Today, I am thankful for vomit because it is a sign and a signal that something is making me sick.
I've been floating on air for a little over a week know.
I know why.
Some guy warmed up a cold dead heart.
He really didn't do anything, except keep me from crashing into a car when I was speeding on the highway.
He also rescued me when I got lost.
He showed me new routes around the city as I am prone to getting lost.
He also took me to a movie when I was in the midst of a nervous breakdown.
He got me over my fear of being on television.
He helped me get over my fear of parking.
He also tried to help me get out of an obnoxious situation last year. I didn't want to do something in the public eye. He offered to take photos of me doing something filthy and leak it to the press. He made me laugh so hard that whenever I had to give speeches and interviews pertaining to said situation, I grinned like a filthy person.
I guess he's done more than I've given him credit for.
I'm happy.
I don't know why, exactly.
I smile.
My skin has cleared up.
I'm wearing minimal make up as I have few blemishes to try to hide. I am so excited!!
My eyes are bright.
My angry wrinkle, the one I usually have between my eyes....IT IS GONE NOW!
This guy is better than botox!
Ooooh....
On Tuesday, I went to a party wearing a short black dress. I'm so glad I decided not to wear my standard thigh high stockings. The dress was shorter than I thought and when strange men would sit painfully close, I would have had to put my napkin on my lap.
This was one of my goal dresses.
When I have to lose fifteen pounds, I buy a tiny black dress and hang it from my four post bed for inspiration. When I bought it, I couldn't get it over my big fat head.
It fit well yesterday.
I got a lot of compliments yesterday.
My kids said that they saw me on the news. I'm glad I didn't look like a whale this time.
Last night, my ex approached me and tried to kiss me. His beard scruffed my face as I pulled away.
It was weird. I don't know how to explain it. I haven't thought about kissing my ex for a long time.
It is not his beard I long to touch.
I feel so guilty about that.
Today, my ex came home from work as I was assembling his dinner. He usually comes home, runs to his bathroom before coming upstairs to eat his dinner, watch television and return to the realm of his basement for the night.
Today, he approached me like a little boy. He ran up to me and whispered in my ear as I reached in the cupboard to put away a box of pasta.
"I thought about banging you at work today."
That was weird.
He liked my dress.
Now, I don't know how to feel about this.
I'm trying to squelch the vomit. I will never be able to look at Chicken Alfredo ever again.
It's been six years since he called me his ex!
I don't even remember how to do that. There is no banging. There is no gong. There most certainly is no getting it on.
I never thought T.Rex would make me cry.
It seems like several lifetimes ago.
Where would I start?
The last time I wore a dress he liked, he grabbed me and made a sticky mess on my leg before running downstairs to watch television and eat potato chips.
I actually have a scar from that. I washed up and found a bump on my skin. It grew into a welt that left a red scar.
I swore I would never let him do that again.
It hurt me very deeply.
I will never forget that experience.
Mentally, it left a big scar, too. I started to think that I was horribly ugly. I started to buy scary acids from my friends who are cosmetologists. I burned three holes on my abdomen trying to remove three stretch marks. This happened in less than two minutes. I didn't have time to remove it before it started to eat through my skin.
I think it is finally healing but, honestly, it looked better before.
That night my friend posted a status on his social networking page. I don't think it was directed at me but it was to the effect of 'one doesn't have to be perfect to be loved.'
He's right.
I stopped destroying my skin trying to be perfect. I stopped working out an hour a day. I started to sleep more. I'm now averaging six hours a night.
I haven't had a drink of wine in over a week.
I am ashamed to say this but I think my ex is attracted to my happiness, my joy, my lightness and the look of loving someone in my eyes.
Here's the problem....he didn't earn it. It doesn't belong to him.
My friend is the origin of my joy.
I haven't been much of a friend lately. I can sense my friend is confused and hurting. I don't know why. He's being attacked by a group of stupid idiots and I think it is bugging him on some level. I want to talk to him but I'm not sure what I can say. So, I just stay quiet.
I cannot risk hurting my friend. .
I want to fix my mess so I can be a better friend to my friends.
I'm going to start praying that he finds exactly what he needs, too.
I'm sure it will all work out.
I sure hope he is getting something out of our friendship. I'm beginning to feel a little selfish.
I don't know what to do for him....except pray. I have to believe that what he needs will find him or he'll tell me what he wants.
He's too decent a human being to be alone.
It makes me sad.
Love ya,
S.