Warped Gratitude Blog

Today I am thankful that I am free.   I passed the test.  It was negative.  I am free to be me.  Now, I'm sucking down lemon balm and rose tea to rid myself of heartbreak!  To complete the spell, I have to bury an egg and thirteen walnuts.  We shall never feel each other again.  I am so happy! No man will ever again get to own me!  I am free!  Love ya, S.

Today I am thankful for the lessons I learned from the most recent relationship fiasco. Celibacy rocks!  I will never again bitch about sleeping alone.  I have a new appreciation for my former sexless marital life. Celibacy means never sorting out another person's mind games.  It means I don't have to worry about expensive estrogen pills that make me sick... or trying not to snore in the middle of the night.  Celibacy means not sucking down simethicone tablets so one doesn't fart while being plowed.  Celibacy means not worrying about lustful north migration and bumping heads on the headboard. Celibacy means not worrying about the garlic one ate at dinner, whether or not the hair is trimmed short, whether the legs or smooth, or if you have spare underwear in the glove compartment. Ah, maybe my life isn't so bad after all.  It's all good!  I guess the trick is finding someone who is worth the estrogen, the simethicone, and...

Today I am thankful for Lemon Balm Tea.   I blocked my "boyfriend" akin the old saying "out of sight, out of mind." Oh, if it only worked that way. It turns out that he is insane.  Or he doesn't listen.  It makes more sense that he is insane. He is angry that my divorce is final in eleven days.  He pretended to forget that we delayed the final hearing so my ex could get a tidy tax refund.  We had that talk months ago before I let him get me alone.  He said he was an anarchist, so the government didn't define my relationship in his eyes.  Well....I wanted time alone and away from craziness in his life and he threw my divorce in my face. It was his ace in the hole.  I wasn't ready for a relationship.  I let him push me and now I'm pond scum because I didn't wait for my divorce to be final. I remember him asking if an eight year celibacy streak was enough time alone.  I guess it wasn't. It was mo...

Today I am thankful for knowing what life experiences I DO NOT want to repeat.     I feel as though I have spent my entire adult life extricating my lovers' gonads from their mothers' smothering arms.    I never want to do that again.      My current love has somehow managed to allow his mother to control her grandchildren (his children).  This gives her a certain amount of control over him.  He has become her puppet.  She has already (allegedly) made mention that he should leave "people like [me] alone."   That's enough for me.  I've not really been comfy with the relationship since my boyfriend told me that.  Now, I'm less comfortable than ever.  It's a long story and one I don't understand.  Either he withheld information from me for some unknown reason -or- his mother withheld information from him.  Either way, it puts me in an uncomfortable position where I feel rushed into...

Today I am thankful for having alone time.   If the men in my life don't shape up and/or ship out, I'm going to have a lot more alone time.  My ex is guilt-tripping me into staying married.  Our divorce will be final in sixteen days. My best friend is guilt-tripping me for not meeting his family.  My family is trying to get me to become a lesbian.  I am tired.  My ex is insane. My current flame is getting pushy.   I am thinking that I am going to be alone. I am tired of the antics of other people.  I don't know.  Is love really worth it? I need to lay low for a couple of weeks.  I'll take some time to think about what I need but I'm fairly certain that it does not involve men.  Love ya, S. 

Today I am thankful that I am finally understanding NPD Communication strategies.     They triangulate!!!  In other words, they communicate through third parties. I don't like the Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) label.  I am a trained psycho-therapist and it is fairly vague.  It only describes a certain subset of behaviors.   My ex was diagnosed with NPD.  He has to control everything!!!  He is always the victim!!!    I'm being stalked by members of his family but haven't seen any of them following me around in a little over two weeks.  I'm silently cheering.    My ex will tell me that he is a victim of his sister.    That's weird.      I still can't figure out how she knows where I am and what I am doing.    My ex must be telling her.    My ex was supposed to move out on October 21st.  I politely gave him until ...

