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Silent Nights

Tonight I am thankful for the lack of drama.....

and sleep.

I am really thankful for sleep.

I forgot how much I missed my herbal tea at night.  The bad situation caused me to retreat to my bedroom or hide out in my car.

The little rituals that made me happy went by the wayside - things like working out and sipping damania tea....I haven't done those things since my ex lost his job and spent nearly every hour of every day in this house.

I hadn't done these things in over a year.

****

Life if peaceful.

I'm getting about seven hours of sleep now.

I still have nightmares. They're not nearly as scary as they used to be.  Now they typically involve my ex-husband digging up the front yard to grab things he's hidden from me during the divorce.

That betrays my subconscious belief that he's hiding crap -or- that he's digging his own grave.

He never said good-bye to the kids.

One is hurt.  The other two are pissed.

I don't know what to do.  I convinced one of the kids to buy their father a Christmas gift.  The others....they won't. 

The eldest is coming to visit tomorrow.  She hasn't stepped foot in this house since the divorce was final.

******

I haven't worn dresses for a few years since the mess on the leg incident in 2012. 

My sister noticed.  She bought me a red dress.  It's four sizes too small.  I used to be a size 8.  I'm a 12 now.

I've gained twenty pounds.

So....I've been cleaning the house so I can get to my workout equipment.

I don't know how long it will take me to get over my fear of wearing dresses.

Change happens one day at a time.

It's strange what this situation has stolen from my personality.

*****

I've spent the past day with the girls cleaning the house.  He left so much stuff here, much of it broken.  I don't know what to save for him or throw away. 

I don't know if it is even my place to save his things.  Some of them seem valuable (like his comic book collection).  Some of it seems silly to keep (like his mid-nineties pocket computer w/ the broken installation disk).

I found a reproduction of his parents' wedding photo.  He needs to keep that, doesn't he?

*****

I'm in the process of getting the information and artwork off of the computer that was smashed last April.  My daughter is helping me hook it up to another computer to see what I can save.

I managed to log back into my Facebook account after ten months.  I was terrified of being hacked again.

I used a tablet.

I had several messages waiting.  A guy from high school wrote to ask where I was.  He lives four blocks from me.  I haven't seen him around town but that could be because I've spent much of the past year running away from home.

One of my favorite authors wrote to me a few months back asking if he could be of support to me.

That made me cry.

I need to get my bearings before I can go back to being in the spotlight again.

I've got so much to pay forward now.

******
I do feel a little guilty.

I've asked this guy to move out every day for over three years.

He chose to move out on 23rd of December.

He complained about having to be alone over the holidays.

My adult daughter chastised me a little bit today.  She said that she refuses to be in a relationship with people who have baggage.  My ex would complain that I shouldn't blame him for his family's harassment of me.

It's their problem.  He claims to have nothing to do with it, therefore, I should have ignored it and allowed him to stay.

He didn't want to deal with their abuses.

He fed into it.

My daughter said that this is baggage.  It is hard to deal with people whose personal life impinges on your freedom.  It's okay to leave people like that.

She's right.

I shouldn't let it get to me.

*****

No matter where life finds you,

I hope your holidays are happy and peaceful.

May you make new friends and discover that your friends treat you like family.

It's a beautiful feeling.

Love ya,

S.


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