So....
Long story short....
I dream of an old friend from high school too much. I've never admitted that he was my first love - as I give that title to my old T-40 (bass not the tank) - but, in essence, despite my denial over it, one could say he was my first love.
The dreams are typically nightmares in which he is either dying or wounded. In the dreams, I am helpless to do anything. (Yeah -there's possibly some repressed guilt there, huh?)
This has gone on over 33 years.
The biggest problem is that I talk in my sleep.
It's not so much talking - but screaming out "OH NO! [GUY'S NAME]" IN HORROR!
When the dreams go on too much, I'm told that I scream out "Oh no! NOT AGAIN [NAME]"
This has been hilarious when I've fallen asleep at parties that tend to go on for days.
This hasn't been so funny when it has happened in my few serious relationships.
Nope...
I've decided to sit out relationships until I can either lucid dream really well, stop talking in my sleep or go a year without a nightmare of this sort.
In trying to find out the reason for the nightmares I've blamed everything from eating too late, visiting my hometown, taking prescription medications, Mercury Retrograde, subconsciously not wanting to get into a relationship and.....(don't know, I'm looking for a new excuse).
Over the years, therapy hasn't helped. I had one therapist tell me that it sounds like I "lost [my] best friend."
I can't do anything about that.
It's been so long, we are two different people. Worse, we don't seem to like the same kinds of things anymore (one of us is a bitchy activist who is a below-average musician and the other is a dare devil).
Sadly, when we visit each other, we catch ourselves falling into old patterns. He worries about what I eat (or don't). I worry about whether or not certain needs (that are none of my business) are being met.
That's the challenge. When the tension gets bad, something happens that embarrasses me publicly (to chase me away) and we go silent for many years.
How can we be friends? It's not going to happen. I have accepted that.
My subconscious mind has yet to get with the program.
****
This go round, the dreams became vivid over the summer. I saw him depressed, drunk, ideating self-harm taking him into hell, burned to death in a fire, eaten by wolves - just nasty stuff.
These were vivid. By October, I had these dreams nightly.
I hated sleeping because I woke up in a state of anxiety.
There were anxiety meds that had a bad interaction. I swear they were making me psychotic. Worse, they made me lose 20 pounds in less than a month because food made me think of the fire dream
But -
today I realized that while my mind was busy focusing on the possible reason for the dreams,
other stuff I'd been trying to manifest over the past decade came to me easily.
I was previously locked out of licensure as a counselor due to the age of my degree and a missing practicum. The law changed creating a path for me in August.
There are more offers for jobs than I can count.
One job is in Longmont. I've wanted to move there for awhile.
Another job is in my home town. I wanted to move there in '08 when my ex and I were talking divorce.
There is a lesson here.
It's a positive lesson.
If we obsess over something and overthink it, nothing happens.
If he obsess over something else, we get what we initially wanted.
Weird, eh?
So - don't think too hard over stuff you want. Obsess over stuff you don't. Since I don't want anyone to die young, I guess I can obsess over that.
Some may say that I wouldn't know if he died. This person haunts my subconscious mind now. With my luck, this person would continue to haunt me after death. I kinda hope that I kick the bucket first. I'll do my very best to find my way into the light so I don't bug anyone.
Love ya,
S.