Today I am thankful for cheap cell phones.   I'm a little bit freaked out today.  My ex hasn't left the house in 72 hours.  He claims that he is sick.  I don't know.  Maybe he is.  Maybe he isn't.  He won't go to the doctor.  After talking to a fellow stalking victim, I realized that my Android phone had spyware on it.  My phone was accessing the 3G network and changing my settings all by itself.  It would install new files without my permission and my permissions on the phone were changing.  I thought I had gotten it wet but that wouldn't cause the problems it is having.  My phone was hacked and has to be reset.  The weirdest part of all is that my sister-in-law has turned up in places I was visiting.  One day upon seeing her watch me at a coffee shop, I found a protective shield for my vehicle hanging on the ground when I went into the parking lot.  I'm wondering if a new GPS device wa...

Today I am thankful that I have 31 days to go until my divorce is final.   My ex is still living with me.  He is telling me that he will not move out until I have a good paying job.  That is the catch-22.  I don't know how to get a good paying job working for someone else.  I haven't worked in a traditional job in 17 years.  I haven't held a job in 22 years without being stalked by a member of his family!  I have no references that will not tell prospective employers "she's afraid to come into work because some fat chick follows her around" or "her husband doesn't want her to work." I am not sure I can do that until I know for sure the stalking is over.   I can work for myself.  I am not sure that I can work for anyone else.  It is creepy.  I spend the weekends that my ex wanted with the girls with Steve.  It is incredibly creepy to have my ex call me when I'm with Steve to ask me to pick up stuff...

Today I am thankful for those moments where I get confirmation that my ex has NPD. According to the separation agreement, he was supposed to move out and split the assets by November 1st.  He didn't do that.  In exchange for keeping the newer car with the new engine, he was supposed to get my car repaired or help me buy a newer one.  He didn't do that either.  Over the past few days, my van has been acting up.  I'm having trouble starting it.  It stalls at lights.  The brake light comes on.  The check engine light has been on for five years.  Today, after driving it for about a half of an hour, the smell of gas fumes overtook the cab.  I can't drive it anymore due to the fear of an explosion.  I asked to borrow my ex's car.  He's sick.  He's not using it.  I have to pick up the kids.  I have to go to a meeting.  One thing about people with NPD is that they will claim to have the same probl...

Today I am thankful that I am beginning to see a new life for myself.  I have a friend who is an insurance salesman.  He sat down with me for an hour and solved quite a few problems for me.  That was helpful.  The brakes on my van went out on the way home.  Yesterday, the damn thing kept stalling.  I guess it is time to pray for a newer car.  The frigid temperatures are making it hard to breathe.  My teeth still ache from my dental work.  I stopped at the local thrift shop looking for craft ideas for Christmas.  There is a guy who works there who flirts with all the ladies.  He flirted with me.  He said he always imagined that I was a doctor or a teacher given the way I dressed. I told him that I used to be a hypnotherapy instructor.  His eyes widened.  He quickly went back to work.  He set out one of those 1970s era French bread pans.  I love those things....

Today I am thankful for being a b!tch.   I made two executive decisions.  First, I'm going to do everything in my power to avoid talking to my ex.  He's insane.  He's confusing.  When he talks to me, I run for chocolate.  I've gained 7 pounds dealing with him over the past two months.  So...I'm going to take no more shit from him. I'm going take a portion of the $5,000 my ex stole from the IRA I received in my divorce settlement package to fix my teeth and advertise my business.   I don't know how much is left.  I'll just take it out of the bank in $350 increments until it is gone.  I'll do what I can to increase my business while I can.  I have a lot of great mentors.  They'll teach me how to use my skill and charm to make money. I'm also going to get the kids to the orthodontist and make the down payments on their dental work if the funds are still there.  Because the City of A*rora is hou...

Today I am thankful that I have an ornery plan. If you read my blogs, you know that I am being stalked by my in-laws.  I'm not sure when they are considered my former in-laws.  I haven't willingly spoken to any of them since 1998.  The cops say my ex is putting them up to it.  My ex says they are doing it on their own so he doesn't care about it.  This is why I kicked him to the curb.  If your sister is following your spouse around while you sit on your hairy ass and do nothing...it is YOUR PROBLEM.  I'm pissed. My in-laws will follow me around and menace me.  They say things like  "You bitch!  You won't let my brother [insert crazy demand for money or time here]......" -or- "You bitch!  You won't give my brother his mail and he missed my [insert family event or intervention session here]....." I do give him his mail.  I think he just chooses to ignore it.  If they were nice to him, I bet he'd ...

