Skip to main content

Happiness

Today I am thankful for understanding what makes me happy. 



I like being busy. 


So, that's what I am going to do.  I'm staying busy.


*****
I finally realized why my ex-husband is still here.  I've had a heart to heart with him.  He knows it is over.  He just wants to make sure that I am able to support the family without him.


I could do that if he'd honor the divorce agreement. 


I had to do some soul searching to find out why I haven't thrown him out yet.


I figured it out!!!


And, you know, that insight helps me understand why I cannot communicate with my boyfriend, too.


****
Men, like Michael and Steve, like to find the quickest and easiest route to success.  They like the road with the least obstacles.  The like to take the river worn path; the path of least resistance.


I am the opposite. 

I want to find the absolute best solution for everyone.  This causes me to open up to new solutions. 


The men in my life want to close down the issue.  I want to open it up, examine it, and find the best win-win situation.

Mike wants to give me the house and what is left of the $28K I was awarded in the divorce.


I want Michael to leave the house with enough money to get a decent place to live.  I want to earn enough so he can cut his child support payment and avoid alimony.  I want a new, livable agreement.  I want one with time lines and guidelines.  I want one that will be followed. I want everyone to anticipate his move.  I want the kids to look forward to it.  I want the change to be clean.  I want the change to be swift.


He senses that I am not ready for him to leave (because we don't have a workable exit strategy) and THAT IS why he's hanging around.


With Steve, I want him to be happy and excited.  I want him to rock the world with his ideas. 

Steve does break up with me every few weeks.  It's usually public.  he'll usuallly come back talking about another woman.  That's part of why I'm not sure I'm the one for him.  He's still in the market!!! 

Worse, everytime he breaks up with me, it is quite public.  Men come out of the woodwork.  It drives me nuts. UGH!!! 

It usually is my fault that we break up because I am not attentive enough.  Due to the name calling I endure when Steve is feeling ignored, I'm not sure I am the one for him.  Maybe I do not know how to be attentive enough.  I want him to be absolutely sure before he makes a mistake by taking me into his life - breaking up is painful.


I say that because I dated Michael for five years before I married him.  I wound up not knowing him.  I never want to be divorced again.  I'd rather see a friend happy with another woman than unhappily stuck in a domestic partnership with me.


Steve wants to seal the deal.  I want to open it up to make sure it is what he wants.

I don't know.  I am doing another ritual to Isis and Osiris to send Steve to his true love. 


If I want to fix this mess, I have to be less open to options.  This means......this means......that I have to change my thinking about everything!


UGH!!! 


Wanting to keep it open does not mean that I don't love someone.  A man I adored not too long ago just got engaged to the woman I thought he'd wind up with.  It was incredibly hard not to let this man kiss me.  Three years ago, he tempted me.  I knew better.  I told him to keep his options open and now he's with the woman of his dreams.


I feel different around Steve than I did with my newly engaged friend. 

I am realizing that he becomes mean when I'm not paying him attention.  It's more like he roars when he prefers to purr. 

He's like a cat.  He needs attention.


*****


I'm still feeling a little bit overwhelmed.  I decided to look for two part time jobs in addition to my business.  I think getting out in the real world and learning new skills will help me to feel happy.

The namecalling hurts.  Steve can build me up but when he tears me down, it is soul destroying.  When he makes fun of me in public (by posting BDSM articles or complaining about me) men start hitting on me.  I wish he'd grow up.  This is hurting me tooo much. 

One of my friends wants to spread whipped cream on my body because (a) I no longer have a public boyfriend and (b) kinky is healthy acccording to the last guy I dated so I must really enjoy that.

I got drunk so I have an excuse to avoid this man. 

This is the real reason that I do not answer my phone. 

I have too many horny old friends. 

Thank God I'm fat.  I betcha it turns a few of them away. 


Love ya,


S.

Popular posts from this blog

Stalker Proxy Phone Calls

What kind of songs do narcissistic stalkers sing?  I imagine they sing songs like this.   I am grateful now that I understand why the stalker has people call  but   wish they'd listen when I ask them not to call again.  I probably should document this somewhere.  My ex was talking to an old friend of mine from high school on a daily basis.  She is his cousin.   I had to quit talking to her when she'd ask me to plan parties and then refuse to give me the guest list saying that the attendees would only be me, her, my stalker Shannon, and my NPD mother-in-law.   She wanted me to plan interventions.   This happened with a baby shower.  It also happened with a wedding.  The in-laws put together a fake wedding trying to host an intervention to shame me and my ex into doing things for them (like quit school and give them my car).   I had to cut this so-called friend off over that in 2004....
Read more

The Love Gods Have a Sense of Humor

Today I am thankful about the ever-changeable, ever-humorous universe.   It is said that 'in life, the only constant is change.' Ah, this is a true tidbit, isn't it? I recently vowed NOT to date until Michael officially moves out of the house.  I also vowed NOT to be close to him unless he signs up for FOO (Family of Origin) and Relationship counseling.  I've been with the man nearly a quarter of a century, he's not going to go to therapy to have a relationship with me. He plays games with money, divorce agreements, custody arrangements, transportation, and all sorts of things to keep me stuck here.  It's nothing money and a lawyer can't solve.  ***** They say that dysfunctional people have three weapons that they use to keep people under their thumb.  The acronym is FOG. Yes, they are FOG machines. What does FOG stand for? F ear O bligation -and- G uilt Yes, there is fear.  Fear that he won't honor hi...
Read more

Personality Theory

Today I am thankful for personality theory. I can't say that I buy into it very much.  People change over the course of their lives.  Healthy people grow.  Unhealthy people either stay static or regress.  So what one tests today may change tomorrow. I do believe that personality theories (even ancient ones like astrology) create self-fulfilling prophecies.  If people buy into it, it gives a lot of insight into their characters, needs, and behaviors.   I've spent most of my adult life studying personality theories.  From Eric Fromm's theory's about authoritian -vs- mature personalities and how authoritians fear power while mature people revel in it to Jung's introvert -vs- extrovert theory.  A major one of interest to me is an offshoot of Jung, it is the MBTI type inventory.  When I'm happy, I'm a textbook INFJ. When I'm pissed off and wanting to strangle my ex, I act like a ESTP.  My ex is a ESTP a...
Read more