Fate, Love and Stupidity

Today I am thankful for fate, love and my stupidity. 

 

 

I think I fell in love with a friend a couple of months ago.  Eros had his bow ready, he aimed and he fired.  I thought I was the only one that got shot. 

 

 

But, no....I was flirting with another guy and my friend's jaw dropped.  He was obviously hurt. 

 

 

Then, when asked by another person why I became an activist, I told the truth.  My ex had a crappy adventure with the local government.  The government lawyers, cops and bureaucrats drove me batty and I took control.  My friend was standing next to me and when I mentioned my ex's name he got incredibly quiet. 

 

 

It's been awkward since.   I really like being around him.  He is comfortable with silence.  I don't get that very often from anyone.  When we do find ourselves talking, it's like we have the same hobbies and thought processes. 

 

After all the drama...all the whining...all the yelling...and all the hitting that I've endured over the past 25 years, I welcome a soul mate who doesn't lose it. 

 

I don't think I'm his type.  I didn't think he was mine.  I do find him quite endearing though. 

 

I sense he is in pain.   I don't know if I should try talking to him or pray he gets a prettier chick. 

 

We've had a weird story. 

 

I met him on Facebook a few years ago.  He'd post between those awkward erotic postings of my other exes.   I tried to make them into jokes.  No one bought that.  There is nothing worse than your estranged spouse and your elderly aunt liking some post your first love makes about masturbation. 

 

The first thing going for this guy is that he keeps those kind of thoughts in private messages. 

 

The first time I saw my friend, he was sitting in a coffee shop during a political luncheon.  I didn't get to say much to him.  I had to get advice for some political issue I had gotten myself into and I only had an hour.  He sat there quietly staring at me.  I want to say that was over two years ago. 

 

He has the exact same name as another friend of mine.  My other friend has a similar birthday, similiar political mindset and the same patriotic avatar at one time.  This friend, with the same name, is married and had severe agoraphobia. 

 

When I received a text message inviting me to coffee from that name.  I thought it was my married friend with agoraphobia.  I knew he was seeking help.  I was excited that he was leaving the house. 

 

Of course, I went.  What am I?  Unsupportive? 

 

I was excited!!! 

 

Yeah!!!  

 

My super smart friend was going out into public!  I was looking forward to the day he'd run for congress or something. 

 

I think I got ahead of myself. 

 

I went and it was the other guy. 

 

I had so much fun. 

 

He's funny.  His laugh is the most wonderful sound in the world. 

 

He's filthy. 

 

I caught him staring at my butt. 

 

I paid for everything because I was embarrassed that I went on a date despite my crazy marital status. 

 

I'm married to a guy who claimed we were getting divorced once he found a job.  He only recently told me that he's lied and orchastrated crap to force me to stay with him for appearance sake. 

 

It's a lonely life.  I sleep alone and have for several years.   I rarely see my spouse.  He hangs out in the basement.  He ignores me.  The cops claim he's stalking me. So, we may get to spend time together that I know nothing about. 


I'm waiting for the lawyers he's hired to finish their legal crap so I can file for a divorce.   The lawyers want me to hold off looking for a job, restarting my business, or filing for a divorce until they finish their proceedings.  I've been waiting over four years for some legal crap to get settled.  Once one of his issues ends, he starts another one. 

I feel like my life is passing me by.   

 

In the middle of the night, I'll break down and cry.  I'll wish to have someone to love. 

 

I think my prayers were answered before I was ready for it.   

 

The more time goes by, the more enduring my new friend is becoming. 

 

I really like him and want what is best. 

 

I'm not it.  It's a sad thing to say but until I get my crap together, I am not best for him or anyone else.

 

That is a big problem for me. 

 

I can't jump in bed with anyone unless he's a friend.  If he's my friend, I'm going to hesitate to let him date someone as awful as me. 

 

Especially since I'm not divorced. 

 

I'm waiting....the lawyers are sitting on their tired little over paid butts. 

 

I heard from my friend today, not the one I lust after..... but the guy who shares his name.  My formerly agoraphobic friend has been busy.  He saw a friend of mine for therapy.  He went to school.  He has a new job. 

 

He called me today and left a message.  Guess what he does for a living? 

 

Matrimonial law. 

 

I'm not sure he can help but I'll give it a whirl. 

 

If it weren't for him, I wouldn't have met such a fun guy. 

 

Isn't it weird how the universe works? 

 

I wouldn't have accepted the date if it weren't for my confusion about those names.  If I hadn't mistaken those men for each other, I never would have gotten to know my new friend. 

 

Even if nothing comes of it, my new friend has changed my life.  He taught me to be more open.  He taught me to take risks, to learn something new, to get out there and live life.  He's changed me. 

 

If something more comes from this relationship, I guess I'll owe it to the guy who made me say yes to a date I didn't anticipate.  If he can get those papers signed, I'll really owe him quite a bit. 

 

If not, I'll forever remember the beauty of friendship and hope I can pass that gift on to someone else. 

 

Love ya,

 

S.