Warped Gratitude Blog

  Today I am thankful for the calvary being on time.     I'll make this quick because I'm doing a lot of work.   My 23 year old daughter went missing.  Her ex called freaking out that she never came home last night.   He wasn't concerned.  He seemed jealous.   That's what scared me.   I wondered if he had beat her.  Her father took her out to a game and I thought maybe her ex was jealous.  He gets weird when she leaves the house.   So, I called the cops.  She wasn't in jail.  My ex called her friends and family.  She wasn't there.  Her father went through her Facebook list.  I called the hospitals.   We couldn't find her.   Only after posting a message on her Facebook wall, did she finally call me.   She was okay.   While I was on the phone with her, my ex called the police to tell them that she had been found. ...

  I don't know whether or not I'm thankful for alimony.         It can be a useful bargaining chip but my ex offered me everything just to get away from the marriage.  His mother wants him to move back home.  I'm realizing that the violence, the refusal to allow me to work, and the stalking were ways to scare me away from him.    When I told him about seeing a lawyer, he offered me everything.  I told him that it wouldn't fly very far because it wasn't fair to him.  Then, an old time lawyer schooled me.    If I waive alimony, it's more than fair.    Yes...the legislature in my state has updated their alimony and child support guidelines.  The very senators and congresspeople that I call spineless and wimpy, may have saved my kids from losing their home.  Yep. I've spoken to five lawyers.  They all say the same thing.  My ex will have to...

  Today I am thankful for truth because I sure miss it.   I'm still a little angry.  Okay, I'm very angry.  I need to get away from the crap in order to process it.  He's pissed me off.  Few survive the wrath of Siegfred; lives get changed when I get mad.  No one escapes it. No one.  I'm realizing that I've been lied to quite a bit.  I trusted someone I shouldn't have again.  I don't know.  I received a phone call from our adult daughter today.  Her boyfriend broke up with her two years ago.  They have a kiddo together.  Shortly after the baby was born, he moved out of her apartment to be with another woman.  It didn't work out and his name was still on the lease.  She let him come back.  He hasn't left despite making it clear that they were no longer a couple.  It's been about eighteen months now.  She found another guy.  He's a sweetheart....

  Today I am thankful for a local cop. The department doesn't really understand cyber-stalking.   When I'm trying to explain to a police officer how to get Facebook to email a person with the IP address of a stalker, that's not good.  The only proof I have of what was going on was due to cyber-stalking.  Seriously, what is the stalker going to find about me online? Hacking into my accounts only tells them two things: 1.  I give men blue balls -and- 2.  I like to compose and post a lot of self-help videos and audios. I know what is going on.  I'm being played with in a bid to keep me here.  I'm not going to write about it again unless there is a valid threat.  Someone gets off on my fear.  Trying to break into my house while I'm home doesn't count.  Someone is going to have to make a verbal or written threat against my life.  I am realizing that someone is using the stalking ...

Today I am thankful for middle age because it means that I'm half dead.    If for some f'ed up reason I have to stay in this house with the ex in the basement, I won't have to do it for more than forty years.     My ex wants me back!  Oh, gawd...he wants me back!  He walked out on me the first time in 1999.  He did it numerous times over the years.  He did it in 2008 and after a week, I nearly changed the locks.  He left again in 2011 but I let him back when he promised to help me get a divorce.   We've been talking about a divorce since 2007!  He has his room.  His relationship status has been listed as Separated -or- Complicated forever.  He told me f'ck other men years ago.   He only wanted me here for appearance sake and promised that if I stayed to help him get a job, he'd cooperate with a divorce.  He lied.  He's been f'ing around with money and credit so...

Today I am thankful for witchcraft.  Paganism is fairly empowering.  We worship gods and goddesses   Some are straight.  Some are gay.  All are beautiful and powerful.  The religion is about getting in touch with human archetypes.  We work to discover what god or goddess qualities dwell within our subconscious minds.   When the city attorneys were hassling me, I was in my Kali phase.  Two years ago, I asked Isis for help because I had no clue what I was supposed to do.   Last year, I was praying to Lilith to help me get away from my version of Adam.   In February, I promised to live like Aphrodite for a year.  She's been good to me.   I'm failing miserably in keeping my promise.   People who live like Aphrodite are supposed to give refuge and gifts to the hearts and bodies of men.   Now, at the time, I made it clear I didn't have the intelligence to hang around mo...

