Skip to main content

Happiness

Today I am thankful for understanding what makes me happy. 



I like being busy. 


So, that's what I am going to do.  I'm staying busy.


*****
I finally realized why my ex-husband is still here.  I've had a heart to heart with him.  He knows it is over.  He just wants to make sure that I am able to support the family without him.


I could do that if he'd honor the divorce agreement. 


I had to do some soul searching to find out why I haven't thrown him out yet.


I figured it out!!!


And, you know, that insight helps me understand why I cannot communicate with my boyfriend, too.


****
Men, like Michael and Steve, like to find the quickest and easiest route to success.  They like the road with the least obstacles.  The like to take the river worn path; the path of least resistance.


I am the opposite. 

I want to find the absolute best solution for everyone.  This causes me to open up to new solutions. 


The men in my life want to close down the issue.  I want to open it up, examine it, and find the best win-win situation.

Mike wants to give me the house and what is left of the $28K I was awarded in the divorce.


I want Michael to leave the house with enough money to get a decent place to live.  I want to earn enough so he can cut his child support payment and avoid alimony.  I want a new, livable agreement.  I want one with time lines and guidelines.  I want one that will be followed. I want everyone to anticipate his move.  I want the kids to look forward to it.  I want the change to be clean.  I want the change to be swift.


He senses that I am not ready for him to leave (because we don't have a workable exit strategy) and THAT IS why he's hanging around.


With Steve, I want him to be happy and excited.  I want him to rock the world with his ideas. 

Steve does break up with me every few weeks.  It's usually public.  he'll usuallly come back talking about another woman.  That's part of why I'm not sure I'm the one for him.  He's still in the market!!! 

Worse, everytime he breaks up with me, it is quite public.  Men come out of the woodwork.  It drives me nuts. UGH!!! 

It usually is my fault that we break up because I am not attentive enough.  Due to the name calling I endure when Steve is feeling ignored, I'm not sure I am the one for him.  Maybe I do not know how to be attentive enough.  I want him to be absolutely sure before he makes a mistake by taking me into his life - breaking up is painful.


I say that because I dated Michael for five years before I married him.  I wound up not knowing him.  I never want to be divorced again.  I'd rather see a friend happy with another woman than unhappily stuck in a domestic partnership with me.


Steve wants to seal the deal.  I want to open it up to make sure it is what he wants.

I don't know.  I am doing another ritual to Isis and Osiris to send Steve to his true love. 


If I want to fix this mess, I have to be less open to options.  This means......this means......that I have to change my thinking about everything!


UGH!!! 


Wanting to keep it open does not mean that I don't love someone.  A man I adored not too long ago just got engaged to the woman I thought he'd wind up with.  It was incredibly hard not to let this man kiss me.  Three years ago, he tempted me.  I knew better.  I told him to keep his options open and now he's with the woman of his dreams.


I feel different around Steve than I did with my newly engaged friend. 

I am realizing that he becomes mean when I'm not paying him attention.  It's more like he roars when he prefers to purr. 

He's like a cat.  He needs attention.


*****


I'm still feeling a little bit overwhelmed.  I decided to look for two part time jobs in addition to my business.  I think getting out in the real world and learning new skills will help me to feel happy.

The namecalling hurts.  Steve can build me up but when he tears me down, it is soul destroying.  When he makes fun of me in public (by posting BDSM articles or complaining about me) men start hitting on me.  I wish he'd grow up.  This is hurting me tooo much. 

One of my friends wants to spread whipped cream on my body because (a) I no longer have a public boyfriend and (b) kinky is healthy acccording to the last guy I dated so I must really enjoy that.

I got drunk so I have an excuse to avoid this man. 

This is the real reason that I do not answer my phone. 

I have too many horny old friends. 

Thank God I'm fat.  I betcha it turns a few of them away. 


Love ya,


S.

Popular posts from this blog

Stalker Proxy Phone Calls

What kind of songs do narcissistic stalkers sing?  I imagine they sing songs like this.   I am grateful now that I understand why the stalker has people call  but   wish they'd listen when I ask them not to call again.  I probably should document this somewhere.  My ex was talking to an old friend of mine from high school on a daily basis.  She is his cousin.   I had to quit talking to her when she'd ask me to plan parties and then refuse to give me the guest list saying that the attendees would only be me, her, my stalker Shannon, and my NPD mother-in-law.   She wanted me to plan interventions.   This happened with a baby shower.  It also happened with a wedding.  The in-laws put together a fake wedding trying to host an intervention to shame me and my ex into doing things for them (like quit school and give them my car).   I had to cut this so-called friend off over that in 2004....
Read more

Venus Meditations

  Today I am thankful for my new realization.  In my world, Friday is the day of love (reminds of The Cure - lol).  It's true.  Friday is the day of Venus.  Exhausted as I was after work, I went to my altar and lit a candle asking that my friend find whatever his life is lacking. Then I went upstairs and did my Friday night ritual to Aphrodite.  I lit a candle asking that I gain confidence in my ability to love.  I also ask that I recognize true love.  I was too exhausted to linger so I tried to fall asleep.  Have you been too tired to sleep?  It's horrible.  Your mind goes round and round -  you might recall things that happened recently (like the doctor telling me to be careful because I haven't hit menopause yet and I say, "not worried about it" while thinking that it's a good time to be in a sexual drought - hooray for me),  or things going on at work  (that I can hypnotize little cranky babies to sleep without sa...
Read more

My Competition

Only our best friends and greatest teachers will have the courage to say those uncomfortable things to help us get out of the mud and back on our paths.   Today I am thankful for my competition. I love being a hypnotist because I have the most wonderful colleagues in the world. I bought a refresher Stop Smoking Hypnosis Course from another hypnotist trainer.  I bought it because I'm too lazy to create my own business forms.  It comes with the forms.  Usually, I can't read anything this man writes without learning something new.  I figured that I couldn't go wrong investing in his products.  I received the package yesterday.  It was supposed to contain four CDs. I received five.  Do you want to guess what the fifth one was?  It was a hypnosis session entitled "Overcome Your Lost Love." I'm a little bit tickled at that discovery. This is perfect!!! I love this guy's voice.   This is the mo...
Read more