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Wounded but Bleeding by Myself

Today I am thankful that I can be alone in an attempt to heal myself.


I was very happy today. 

I went to a seminar.


Someone told me about my dream job.

I was scheming ways to teach.  I made a list of all the new software I wanted to learn so I could give awesome presentations.


I was excited.


I was happy. 

I came home. 


My ex-husband gave me $1,100 from the account he was supposed to sign over to me.

I borrowed that amount from someone to repair my car.  He wanted me to pay it back. 

He thinks that if I give this money to the person I borrowed it from, I will cut off the relationship.

I have the means to pay it back handled.

Well....it turns out my ex-husband raided that account yet again.  He wouldn't tell me how much he took out.  He won't give me the receipt.

I told him to estimate how much money he took out since our divorce and give me a plan to pay it back. 

It turns out that he admits to have taken $14,000 out of it for himself.  I didn't think it was so much.  This was after he deducted $2,600 that he gave to me ($1,100 today and $1,500 for the car in January).

The numbers don't mesh.  I need to see the statements.

He typed out a letter saying he will pay it back $167.00 at a time over a period of six years.

In the letter he expects me to never see Steve again. 

I went upstairs to cry. 

Steve called.  I am having trouble trusting him.  I don't know if he hung up on me when I declined to go out with him tomorrow or if my phone died. 

I don't know what to do.  I need time to think about everything.  The energy surrounding me is confusing.  I need time to have clarity. 

I need time. 
I have an appointment with a lawyer tomorrow.  It was to simply type up the documents.  I'm probably going to reschedule because I have to wait until I have actual numbers before I file anything. 

I'm in pain. 

I went from happy, to upset, to pained in the course of three hours.

I want to hide. 

I want to move to another state.

That is really the only way to stop the stalking. 

I need to move far away. 

I don't want to. 

This is my home. 

I've never left fthis state or more than a week.

I want to be alone until I sort through my feelings.

The problem is that I do not trust myself. 

I do not trust my ability to judge men. 

I thought Mike was honorable and decent.

How did I misjudge this?

I do not want to end up in another relationship like this.

I feel the need to be alone right now. 

I wish people would understand.

I need to cry alone. 

Perhaps the problem is my diet.


Do you know what I've been eating? 

Sour gummy worms. 


Yes, that's all I've eaten over the course of the past two days.

That's a lie. 

I had a package of jalapeño flavored corn nuts yesterday, too. 

I don't want to eat the food in this house.  I didn't buy any of it.  It's his. 

I think my diet makes me cranky. 

That's okay.  I have vitamins. 

I see a shrink tomorrow. 


I think I'm clinically depressed. 

I'm having dreams of my sister-in-law shooting me.

The dreams scare me.

I think it is time to talk to someone about it. 

On the bright side, I have access to $1,100 for food and gas money. 

Hooray.....maybe. 

Now, remember....I am a redhead.  I have a reputation for being a badass. I've taken on powerful people.  I've won. 

I just have never been able to smack down anyone I've slept with.

There has to be an answer that makes everyone happy.

I've got to find that.
Love ya,

S.




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