Today I am thankful for understanding the reason why men who are attracted to me cause me run off.   I really don't think I'm good enough. Six years without sex does something to a woman.  I feel ugly as sin. I really feel ugly. I think I've started to pick myself apart. My teeth aren't white enough.  My breath is never fresh enough.  My make-up is never right.  My clothes don't fit right.  I'm never thin enough.  The pores on my skin are too big.  The stretch marks on my skin are a turn off.  Maybe between the time between my shower and the moment a guy hits on me all the shaven hair on my leg miraculously grows back. I've spent years wondering why I'm not good enough for a 500+ pound guy. I can't imagine why anyone would want me. I should mention that I did seek therapy for this.  I couldn't do it though.  I'm not going to have insurance much longer and the therapist on the insurer's plan was insane. Apparently ...

Today I am thankful for passive aggressive social media posts: they give you insight into the minds of men you love.   Yesterday, I met a man.  He looks like my high school sweetheart but without the kilt.  He was hot.  He sat next to me.  When the dolts wanting a one billion dollar tax hike asked if anyone had the time to read the details of their proposal, both of our right hands shot up in the air.  I didn't like that electricity.  I squirmed away.  He offered to walk me to my car, I ran to the bathroom and escaped through a backdoor.  This man found me online and asked me out.  I'm trying to find a nice way of saying that I'm unavailable without saying why.  I knew who he was when I saw him.  He's a friend of a political frenemy who knows my situation.  My frenemy can't keep a secret to save his life.  He's a good man, just a little too helpful.  This man knows I've been sep...

Today I am thankful for pictures.   Today, someone sent me a link to Shannon's Facebook page and instructed me to use their account to log in and view it.  I viewed it.  I printed off three pictures.  I signed off and blocked her so I can't access her ever again.  I now have a picture of the blond woman who tried to break into my house standing next to a red truck that looked exactly like the one that pulled into the driveway.    Yes, my stalker is indeed my sister-in-law Shannon. The woman had the thinnest blond hair.  It was horridly thin and straight.  That is the hair that Shannon sported in her picture last summer.  Shannon is my stalker.  I also have a photo of the man who harassed me as I left a lunch with my high school sweetheart.  It is her fiance, Doug.  I'm going to take Doug's photo down to my old office and see if my former colleagues peg him as the man who trespassed in the...

Today I am thankful for my new definition of creepy.       Okay....     imagine wanting to buy a gift for a current crush.  Say it is a movie that he said reminds him of having sex with a politician.    Now, imagine all the potential filthy fantasies a redheaded chick may or may not have had about watching said movie with her love interest.   curled up on the couch pretending to watch said movie with her love interest.    Imagine finding said gift on Amazon and putting it on your wish list with a note that it is a gift for someone with the name of your crush and wanting to buy it and give it to him to share with his current cuddle bunny.    Imagine your ex buying the same gift for you because he saw that you wanted it.      Then imagine him saying that he wanted to watch it with you.      Eeeewwww!!!      I don't ...

Today I am thankful for charming men.   I went to a political meeting today.  A man sat next to me and kissed my hand.  "Are you married?"   He asked.  " Yes."   I said.  "Happily?"   He inquired with blue eyes that could cut through the coldest of steel. "No."  I started to blush.  "Thank goodness I have a hot boyfriend."   "Oh, you must all be Libertarians that understand that kind of thing!"   He exclaimed.  " Actually, yes.  We all believe in personal freedom. " Those words came out of my mouth as I caught my reflection in the window.  My face matched my red hair!   Wow. The man and I went on to talk about literature and helping someone win a council seat. I found that weird.  I am absolutely huge! I've got to lose at least forty pounds to fit in last year's clothing.   I think I look like a hippo.  I have to go back to the doctor to...

Today I am thankful for philosophy.     So, early this morning my friend leaves some philosphical drivel that could be described as a layman's description of transactional analysis.  He wrote something akin to 'I love you if my needs are met and visa versa'.    Okay....he was tying it to a political post.  He misspelled the word "of course" to read "coarse".   And yeah, he was being a tad bit coarse but he taught me a couple of things about myself. He's always been a good mirror for me.  Yes, I like philosophy but not at 6:00 in the morning on snowy days when I'm slip sliding around on the road.  Yes, I like philosophy about psychology but not about love, sexual desire, and all the fun stuff while I'm on Facebook and someone connected with my ex is signing into my account.  Love... it is partly about needs getting met.  But above that, it is about communicating about those needs.  It is a ...

Well....today I am thankful for Westminster IP addresses.   I think my stalker can be served with a restraining order now.  I checked with the DSL company and there is no way that my machine logged into Facebook during those time frames.  They said that it came from a computer in the area Shannon lives.  It came from a computer using IE7.  I use Chrome. We'll see.  It will be nice to get that stress out of my life. I'm not happy.  I almost let Shannon off of the hook. Last night I met with several other activists who found gps under their cars, too.  I was beginning to think that Shannon was innocent. They all had active court cases.  I don't. Then, too.  Shannon called within 24 hours of that box falling off my car to offer a cell phone on her family plan. She and her boyfriend are on tape harassing people in my office building.  Then a woman looking like her tried to break into the house.  The truck was regist...

