Hugs & Human Contact

Today I am thankful for hugs.

I think I miss human contact.

I ventured out of the house again to go to a community event.

I have a neighbor who has been trying to get me to date her high school sweetheart for about six months. He was trying to wait in the wings. I'm trying to hide.

He's a nice guy....but...I don't feel him like I should. I have to feel connected to people before I hang out with them. It's weird....I know.

She ran up to me and hugged me.

I had just finished working out and taken a shower. I have very long curly red hair. It takes hours to dry.

I felt icky, having her feel my damp head.

Then, I was grabbed and hugged by a politician, a school board member and another parent.

I miss being out in public.

I can't stay stuck here.

So...

I tried talking to the man in the basement again.

I'll never understand him.....ever...

I explained to him that if I stay I'll never be able to hold a job or save money. I'll never be able to finish my doctorate. Worse, if I stay here I will never have sex again.

The stalking scares me. The yelling scares me. The lack of access to money frustrates me.

The lack of nooky makes me mean and nasty.

I need to file for a divorce.

I'd prefer that he cooperates with me. If he cooperates, we can have a mediator take care of it for less than $750.

If he wants to be a dick, I'll end up paying $4,000 for a lawyer.

I told him that I may have to sell my wedding ring to pay the legal fees. He got angry and started digging through his jewelry box hunting for his wedding band. He became agitated and threw the box of jewelry on the floor.

I'm tired of this.

He said that he would like me to stay married to him even if it means that I have an affair.

No...

I'd rather leave first because the scenario he posits could hurt a third party.

He is promising me anything I want.

He's done that before.

I'm not buying it.

I feel so alone.

I wish I had someone I could trust with the reality of the situation.

Maybe, when it snows this weekend, my car will get stuck in another town and I'll have a couple of days of peace and quiet.

That is what I'm aiming for.

Anyone want to join me?

Love ya,

Stalker Proxy Phone Calls

What kind of songs do narcissistic stalkers sing? I imagine they sing songs like this. I am grateful now that I understand why the stalker has people call but wish they'd listen when I ask them not to call again. I probably should document this somewhere. My ex was talking to an old friend of mine from high school on a daily basis. She is his cousin. I had to quit talking to her when she'd ask me to plan parties and then refuse to give me the guest list saying that the attendees would only be me, her, my stalker Shannon, and my NPD mother-in-law. She wanted me to plan interventions. This happened with a baby shower. It also happened with a wedding. The in-laws put together a fake wedding trying to host an intervention to shame me and my ex into doing things for them (like quit school and give them my car). I had to cut this so-called friend off over that in 2004....

The Love Gods Have a Sense of Humor

Today I am thankful about the ever-changeable, ever-humorous universe. It is said that 'in life, the only constant is change.' Ah, this is a true tidbit, isn't it? I recently vowed NOT to date until Michael officially moves out of the house. I also vowed NOT to be close to him unless he signs up for FOO (Family of Origin) and Relationship counseling. I've been with the man nearly a quarter of a century, he's not going to go to therapy to have a relationship with me. He plays games with money, divorce agreements, custody arrangements, transportation, and all sorts of things to keep me stuck here. It's nothing money and a lawyer can't solve. ***** They say that dysfunctional people have three weapons that they use to keep people under their thumb. The acronym is FOG. Yes, they are FOG machines. What does FOG stand for? F ear O bligation -and- G uilt Yes, there is fear. Fear that he won't honor hi...

Personality Theory

Today I am thankful for personality theory. I can't say that I buy into it very much. People change over the course of their lives. Healthy people grow. Unhealthy people either stay static or regress. So what one tests today may change tomorrow. I do believe that personality theories (even ancient ones like astrology) create self-fulfilling prophecies. If people buy into it, it gives a lot of insight into their characters, needs, and behaviors. I've spent most of my adult life studying personality theories. From Eric Fromm's theory's about authoritian -vs- mature personalities and how authoritians fear power while mature people revel in it to Jung's introvert -vs- extrovert theory. A major one of interest to me is an offshoot of Jung, it is the MBTI type inventory. When I'm happy, I'm a textbook INFJ. When I'm pissed off and wanting to strangle my ex, I act like a ESTP. My ex is a ESTP a...

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