Today I am thankful for Carl Jung.
When I think of the filthy dreams I've having, it helps to think of Jung.
A shrink may tell me that I have an unconscious urge to be with someone from my past. Jung, well....he'd say that I'm running from my animus.
I'm running from my power.
So...the past two nights I've had dreams about someone I used to know. I affectionately refer to him as the Vertigo Instigator. When I'm near him, I can't decide if I should fall or flee. I usually just stand there getting dizzy to the point of needing to go to the emergency room.
I now carry Meclizine to my home town when I go to visit with the homeless....just in case...a vertigo attack comes close.
It hasn't been a problem.
Yeah....I avoided the place for years. Avoidance is stupid. It's my home. I tend to get drawn into political battles there because I care for my former neighbors. The population is aging. They're going to need people like me to pay attention.
I didn't realize how much I'd been to the grocery store until a young man approached me to ask for a donation to the school. Apparently, he sees me there a lot so he thought I'd like to buy coupons from local retailers.
Children....they see things we refuse to see.
******
I've had a lot of dreams about Mr. Vertigo. I push them away.
I've had one....it won't stop. Perhaps if I understand its meaning, it'll go away.
In this dream, my old friend, invites me to his apartment so I can pick up things from my past. I enjoy spending time with him. I express curiosity about my high school ring. I wonder if it looks just like the signet ring I wear.
I'm curious if I can get back in touch with the me from my youth. I'm more approachable when I'm me.
In the dream, I go. As I enter the apartment, I am followed by my ex. Mr. Vertigo notices and has a friend entertain my ex while I follow him into an adjoining room to get my things.
In this room, he gets very close. Before I know it, he's moving my hand towards an exposed and rigid body part.
I apologize.
I flee without my things.
I watch him walk outside with my ex. There is a beautiful girl with them. I pray she is Mrs. Vertigo.
*******
Now, I woke up freaking out a little bit. Dreams starring my old friend always make me cry.
That would never happen because....well....because my old friend and I have scruples.
When we were dating, he really wasn't that into me. I mean, we shared a hotel room at seventeen. He was a gentleman.
I didn't turn him on....sigh.
Besides...we are civilized. I know that the mind is more of an aphrodisiac than.....well....jumping right into things. We can talk the talk; I'm not sure that I have what he needs to walk the walk.
I don't know if I could do that with anyone anymore.
It takes a woman about seven hours of alone time with a guy before getting to that point for the first time. It takes me a heck of a lot more time.
I'm not sure that contact five years ago, six years ago or thirty years ago counts towards that seven. We've had seven hours. It feels like we have always been friends. I'm not sure we could have been more.
I'm not what he wants. If he didn't jump me at seventeen, he isn't going to jump the middle age version of me.
Still...it is unnerving to have dirty dreams of someone you used to know.
*******
This man looks similar to me. We have the same face. We have the same hair. He has blue eyes. I have green mood eyes that turn to brown if I get angry or stressed. He has more facial hair - I have two hairs I need to pluck, he's got a whole beard thing going on...
Other than that, we are very similar.
We looked so much alike, our classmates thought he was my brother.
It was creepy when we dated because people thought we were inseparable because we were siblings.
If we were to kiss, people became incredibly confused.
I look just like his mother. I think it was hard for him to kiss me.
He looks like my father. It was weird for me, too.
Sooo.....
There are reasons we are not together. I don't know exactly what they were. They are there.
********
I justify these dreams, which have come and gone for over thirty years in various forms, with Jungian interpretation.
I am not dreaming of Tom.
I am dreaming of my animus - the masculine part of me that takes action - and works towards achievement.
My animus is not allowed to get rigid or else my ex gets pissed. My power is why I get stalked. Stalking keeps me quiet and weak. Controlling men are not threatened by weakness. They are threatened by independence and power.
I am holding back.
I am not whole. I've split off from my strength.
I'm waiting for my ex to leave to let my animus back in.
I can't keep doing that.
*******
Furthermore, I'm not afraid to go to my hometown for fear of running into Tom. I'm afraid of getting so riled up due to the pain the citizens are enduring (e.g. homelessness that the community is trying to solve) that my animus is going to take over and make a mess of things.
Without my creativity, my anima, my animus isn't going to solve many problems.
Weird.....
********
I awoke and saw that a Pagan Libertarian friend has been trying to reach me. He's handsome, smart, kind-hearted, lives 1,000 miles away and is five years my junior.
As much as I'd like to talk to him, I've been hiding from my online contacts due to the stalking and hacking.
Maybe I should get things resolved and call him back this time.
Maybe I need to stop seeing myself as old, ugly and ineffective.
Maybe it's time to stop pulling away from my animus, grab him and get back to being myself.
I need to get it together and become whole again.
If I do that, maybe the dirty dreams will stop.
Love ya,
S.
Edit five days later: Okay, so deciding to embrace my masculine side made the dreams stop. The vertigo is still there. I still have panic attacks at home.
But, I don't have nasty dreams anymore.
That must've been what was going on. I was disrespecting my tough gal side.
I get picked on for being too feminine. I'm pretty girlie. I even own pink suits! I could probably wear a different dress and pair of shoes each day for six months!
I fell in love with a $2,400 vintage pink Fender bass not too long ago.
It's worth more than my car....so....
I let it go.
If I would have realized the key to stopping these types of dreams is fighting more of my own battles, I'd have done it sooner. I guess I can afford to be a little more tough and action oriented.
Life is good when one can sleep!
Love ya,
S.