Today I am thankful for love.         Love changes everything.      The most we've done is admit that we love each other.  We don't go out anymore despite his offers to take me places.  I'm terrified of the stalker.  He's got a kiddo.  I don't want anyone hurt.    I need a safety plan.    My friend helped me batten down the hatches online, so the stalker can't take over any more of my accounts.      The career counselor thinks I should go into Human Resources given my background, do charity work as a grant writer and utilize my publicity skills in my work with political parties.       I miss my friend but understand that I can't be with anyone until I have the ability to support myself without help and am virtually stalker free.    So...I don't know what to do.    Michael says that his sister is j...

Today I am somewhat thankful for changes.   Mike is looking for an apartment five cities away.   I still think that if his sister is stalking me, I should move out but he wants me to stay here to take care of things.  I learned today that Shannon tried to use a bump key and hammer to break into our home as I prepared to visit a local artist on my birthday.  I'm scared to death.  I'm not sure I'm safe in this house.  I went to a career counselor today.  We spoke about the stalking and really the only way that I can stay safe is to switch careers.  If I continue to be a therapist, the state will post my contact information online for the world to see, so I have to give up the job I love.  I'm a little sad about it.  I'm trying not to cry. I also realized that Shannon and Mike were both alumni of the school I graduated from.  They will be able to get my contact information if I update it with the universi...

Today I am thankful for realizations.   Michael handed me a note promising me the house, the 401K and custody of the kids.  I told him to come up with something a little more fair towards himself. He started crying because he doesn't want a divorce.  I'm all he lives for. He hasn't touched me in six years and I'm what he wants. Yeah...right!! I am so flippin' pissed! I knew it!! I knew it!!! The games...the stalking...the lying...the bullshit...the threats to kill himself.... it is all designed to keep me here. I still don't get the stalking shit.  He claims it's his sister and he can't keep me safe from her.  He can't help but tell them how to find me, so he tells me that I will never be safe so long as I am married to him. The cops say he's the stalker and that I'll never be safe until he moves on to another woman. I'm confused. I'm seriously thinking that the only way to stay safe is to move far away....

Today I am thankful for being stuck in relationship limbo.  I finally realized how I know that men are interested in me as a relationship partner.  It is a three step process. First, we have either a friendship or other type of relationship (quasi-professional or community based). Then, they find out I'm getting divorced.  Then, here is the key, they start asking a heck of a lot of questions.  When our coffee outings start feeling like job interviews, I know they want a wife.   My friends always attract the players, the assholes, the ingrates, the slam 'em and bam 'em guys who forget to say thank you after they make a mess on your dress.  I get the nice guys that want to parade diamonds on my finger.  I get to turn down the gifts, the fancy dinners, and the concert tickets.     I get to meet the parents, the kids, and I get investigated to the hilt.  I'm not sure if ...

Today I am thankful for liberty minded men.   I had to go to a political thingy today.   I like how I can command the politicians with a look and a gesture.  They don't recognize me.  I've changed my hair.  I've changed my manner of dress.  I wear glasses.   They stare.   They don't know who I am until I tell them.   I met a man while waiting today.   He jumped when he saw me.   He was cute.   He reminded me of my friend.   He sat next to me and tried not to stare at my cleavage.   He reminded me of my friend.   He sat there shaking.   My friend doesn't shake.   He comes on a little too strong.   My friend doesn't do that.   Two men had to come rescue me.   I'm avoiding Facebook again.   Yes, the television cameras were trained on us yesterday.   I got an email that someone was disappointed that they didn't ...

Today I am thankful that dirty words are in the mind of the speaker.   I had a guy tell me that he was going to say a dirty name that contained two g's, an n, and i, and e,  and an r.  I was getting ready to smack him silly and call him a dirty racist prick.  And he uttered the word Ginger.   Oh, I guess it fits.  Love ya, A. 

Today I am thankful for the right love....  but hurting that it is the wrong time.   I'm in a lot of pain.  I've been this way for years.   I always wondered if there was anyone out there for me.   I thought that if I met someone who I really like being around, who was beautiful to me, who had a lot in common with me, who challenged me, whom I love, who loved me and found me beautiful, too...  I would find heaven.   It's not what happened.   I found an angel while knee deep in hell.   I found such a man and I thought he didn't care for me.   I felt I was lucky to count him among my friends.   When I learned that he loved me and wanted to build a life with me, it turned my world upside down.   I'm beating myself up for being so blind.   Every weekend, I sit up in my room alone and sob until 3:00 a.m. or so.   On Fridays, I'll do little rituals to the Gods and God...