I want a chastity belt. I'm starting to develop a crush on Nick. I spent the last week avoiding him.  Last night, I had a wonderful conversation with him until midnight.  There were some things said that made it awfully hard to sleep. I went to bed wondering if, perhaps, I need to move on.  I mean the universe brought me a guy who would let me practice my bass for eight hours straight without getting angry.  He'd let me listen to all the Bootsy I wanted.  He would understand why I need to practice until I can sound like Larry Graham before going to an audition.  Crap, he'd know who Larry Graham is.  I could be my Pagan self.  He'd understand my desire to sit in my recording studio all day. I could be my Liberty activist self.  I could watch all the movies I wanted to watch.  I find it easier to talk to him about sensual stuff than Steve.   He make...

Today I am thankful for Internet wisdom.   Some unnamed guy wrote the absolute brightest pearl of wisdom I have ever read. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.  That sums up my experience over the past year with Steve.  Breaking things that aren't broken, kicking tires to see what is underneath the hood, causing fights to find out what a woman is like when she is angry, and playing mind games to see how she will react will, in the end, insure that you'll end up with nothing. My lesson is that if you let a man continue to play these kind of games with you, you'll wind up with the booby prize. Love ya, S.

Today I am thankful for escaping confining relationships. Beltane is the holiday where women choose their mates.  I decided to go to the Pagan festival by myself.  I wanted to go to get over my fear of sex and relationships.  I thought I would go with a partner. I paid for the tickets.  I may as well go by myself.  Maybe there is a reason why Steve and I broke up right before Beltane.  Maybe we are not right for each other.  Maybe I need to find another Pagan to do the great rite with me.  I'm sure things will work out. I'm still sitting at home and crying my eyes out.  When I'm not thinking of Steve, I'm think of the little boy that passed away, and a little girl two blocks away whose father has just died. Life is full of pain.  I should try to bring more love and joy into my environment no matter what is happening in my life. This is what I am trying to do now. ***** I am trying not to eat the ice cream my ex-h...

  Today I am thankful for goals.   My goal for May is to not get nasty, flirty and filthy with strange men.   This includes Steve.   Steve been pretty eff'in rude.    You know, I'm surrounded by rude males.    I'm not doing a very good job being boring and kind. I just avoid them.   I attract a lot of strange men.  Probably because I'm strange and people tend to attract people into their lives who are just like they are.   Okay...that's good.   The only problem is that I can only handle one strange guy at a time.    I also promised myself that I would start censoring my dirty mouth.   I have a friend who looks a little too familiar.  He smells a little too familiar.  I am staying a good distance from him.  When I write dirty things, he sees into it.  He chastises me for writing things dirty on blogs and social media when I am obvio...

Today I am thankful for agreements. It wasn't a good agreement. It was a painful one. It had to be made. I promised not to see another man until my ex-husband moves out of the house. I feel trapped here.  I feel afraid to leave because the house is mine.  I feel afraid to publicize my business or public speaking gigs because his sister stalks me.  I feel terrified to get a full time job while he is here knowing where I will work. I feel trapped by circumstance. Again, he promised to distribute what little is left in the account I was awarded during the divorce.  It now stands at $18,000 and is half the value that it was the day the court put a stay on the account forbidding him from accessing it. I don't trust him to split the funds. I know the real problem is that my ex-husband has not moved on. I know that this was why Steve flips out.  I have had a guy contact me to tell me that Steve was acting cra...

Today I am thankful for smiles.   I did my usual Saturday shopping yesterday.  I went the same route I usually take when I used to visit Steve on the weekends.  I'd stop at a Goodwill a few blocks away from his house. Then I'd go to Albertson's. Then I'd spend an hour or two in Old Town Inglewood.  I'd hit the Goodwill in my part of town because I live on the cheap side of the most expensive zip code in my city.  I get a lot of brand new designer clothes there.  Then I go home. Oh, and why is it that when I decide NOT to go camping with a man all of the things I wanted to buy for the trip go on sale? UGH!!!  I feel guilty for cutting Steve off but I had to do that.  He wasn't interested in me.  Sometimes Eros's arrows sting.  They bring pains that are difficult to bear.  Maybe I should have given him more gifts upon his altar.  I know Steve and I are both in pain.  I am NOT w...

Today I am thankful for Al-Anon. My friend Andrew has been trying to tell me this for a little over a year.   It seems Andrew will mention his struggle with alcoholism every time Steve posts something bizarre or rude to my Facebook account.  I am beginning to believe Andrew is right; the insults, the put-downs, and the miscellaneous craziness is pretty much due to alcohol. I'm so stupid.  Steve is not bi-polar.  He is not paranoid.  He most likely has not recovered from his alcoholism.  I don't know for sure but it would explain a lot of things.  Paranoia is a symptom of alcohol abuse.  So are the jerky eye movements he exhibits when he is feeling intimate.  The abusive emails, texts, and voice messages he forgets about could be a sign.  Steve once tried to pressure me into drinking alcohol at a bar.    Other things point specifically to alcoholism, such as his legal...

Today I am thankful for time to be alone.   It's Friday. It's beauty routine day. It's dress buying day.  It's a day for me to pack away my hippy dresses I bought last weekend at the thrift shop.  I spent $5.00 and got two dresses and a top.  You should see the dress I bought on Ebay.  It's designer.  It's new.  I got it for $12.00.  I may turn around and sell it.  The other ones on Ebay are going for $75.00.  A lady at the near new shop found me the perfect lace jacket to go with the designer dress.  She gave it to me for $1.00.  Maybe I'll keep it and wear it when I get my groove back. I bought the clothes for the Pagan fair next weekend.  I was going to take Steve.  It is Beltane Celebration.  It is a weekend where we celebrate Pan (e.g. Dionysus).  It is a week of sexual energy, of lust, and of love.  It's a shame he doesn't understand Beltane.  If h...

Today I am thankful for the advice of a fellow bass player. I hope he doesn't try to discredit me because I like round wounds and do not know how to play on the fifth string.   That's a joke.  I guess threatening to discredit people is what some guys do when you disagree with them. ***** I am trying to avoid men.  My friend has picked up on that.  He is telling me that I've let the ex before my last ex do a mind job on me.  I think he wants to offer the cure.  The cure, in his mind, is watching a marathon of Science Fiction movies.  I'm a bass player, too.  I know what we like to do with our fingers while watching movies.  ***** I can't have a man in my life. I can't get rid of my ex-husband. I feel ugly.  I feel like a "looser". I am in a lot of pain that I do not want to share with anyone no matter how handsome or hot he looks in his kilt.  I am alone.  I am where I ...