Today I am thankful that I noticed how my ex's lies become the truth.   I'm not happy about it.  Frankly, it makes me sick to my stomach.  It doesn't matter what the reality is.....it is what a dysfunctional person thinks it is.  Maybe understanding how that happens can help me create the reality that I want.  ***** I miss my love.  I was having withdrawals, so I invited myself out to lunch with him.  At noon, I met him at a coffee shop across the street from my office.  He bought me hibiscus tea, with little flowers and fruit bits in it.  It was yummy -but- truth be told, I was there for the company.  As we sat at a table chatting, a woman was standing at the door.  This woman looked just like my ex's sister.  Her name is Shannon.  Shannon was 589 pounds, according to news reports.  She lost 300 of it over the past three years.  That makes her nearly 300 po...

Today I am thankful for life's humorous moments. I have a friend who I used to crush on before I met my love.  This friend is a musician and a talent agent.  He lives in [edited out for privacy], so I never get to see him.  He flies out to my city occasionally but I never get enough notice to drop what I'm doing to visit with him.  I don't want to give his name.  Let's see.....we'll call him....hmmmm.....Bob.  Bob recently complained that all the women he dates want a guy with an 10" penis.  Yeah..... Not I....it's too much.  It's like having GG cups and not being able to run a marathon due to the pain.  Once I said that, I think Bob fell in love.  He writes to me all the time and wants to chat via the telephone.  He's trying to set up radio and television interviews for me.  Uh...NO!   I'm hiding from those websites where he contacts me now....

Today I am thankful that I finally understand the story.   I know some of my gurus are going to knock me for needing to understand the story.  I had to get more information before moving on.  I didn't understand this until a couple of hours ago. What happened was someone in the community called me.  He needed a lawyer because his child was caught with drug paraphernalia in his car.  My daughter works in the legal field.  She deals with drug offenses.  I called her.  She asked about the divorce.  She asked if her Dad was still at the house.  She asked if I was going to cook Thanksgiving dinner and whether or not her Dad would be there.  Yes, he's still here. Yes, I'll cook dinner. Yes, he'll be here. Yes, she can show up.  At that moment, I felt guilty for wanting to move on with my life.  My ex's boss mentioned wanting to see me at a Christmas party.  Uh...we are getting divorced.  I...

Today I am thankful for restraining orders and new phone numbers.   I hate to say it.  Years ago, my stalking in-laws would use me as credit references without asking.  It got to the point that my brother-in-law told his creditors that I was his WIFE!!!  Guess whose creditors are calling me now asking for dough? I can barely get my ex to pay his bills.  I cannot afford his brother's debt.  Okay....there is something that I want to say to William D.  If I haven't shaken your hand since 1996, I'm NOT a credit reference.  If the only words I speak to you are to ask you to leave me alone when you are following me around town, I am NOT a credit reference.  If your brother and I sat you down and told you to stop using us as credit references in 1995, I am NOT a credit reference. If I sent you a cease and desist letter in 2001 due to phone harassment, I am NOT a credit reference. If you received a second ...

Today I am thankful for the light of candles.   I realized somewhere around 4:00 a.m. that my ex is probably going to kill me.  He said that he signed the separation agreement because he thought it was a big joke.  It's on file at the court house and he doesn't believe I'll go through with it.  He won't honor it.  He's been calling me his ex since April 2006.  Isn't it time to move on?  He's depressed.  He scares me when he's depressed.  My ex was the treasurer for an issue committee that we helped create back in 2009.  He filed the paperwork when he usually does but tells me that the city council changed the due date.  He missed it and they levied a $150 fine payable immediately. I'm thinking that he purposely did not file with the city clerk knowing that the council would levy a fine.  This is the latest excuse not to honor our separation agreement for another month.  Of course, the city clerk said the...