Warped Gratitude Blog

Today I am thankful that I am a political activist. I started my activism due to abuses that I personally witnessed in the public school system.  Yep, I had a teacher set me in his lap and grab my crotch.  I saw many of my classmates sexually abused by my fourth grade teacher.  His name was Mr. Kogan.  I don't think he has ever won parole. He threatened me and told me not to tell my parents.  I did what my daddy said to do.  He said that "do not tell" was a secret code for "tell".  So, I told my Native American step-father what the teacher tried to do to me.  The school did not want to help, so my daddy went to see the teacher and threatened to scalp him.  That teacher never touched me again.  That stuck with me.  ***** When I was older and had kids, I witnessed absurd things happening to children of color.  I once saw my neighbor's young son dangled by the ankles by a white teacher. When I ...

Today I may or may not be thankful for crazy internet personalities. I think the jury is still out with regard to one person.  I think this man and I met on a stalking page at Google+ a couple of years ago.  This guy used to have great ideas for keeping Shannon at bay.  He told me to buy a bar for the front door.  He mentioned switching the locks and had various other ideas to help me.  This man is fairly young. He's also a voice over artist, like I am. For some reason, he's been copying and sharing my statuses on Facebook every day for about three months. Some of my status updates are incredibly personal. At first, I didn't mind. I don't know what to think now.  I have to say that he is NOT a Facebook friend. He does not follow me on Facebook, Google, Twitter, or any other social network. He simply copies and shares my stuff.  I get a little notification every time he shares and likes something. Lately, he's star...

Today I am thankful psychology research: I understand why all my failed relationships died. My marriages died because the men were not there for me. The guy I was with just a few months was not there for me when I lay in the hospital with a 50% chance of dying after he beat me with a hammer. He thought I was faking. The other man was never there when his family was stalking me. He also chose to leave me alone when I was in labor; after he wanted me induced to schedule the delivery around his schedule and forbidding the doctors from giving me pain relief. I felt betrayed by each of them. In the end, I just wanted them gone.   Wow....this is enlightening. ***** Steve and I typically break up when I am unavailable to him.  Typically it is because my phone was left somewhere for days at a time or I need a break from the drama. You know, I think he's always been there for me. When I ran for office, Steve was there for me...

Today I am thankful that I can be alone in an attempt to heal myself. I was very happy today.  I went to a seminar. Someone told me about my dream job. I was scheming ways to teach.  I made a list of all the new software I wanted to learn so I could give awesome presentations. I was excited. I was happy.  I came home.  My ex-husband gave me $1,100 from the account he was supposed to sign over to me. I borrowed that amount from someone to repair my car.  He wanted me to pay it back.  He thinks that if I give this money to the person I borrowed it from, I will cut off the relationship. I have the means to pay it back handled. Well....it turns out my ex-husband raided that account yet again.  He wouldn't tell me how much he took out.  He won't give me the receipt. I told him to estimate how much money he took out since our divorce and give me a plan to pay it back.  It turns out that he adm...

Today I am thankful for the opportunity to write a book.   I was contacted by someone asking me to consider writing a book.  He would edit it.  He claimed it would help me advertise and build my brand. I don't know what I'd write about.  He told me to look at my life experience and training. Hmmmmm......I don't know what I would write about.    Erotic Hypnosis?   Overcoming the fallout from Domestic Violence?   Overcoming the anxiety created by a stalker (or would that be domestic violence, too)?   Sigh.....those are things in my life that I screwed up royally.  I've made a ton of mistakes that I'm learning how to overcome. Do not hypnotise yourself to cum upon seeing the color lime green or you'll inadvertently sit with a hot old flame (who looks pretty darn good in a kilt) while sipping coffee in a floral art gallary. He lives in San Francisco.  I'm not what he wants....

