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Happiness

Today I am thankful for understanding what makes me happy. 



I like being busy. 


So, that's what I am going to do.  I'm staying busy.


*****
I finally realized why my ex-husband is still here.  I've had a heart to heart with him.  He knows it is over.  He just wants to make sure that I am able to support the family without him.


I could do that if he'd honor the divorce agreement. 


I had to do some soul searching to find out why I haven't thrown him out yet.


I figured it out!!!


And, you know, that insight helps me understand why I cannot communicate with my boyfriend, too.


****
Men, like Michael and Steve, like to find the quickest and easiest route to success.  They like the road with the least obstacles.  The like to take the river worn path; the path of least resistance.


I am the opposite. 

I want to find the absolute best solution for everyone.  This causes me to open up to new solutions. 


The men in my life want to close down the issue.  I want to open it up, examine it, and find the best win-win situation.

Mike wants to give me the house and what is left of the $28K I was awarded in the divorce.


I want Michael to leave the house with enough money to get a decent place to live.  I want to earn enough so he can cut his child support payment and avoid alimony.  I want a new, livable agreement.  I want one with time lines and guidelines.  I want one that will be followed. I want everyone to anticipate his move.  I want the kids to look forward to it.  I want the change to be clean.  I want the change to be swift.


He senses that I am not ready for him to leave (because we don't have a workable exit strategy) and THAT IS why he's hanging around.


With Steve, I want him to be happy and excited.  I want him to rock the world with his ideas. 

Steve does break up with me every few weeks.  It's usually public.  he'll usuallly come back talking about another woman.  That's part of why I'm not sure I'm the one for him.  He's still in the market!!! 

Worse, everytime he breaks up with me, it is quite public.  Men come out of the woodwork.  It drives me nuts. UGH!!! 

It usually is my fault that we break up because I am not attentive enough.  Due to the name calling I endure when Steve is feeling ignored, I'm not sure I am the one for him.  Maybe I do not know how to be attentive enough.  I want him to be absolutely sure before he makes a mistake by taking me into his life - breaking up is painful.


I say that because I dated Michael for five years before I married him.  I wound up not knowing him.  I never want to be divorced again.  I'd rather see a friend happy with another woman than unhappily stuck in a domestic partnership with me.


Steve wants to seal the deal.  I want to open it up to make sure it is what he wants.

I don't know.  I am doing another ritual to Isis and Osiris to send Steve to his true love. 


If I want to fix this mess, I have to be less open to options.  This means......this means......that I have to change my thinking about everything!


UGH!!! 


Wanting to keep it open does not mean that I don't love someone.  A man I adored not too long ago just got engaged to the woman I thought he'd wind up with.  It was incredibly hard not to let this man kiss me.  Three years ago, he tempted me.  I knew better.  I told him to keep his options open and now he's with the woman of his dreams.


I feel different around Steve than I did with my newly engaged friend. 

I am realizing that he becomes mean when I'm not paying him attention.  It's more like he roars when he prefers to purr. 

He's like a cat.  He needs attention.


*****


I'm still feeling a little bit overwhelmed.  I decided to look for two part time jobs in addition to my business.  I think getting out in the real world and learning new skills will help me to feel happy.

The namecalling hurts.  Steve can build me up but when he tears me down, it is soul destroying.  When he makes fun of me in public (by posting BDSM articles or complaining about me) men start hitting on me.  I wish he'd grow up.  This is hurting me tooo much. 

One of my friends wants to spread whipped cream on my body because (a) I no longer have a public boyfriend and (b) kinky is healthy acccording to the last guy I dated so I must really enjoy that.

I got drunk so I have an excuse to avoid this man. 

This is the real reason that I do not answer my phone. 

I have too many horny old friends. 

Thank God I'm fat.  I betcha it turns a few of them away. 


Love ya,


S.

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