Friendship & Delusion

Today I am thankful for friendship.

I woke up with a fever today.  It was horrible.  When I'm sick, I have to clean.  It is weird.  It's like I get all flippin' delusional and think that if I bleach everything in sight the germs that have invaded my body will go away. 

I wasn't alone today.  My teenage daughter would not let me clean. 

I have a dear friend from high school.  He's a lot like me.  He has OCD.  He's intuitive.  He's the one that used to have a cigarette whenever we'd start talking dirty. 

He's stopped smoking, so now I'm afraid to talk to him.  What will he do now that both hands are free? 

Oh, lordy....

He let me in on a secret today. 

It's obvious that I'm depressed.  This is why he and a couple of other guys from back in the day are contacting me. 

I was informed that the girl he used to know would never give up something she wanted for a man. 

They want me to start thinking about myself. 

I'm trying to get out of here. 

This isn't co-dependence.  This is trying to avoid paying alimony.  This is trying to get my finances under control so I don't have to depend on my ex. 

I'm trying to be fair. 

It's hard to be fair when I'm the only one working on it. 

We've been separated for six years now.  

He's left me more times than I care to count.  He's left me over garbage his mother says.  He doesn't love me.  

He wanted me to help him until he found a job.  He wanted me to act as his wife.  Then he promised to help me divorce.  He found a job and broke his promise.  He threw all of our money into his 401K and stopped paying the minimum payments on the credit cards (many are in my name).  Of course, he told me that he was making the payments.  I went on to search for a traveling sales job but never passed the credit check. 

To this day, I have no clue where any of our joint money is being held, how much is there or how to access it. 

I'm not sure if what I'm being told is true anymore.  I really am not sure if I care enough to find out.  

I need a divorce.   

I need to make it legal. 

You get to a point where you don't care anymore. 

The lawyers want me to wait until he files bankruptcy.  He's sitting on the paperwork.  He said he did that to keep me here.  He acknowledges that we are married in name only.  I don't understand why this isn't a problem for him. 

Maybe if we could find him a marriage minded girlfriend? 

Maybe we need someone to nudge him a little. 

I don't know. 

I feel stuck.  If I get a job, will he or his family stalk me again?  I should wait until I file for a divorce and get that no contact order before I make my move. 

This is weird for me. 

People are noticing that I'm sad.  I need to do something so they don't worry so much. 

It is weird. 

I don't understand why I have to rationalize leaving him. 

I don't quite understand why I can't cheat.  If we are not together, why am I faithful?

Maybe I am the probblem.  I think I've always drawn the line at moving out.  We are not together when I'm out of the house.  Maybe I need to redefine the end of the relationship. 

It may help me feel like I am making progress. 

Today I am also thankful for the power of delusion. 

Yep....

My ex thinks I'm a djinn master.  His family runs around stalking me and calling me evil and Satan. 

Maybe I should play the witchy poo thing up? 

Hmmmmm....

I wonder what I can conjure?

I miss my friends. 

I miss my hometown. 

Maybe it is high time that I returned. 

If my fever breaks, I may spend the weekend back home.  I promised my aunt and uncle that I would visit our relatives at the tiny cemetary a couple of blocks from where I grew up.  Perhaps it is time to keep that promise.

Besides, if my ex thinks I'm into necromancy, maybe my visiting the dead will scare him a little it. 

We shall see. 

I'm down but I'm never out. 

Love ya,

S.