Today I am thankful for the final straw. It was Facebook.  I accepted Steve's friend request the other day. Even after not having the argument from Saturday resolved, I made the mistake of accepting his friend request. That was a big mistake.  I logged in this evening. Right in front of my eyes is an advertisement. Steve [his last name] likes [brand] dating service. Okay....I unfollowed him.  I don't want to see that stuff. That wasn't the last straw.  I wrote to him to tell him that friending him was a mistake and asking permission to defriend him. He starts to play the game where he claims that his phone won't let him read my messages. I wrote that I would just block him and be done with it. He saw that and got defensive. So....I'm tired. Why invest time and energy into a relationship with someone who plays games, censors your speech and is hell bent on replacing you anyway? It gets old.  Love, S.

Today I am thankful for taking time to decide what I want. I had a horrible morning on Saturday.  I am NOT sure I want to talk about it.  It was about someone wanting to have an argument then misreading what I said, giving me the silent treatment, then complaining that he doesn't like certain words said in his house. This, of course, makes me NOT want to ever visit his house. I wound up leaving without resolving the issue.  To tell the truth, I am NOT sure why I feel like I need to run off from this guy.  I think it is that we are incompatible.  He doesn't believe in incompatibility. Perhaps incompatibility is a synonym for uncomfortable.  I am uncomfortable.  Since, Steve does not buy into incompatibility, I have to define it.  I have to define exactly what makes me uncomfortable. I spend a lot of time trying to define the problems. I think I spend a lot of time not saying what I want to say for fear of getting mad...

Today I am thankful for websites. Today I was informed that my former sister-in-law was stalking me to run me out of the house and away from my children.  I don't know what to think.  I am visualizing this chick getting probed in the local jail. If she comes near me again, that is exactly what is going to happen. Oh..and yeah...there are several websites and forums devoted to telling mother-in-laws how to do stalk their sons wives.  They talk about wanting to get their sons divorced and living with them.  I have heard this before.  In 1999, I was told that the goal was to run me off so that my kids and then-husband would live with my  mother in law.   Interesting..... Maybe they are just losers.  I am having a hard time believing that other people are going through this. Is the internet a round up venue for crazy meddling old ladies to discuss and justify engaging in felonious acts? ***** The...

Today I am thankful for deep breaths. I found out why my ex won't give me copies of our tax returns!!!  WE owe $800.00.  I don't know why we owe so much.  We usually owe $23.00.  Maybe someone was messing around with his withholdings so that he could hide money during the divorce. No worries, right?  I'll just ask him to sign over that account that was due to me on November 1, 2013.  We can pay the bill out of that and he can pay me back his half later.  You know, the one that has $28,000 in it? Oh, that's right.  He took $5,000 without telling me in late November (after he was supposed to sign it over to me).  Guess what? Today it has $19,500 in it.  I see a lawyer on Friday. Oh, and I asked my ex about these things.  He denies owing the IRS money.  He denies touching that account.  The IRS screwed up.  The bank is taking out fees.  Yada...yada...yada.  This i...

Today I am thankful that there are politicians who know who I am, what I do, and actually fear me. I thought of the perfect wish for a witch. Perhaps it is more of a perfect curse. I'll spare you my rant.  I got the idea after reading the fifth article about local governments that are banning cigarette alternatives.  They are too stupid to understand that banning e-cigarettes will condemn hundreds and thousands of people to death from the tar in traditional cigarettes. These bans are a boon for tobacco companies. They are a boon for the medical community because it ensures a steady stream of cancer patients. They are a boon for the governments that tax traditional cigarettes. It's not about the electronic devices.  To tell the truth, politicians I know pass a lot of laws that condemn innocents to death. They pass gun laws which make it hard for people with stalkers (like me) to get a carry permit. They pass laws that force battered wome...

Today I am thankful for my new mantras. I'm in a hurry.  There is a lot going on but I don't have a lot of time to update everything. I had a talk with Michael today. Two things came from this. First, he never gave me the money I was awarded in the divorce because he just hasn't gotten around to doing it.  He will.  There is probably $20,000 left of the $28,000.  There was $32K, the day I filed for a divorce.  There was $28,000 the day he was supposed to sign it over to me.  I told him that I may sue him for some of the money he took after he was supposed to give the account to me.  It's a little over $5,500.  Yes, there is a little discrepancy in the numbers and that is because I asked for $2,000 to buy a used car after I gave Michael my van.  What was left of that money was used to repair Mike's van. Mike promises to get around to cutting me a check in the near future.  That will clear up a lot in my...

