Today I am thankful for my new mantras.
I'm in a hurry. There is a lot going on but I don't have a lot of time to update everything.
I had a talk with Michael today.
Two things came from this.
First, he never gave me the money I was awarded in the divorce because he just hasn't gotten around to doing it. He will. There is probably $20,000 left of the $28,000.
There was $32K, the day I filed for a divorce. There was $28,000 the day he was supposed to sign it over to me.
I told him that I may sue him for some of the money he took after he was supposed to give the account to me. It's a little over $5,500. Yes, there is a little discrepancy in the numbers and that is because I asked for $2,000 to buy a used car after I gave Michael my van. What was left of that money was used to repair Mike's van.
Mike promises to get around to cutting me a check in the near future. That will clear up a lot in my life and greatly expand my opportunities.
Sitting on the money hurts my ability to move on with my life.
*****
Michael and I spoke about someone messing with the things in my bedroom. For years, I've found my art, my poetry, my diaries, and assorted personal mementos strewn about various parts of the house.
He swears up and down he didn't do it.
Now, this has gone on so long that the kids were babies when it started. I'm going to bet the children have not played around with my smelly old paintings.
This has always bothered me.
He thinks that members of his family are going into my room, messing around with my art and diaries in order to dig up dirt.
Money has gone missing.
Two djinn rings are missing (but without the names they are useless). Even with the names, I would fear for any novice that has possession of them. The rings are brass and copper. They are not worth money. I don't know why they'd want them.
The art thing has always bothered me.
The missing objects coupled with the damage to the doors of this house has caused me to turn my thoughts as to motive.
Michael is continually claiming that he thinks his sister is breaking into my house.
It may have led me to understand something.
Michael is my ex-husband.
He is possessive of MY money.
He is possessive of my time.
He takes my things.
He doesn't want to move out of this house.
Back in 1994, I let him stay the night with me when I found damage to my apartment door. I had issues with broken locks and broken windows. I literally slept with chairs propped under the door handle, so no one could get in without waking me up.
I let him stay with me because I felt safer that way.
Perhaps....this whole Shannon breaking into the house story is a means to allow him to live here and stay with me.
I wonder....
what would happen if I never showed fear?
Would he leave?
*****
Now, I should probably document that the conversation got violent. I wasn't hit. Michael was hitting things and screaming. This usually happened when I suggested putting together a safety plan. If he wants to so much as speak to me, I need a safety plan. Because I KNOW that he was communicating my whereabouts to his family, I need him to move away from me so he won't know anything about my personal life to tell them -or- we as a family need to move far away from his sister.
There is still no plan for him to move out.
He says moving out of Colorado is not an option.
I am wondering if maybe I need to sue him to get the money.
I think he likes this situation.
*****
. I am a devious brat.
Now, I should probably document that the conversation got violent. I wasn't hit. Michael was hitting things and screaming. This usually happened when I suggested putting together a safety plan. If he wants to so much as speak to me, I need a safety plan. Because I KNOW that he was communicating my whereabouts to his family, I need him to move away from me so he won't know anything about my personal life to tell them -or- we as a family need to move far away from his sister.
There is still no plan for him to move out.
He says moving out of Colorado is not an option.
I am wondering if maybe I need to sue him to get the money.
I think he likes this situation.
*****
. I am a devious brat.
I told Michael that if I didn't feel safe, I'd just propose to Steve and let an Anarchist, gun rights dude live here.
He didn't like that.
Enter some more yelling.
Then he claimed to be a victim of his sister. He claims his sisters behavior cost him the most important thing he had in the world....me.
That made me angry.
His behavior cost him the relationship....not Shannon's.
*****
Yes, the "Steve M Word" incidents are another story all together.
There has been no proposal. Let me repeat....there has been NO proposal.
It's just the two words that make me cringe have been uttered a few times.
Those words are "wife" and "marriage."
There was also a notation that if I married him, my initials would be STY not STD.
I'm not sure that any one of them would be better than the other: both styes and stds are incredibly irritating.
I don't know.....I don't know......
In woman's speak....I don't know means no.
*****
I have decided that if I cannot say "hell yes" to something, I am going to say "hell no."
The problem with that is that due to the stalking, I find myself saying NO to opportunities I truly want. I fear having Shannon harass my coworkers. I fear having more fake online profiles spamming people I know. I fear seeing my ex-husband sit outside the office waiting for me. I fear having my car taken. I fear having my house broken into while I am at work and the kids are home with the sitter.
Marriage could solve these problems. Steve would be an unknown quantity. My stalkers have never ONCE approached me when I have been with him. My sister-in-law watched us have tea. I think Mike's uncle saw me groping Steve at a pizza joint. No one said a word.
I would be safe with Steve.
The issue is that I'd want the marriage to last a life time.
Right now....
right now....
I'm not ready.
I need to clear a space in my head for marriage. I need to move past the past (or get the past to move) before moving into a future. I need therapy. I need to make sure that I can earn my own keep. Enough about that. That could be another post all together. Steve has explained to me why men take care of women who they value spending time with. It's sweet. It's romantic. It's almost poetic. It would be nice to share....someday.
I need to work for my own sanity. I need people. I need to be of service to more than a sex partner. I need a job. I know what I want to do now. I'll talk about that later.
I'm working on it.
I think it would be nice for him to know me before proposing. I don't even know who I am anymore. How in the world would he?
*****
I'll write about the love stuff later. I'm trying to work through the fear first.
In a nutshell, I think the stalking is a means to scare me into allowing the situation to fester. If I am afraid of living here alone then the odds increase that I will ask Michael to stay.
Him wanting to stay here could be why he never split the money with me. My lack of assets increases my dependence on him.
It's starting to make sense now.
Love ya,
S.