The Phenomena Associated With Love

Today I am thankful for the unexplainable phenomena that make up the emotion of love.

It is no secret that I have feelings for a friend of mine.  It was nearly to the point of avoiding a party that I look forward to attending every year. 

I missed the party last year because I had to do a couple of television interviews. 

I vowed to make it this year. 

My ex has to go.  He is the treasurer for a couple of politicians. 

We went together.

It was awkward. 

I was fully prepared to have both of them in the same room with me.  My friend didn't make it.  My mentors flanked beside me and my ex sat across the table.  I felt like a sardine with so many people crowding in so close. 

On the car ride.  I ask if we should avoid discussing the divorce or if we should work through it. 

He wants to stay married. 

Now, on Sunday, he threw a major tantrum.  Imagine a 500 pound middle aged man sitting on the floor, shaking his fists and promising to go visit a mediator because I wanted to talk about ending our relationship. 

He didn't mean it. 

But, I've never had feelings for another man for over twenty-one years.  This is a first.  It is a sign and a signal that I've got to get out. 

We started talking about the phenomena associated with love.  If I could name what it is this guy has that he doesn't, we could save our marriage. 

Uh.....

Let's see. 

Hmmmmm....

Uh.....

He's smarter than me. 

He's nice.

He's generous.

He's warm. 

He likes the same things I do. 

He likes kids.

He's handsome.

He's funny.  

He's got the most infectious laugh.

He is comfortable with silent moments. 

Uh.....can I stop now? 

No?

Okay, he doesn't harass animals.

I can be myself around him. 

He had an incredibly creative mind.

Can I stop now? 

I'm about to cry.

Then he wanted to know what he looked like. 

He's got blue eyes. 

I was informed my ex could get contacts.

He is bald. 

My ex promised to shave his head. 

I had to stop at that.

I don't know why I like the people I like. 

I don't know why I love the people I love. 

I just do. 

I am myself around him.  When I thought we were getting divorced, I had a great time visiting with my friend.  He is easy going.  He is fun.  He's a little dirty.  He's a little sweet. 

He doesn't push things.  Things like that happen in their own time.  You have to live in the moment.  I've never met anyone else who lives like that before.  Everyone else wanted a ring on my finger within a couple of weeks. 

I actually like the living in the moment feeling. 

There is no danger.  You can be yourself.  You can be honest.  You can be authentic.  There is no pressure.  If things change, that's okay so long as you're honest about it. 

It is a little dangerous because there are moments when I don't feel so old around him.  If I weren't caught in this web, I'd have probably been a little more open. 

I liked him.  I'm not sure that he likes me.  I'm still not sure. 

I pray I didn't lead him on. 

I didn't expect the events of the past year to occur.  My ex left me in '08.  He came back due to the economy and moved into his room in the basement.  Back in '09, I was told that we'd be able to divorce once the elections were over, once my ex's lawsuit against the city was over and once he found a job.

He left me again in February of '10.  He actually wrote out a little contract stating the above if I let him back in the house.  It's his house, too.  I can't force him to leave or keep him out of it without a court order. 

The moment he found a job, I found myself in yet another legal entanglement that is dragging through the courts.  I can't find a divorce lawyer willing to work with me until that is settled.

So, I'm stuck. 

I hurt. 

I'm having a hard time seeing a way out right now.  I have the odd feeling like the universe answered my prayers and I'm too stupid to know what to do about it.

If it is meant to progress further, I guess the universe will help me lift the impasse.  If not, well, there must be some hottie just waiting in the wings for him. 

I'm shocked at how I feel. 

Now, I'd never tell my friend what I feel. 

I'm afraid of a new relationship. 

I don't want to rebound on anyone. 

I'm also terrified of breaking his heart because I don't know what is going on. 

Those are just excuses, aren't they?

I'm not sure I can trust my feelings at the moment. 

They are what they are. 

Dang it...I'm hoping that he is playing the field.

Please...if the timing isn't right, there is no reason to not continue to search for what one needs.  If I truly care for my friend, I'd want him to find what he needs at any given time. 

This living in the moment thing is beautifully free-ing.  I love it. 

I'm not available in the manner in which I'd like to be.  I need to be living in a testosterone free zone before I can date.  I want an apartment and a real job.  I think the day I sleep in a domicile in which my ex doesn't store his shoes, I know I'll be free.  I've slept alone for years.  That isn't enough. 

There is one more thing that I love about my friend. 

He is a positive person.  Despite all the crap going on, he can find a way to suck the hatred right out of my heart. 

I swear, when he met me I had a black, filthy, hard, angry, crusty ticker.  I was a humorless, snarky old bitty. 

My heart feels stuff now.  I smile all the darn time. 

My friend told me that the best thing to do with people who annoy the heck out of me and refuse to get out of my way is to wish the very best for them. 

And this is what I've spent the last week doing. 

I pray my ex finds a woman worthy of him, a job that makes him happy and some way to verbalize what he truly wants.

I'm thankful for my friend.

Can't you see why I love him? 

I betcha I'm not the only one. 

Authenticity is hot. 

Be yourself because you are the only one who can pull that off. 

Love ya,

S.