Today I am thankful for my Shaman friends.   One of them will admit to casting a spell to help me find true love.  She did this twice.  She did this in February of 2011 after hearing me complain about all my meetings with ex-boyfriends and stalkers.  I used to describe my life as an ex-fest.  I met Steve within eight weeks. She did it again in September of last year for a birthday present.  With that, my separation agreement was signed.  Within days, Steve started putting the moves on me.  He wanted to tell the world that he was in love with me.  Sadly, we've been doing the breaking up and making up thing ever since. I realize that it is because I want a damn job before I suck some poor man into my world. I'm expensive!!! Steve doesn't seem to care about money.   He's such a romantic. You know, money helps.  I can earn my keep.  I have a need to earn my own living. I asked my...

Today I am thankful for my carpet cleaning machine.  Last Thursday, I overheard the toilet in my ex-husband's basement level apartment gurgling.  I bought some mine line cleaner and asked him to put it in his toilet when he went to bed.  I was heading off to Steve's house for the weekend, so I wouldn't be able to do it.  He said he would.  Main line cleaner prevents sewer back ups. Well....he did not.  And, now the house smells like a sewer. Instead of attending an oil and gas networking event where they are giving activists FREE public speaking lessons, I am stuck here cleaning crap out of my ex-husband's living area. With every movement, with every bucket of sewer water I collect, I realize that this is WHY I do not want to get married. It has been nothing more than an unpaid job for me.  It is an unpaid job that keeps me from pursuing more lucrative opportunities. There were no perks.  There w...

Today I am thankful for understanding what makes me happy.   I like being busy.  So, that's what I am going to do.  I'm staying busy. ***** I finally realized why my ex-husband is still here.  I've had a heart to heart with him.  He knows it is over.  He just wants to make sure that I am able to support the family without him. I could do that if he'd honor the divorce agreement.  I had to do some soul searching to find out why I haven't thrown him out yet. I figured it out!!! And, you know, that insight helps me understand why I cannot communicate with my boyfriend, too. **** Men, like Michael and Steve, like to find the quickest and easiest route to success.  They like the road with the least obstacles.  The like to take the river worn path; the path of least resistance. I am the opposite.  I want to find the absolute best solution for everyone.  This causes me to open up to new so...

Today I am thankful for my new found resolution to only date people with graduate degrees; maybe I ought to hang out with people who have the same level of academic achievement. I had a very nice day with Steve yesterday.  It was nice. This morning I thought I'd spend the rest of my life with him. Then....today, I thought I'd see if I could compliment him on his Facebook page and he has to post a poorly written study with the conclusion that nice and conscientious people will kill other people because government officials tell them to.  Nice people are deadly.  They will kill you because they do not want to disappoint the government.  He used this to push Anarchism.  Nice people, he claimed, are statists.  Oh...my...goodness..... Okay....that tears it.  Enough is enough. I forgot how stupid his Anarchist rants are.  I forgot his stupid assertions that All Libertarians believe this...misunderstand that...are that way....do the...

Today I am thankful for the realization that my divorce is actually over: Now I can get back to life. I don't know where to start. I actually miss having a public relationship with Steve.  Men are coming out of the woodwork again. Sunday, it was a man I went to high school with.  I never knew him.  His name is Rick and he's concerned about the stalking I'm enduring.  I'll ignore him until our reunion in two weeks.   Today, it was a guy named Mike.  He sent me a private message.  "I saw you in the paper and thought you would be a cool person to know.  Let's hook up."   I discreetly signed out.  UGH!!!   This guy is Christian. Why do Pagan women attract so many Christian men? Is it a numbers game?  Is it because the majority of men here are Christian? Or is it because they want to save us? I think my religion is why Steve keeps breaking up with me. He work...