Lonely Men Kick Tires (with Edits)

Today I am thankful for taking time to decide what I want.

I had a horrible morning on Saturday. 

I am NOT sure I want to talk about it. 

It was about someone wanting to have an argument then misreading what I said, giving me the silent treatment, then complaining that he doesn't like certain words said in his house.

This, of course, makes me NOT want to ever visit his house.

I wound up leaving without resolving the issue. 

To tell the truth, I am NOT sure why I feel like I need to run off from this guy. 

I think it is that we are incompatible. 

He doesn't believe in incompatibility.


Perhaps incompatibility is a synonym for uncomfortable.  I am uncomfortable.  Since, Steve does not buy into incompatibility, I have to define it.  I have to define exactly what makes me uncomfortable.


I spend a lot of time trying to define the problems.

I think I spend a lot of time not saying what I want to say for fear of getting made fun of in public, or called names, or sent abusive text messages because he had a little too much to drink.

I censor my language.  Then he gets frustrated that I do not discuss my needs.  Why?  It'll lead to a fight.  I'll meet my own needs on my own.

The problem is that he'll act out.  My friends see this and tell me to run away.

Worse, he'll come back later and accuse me of being a drama queen.  He'll say he discussed our issues at work. He refers to it as drama (my drama).  Worse, his boss is complaining that I am the wrong religion.  Really?  How does his boss know that? 


My friends say Steve is crazy.

My eldest daughter told me that she had to laugh at some of our Facebook comments.  It was obvious to her that he was uneducated.  She has a degree in political science and works as a paralegal.

That made me feel sad.  I didn't know she could see the comments I made on his page.

I don't know. 

I feel like I am little more than a booty call.  Two weekends in a row, I was whisked away without warning when his child called.  That's okay.  I understand.  My kids are important.  I refuse to answer the phone when they visit me.

I would like to know that he's kicking me out at a certain time so that I can make plans for my day.  To expect me to stay until she calls...well..it's a pain in the arse.   For someone to  tell me that he wants me to stay and do something with him and then change his mind at a moments notice, well....it makes it less likely I'll keep my days open for him.

That Saturday was worse because of the arguing.  I don't like getting sucked into an argument, attacked and made to feel like I need to leave before resolving it.

I feel disrespected.

I never know what is going on. 

I guess I need my weekends back.

I don't have time for games. 

*****

To make matters worse, my ex-husband saw me walking home on Saturday.  I left Steve's house abruptly.  My car was in the shop, so I had to take public transportation.

Steve arranged to have his mother give me a ride to the bus stop several miles from his home.  He texted me with an itinerary.  Still....I was hurt.

My ex-husband gave me a ride home when he saw me walking.  He noticed that I was trying not to cry. 

Then he tried to hug me.

*****

As harsh as it is, I just can't make any relationship work right now.  I have to deal with an ex whose messing with my head.

I can only deal with one game player at a time.

The one thing that I want to say is that if you are a guy and you want a steady f*ck buddy, do NOT attack her to see how she will react.

She will walk off. 

I am ready to do just that.

I just have to decide how much of an explanation I owe Steve. 

I love him.

I just can't take his antics.

I don't see how one can fix something that breaks down every few weeks. 

I am trying to define the problem.  It could simply be that he is a top down thinker.  I am a bottom up thinker. 

He also focuses on one aspect of a problem at a time.  This makes his arguments incredibly thin.  I like to look at the bigger picture.  I try to educate him so he can improve his arguments.  It offends him.  This gets old.  

He claims that I bring too many aspects into the argument.  It makes me doubt my intelligence.  I have to remember that I can talk to powerful people and get them to do what I want. 

The fact that I cannot talk to this person should not reflect upon my intelligence at all.

I don't know what to do. 

*****

I am not sure if he is manipulative or really doesn't know what he's talking about.

I feel bad that my comments give other people the impression that he is stupid.

He's not. 

 

I just don't think he reads about history or research methods as much as I do.

When it comes to programming, I have no clue what I'm doing.  I just copy and paste code. 

Look at the formatting on this blog!!!  That proves that I have no clue what I'm doing.

We all have our strengths.  I have mine.  Steve has his. 

One of my strengths is my ability to keep busy. I don't have time for pointless arguments.  I made the mistake of calling the arguments stupid.  He thinks I called him stupid. 

