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Understanding My Fear of Marriage

Today I am thankful psychology research: I understand why all my failed relationships died.

My marriages died because the men were not there for me.

The guy I was with just a few months was not there for me when I lay in the hospital with a 50% chance of dying after he beat me with a hammer.

He thought I was faking.

The other man was never there when his family was stalking me.

He also chose to leave me alone when I was in labor; after he wanted me induced to schedule the delivery around his schedule and forbidding the doctors from giving me pain relief.
I felt betrayed by each of them.
In the end, I just wanted them gone.  

Wow....this is enlightening.
*****
Steve and I typically break up when I am unavailable to him.  Typically it is because my phone was left somewhere for days at a time or I need a break from the drama.
You know, I think he's always been there for me.

When I ran for office, Steve was there for me.

He'd be in my public speaking groups. 

He'd be at my lunch meetings.

He'd check in on me. 

After my campaign, when the stalking was at it's worst, Steve was always there for me. 

He'd offer to get me out of the house.

He'd write to me every night to make sure I was okay.

He was there. 
For over three years, Steve has been there when no one else was.

He would be the first email I'd see in the morning.

He'd be the last email I'd see before heading off to bed.

For three years, he's been the only person supporting me and cheering me on.

Maybe I shouldn't be afraid anymore.

Three years is a long time.

Maybe he's frustrated that I have not been there for him.  I don't think I really ever initiated the contact.
He always did.
I guess it is my turn.

*****


Love is about being available. 

Oh...I'll let a shrink explain it for you in the video below.  I can't get the formatting just right, so I including the link to the page.

The video is eye opening.  It discusses why availability is the primary factor in the success of relationships.
My old high school sweetheart and former roommate were there more than my ex-husbands.  To this day, I'd do just about anything for Thomas and Sampson.  The first one who needs a kidney, can have it (unless my love or any of the six kids we have between us needs it).
Mike....oh, I'd make him ask his family first. 
*****

Maybe love and marriage is not so hard after all.
It comes down to just being reliable and being there.  
So if I find someone who I enjoy hanging out with for a few years, whose sexual energy only gets stronger the longer we hang out, who gives me happy wrinkles, who puts up with my new age baloney and won't piss off the fairies, djinn or Pagan deities....well, maybe I should commit to him.
Steve makes everything seem easy.  Public speaking is easy.  Writing books is easy.  Doing the impossible is easy.
It is a far cry from someone who makes everything difficult.
Perhaps this is a sign and a signal. 
Perhaps I have found where I truly need to be.   
*****



Sorry this is short. 

I'm exhausted and my brain isn't making a lot of sense. A-ha moments make me emotional.  Resting is just one of those things that I do when I'm ultra emotional.  I start crying.  Then I get tired.  Then I need to go to bed and process everything.

I'm posting this now just in case it can help someone else.


Love ya,

S.
http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-14364/how-to-make-love-last-in-the-age-of-instant-gratification-dr-sue-johnson.html

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