I pointed out the flaws in the thinking of people he was complaining about.  I called those arguments bullshit.  He doesn't like my use of colorful language in his house.

 

Well....I guess since I can't be a lady, I shouldn't return. 

 

It would be rude.  

 

Bullshit is bullshit. 

There are times when a lady has to call a spade a spade.

 

I'll meditate on it.  A smart man will give me a couple of days to figure it out.  Maybe I'll change my mind if I don't see him for ten days. 

I doubt it.  I'm pretty pissed off.

A dumb man will send me dirty text messages when I have vowed never to sleep in his bed because I can't watch my language in his house. 

I am not sure that I want to return to his house.

 

*****

 

In sum....

 

Don't pick fights!!!

If you have to pick fights, don't let her go away angry.  The more nights she loses sleep over it, the less likely it will be that you will ever see her again.

Fighting kills enchantment.

Before he said those things to me, I would have done anything for him.

Now, he'll be lucky if I pat him on the back.

Now, I worry that I'll spend the rest of my life arguing about absurdities.  It is a distraction. I don't have time for that.  I'm too busy. 

If I am going to fight, I'm going to argue with politicians and get a damn good tax break out of it. 

 

I only argue for a purpose.

 

I don't have time to argue about things that don't matter.

I guess the ease of which he tried to erase me from his life last time I didn't call him back quick enough really bothers me. 

He'll do it again.

Why should I invest more time into that relationship?


*****
I'm tired.

I need to focus on getting back on my feet.  I tire of the stupid arguments.  They are draining. 

When I say that I am not ready to be in a relationship, the man who wants one with me should pay attention.  He should not push.  He shouldn't expect me to be available to him every weekend.  It would seem that I am more flexible than he is.  There is an expectation for me to be available to him on a whim.

It could also be that he sees what I put up with from my ex-husband and is testing my limits.  My ex-husband gets away with acting like a major jerk because I am afraid of his family.  I have kids with him.  If I do NOT do what he wants, I fear for my children.

Steve has nothing to hold over my head.

Mike does. 

I can find many different things to do on Friday nights and Saturday mornings. I don't need to argue or play games.

I could work.  I could volunteer.  I could make money. 

It's exhausting to fight.

It's exhilarating to work.

So....maybe...for my sanity....I have to avoid men until I get my ex-husband out of the house.

I can only deal with one game player at a time.

I'm off to cry myself to sleep yet again.

Love ya,

S. 


P.S.  Do you want to know what the argument was?


It shouldn't have been an argument.


I was trying to debunk the following statement:


The Romans conquered the Celtic people in the name of Jesus Christ because they are economically and morally superior.
 

The Romans conquered the Celtic people around 61AD.

Constantine I brought Christianity into the Roman Empire with the Edict of Milan around 313AD.

I even tried to tell him to watch the movie Boudica but he didn't understand how that fit into the equation.  Boudica would provide some historical context for the Roman invasion of what would later become Ireland.

UGH!! 

Then he added a statement:

Christianity equals slavery.

Then.....then....he does the unthinkable. He mentioned that Stalin himself said that religion was used to control the masses. Yeah....that's why so many Christians were murdered and Communism pushed athiesm on its people.  Religious people are harder for politicians to brainwash because their God(s) will always come before their country.

In the end, I mentioned that the statements and the arguments for them were stupid and bullshit.

He thought I called him "shit" and "stupid."

Then he thought my arguments proved that I liked slavery. 

Oh, and somewhere in there I became Christian.

I think this he was trying to come up with an argument for Anarchism. 

Damn.....I was trying to improve his arguments.

I give up. 

I don't know how I can communicate with an insecure man.

Many things I say are twisted into a slam.  If I compliment someone, it is a slam against Steve.  If I try to teach him history, it is a slam against Steve. 

I truly do not know what I can say anymore.

I don't know how to communicate with one who obviously never really liked religious history. 

I don't know how to sit down and shut up. 

Maybe he just wanted a hook-up and made up the fight to run me off. 

I don't know. 

I have made up my mind to never put myself in that situation again.  I told him that shortly before I walked out of his apartment.  He followed me and made sure that I had a ride to the bus station. 

I will NEVER go to a man's home without a way to get home on my own. 

I do have to wonder what is wrong with me to find myself dealing with men in these types of situations. 

I'm off to ponder this now. 

Maybe I allow too much disrespect and they think they can use me. 

I don't know.