It's the prescriptions.
Damn it....
I have four days to go until the Adderall leaves my system completely. That is if I continue to avoid tapering myself.
The only problem is that I'm tired -but- at least I haven't fallen down.
It's weird to think that the anti-anxiety meds were actually giving me anxiety!!
Wow -
Of all people, I should have figured this out sooner before my dream life became a horror show!
On the bright side, I can donate a ton of ugly clothes now.
That quick weight loss wasn't worth the freaky dreams. I look like a balloon someone popped with a pin.
We're not built to lose 20 pounds in less than a month.
So -
I still have dreams that bother me -
but I haven't seen any death or destruction.
It's better.
Whew!
It makes me wonder if they put me on amphetamines when I had grotesquely creepy dreams of the same person in 2003 and 2005?
I don't remember.
Now that I think back on it, I was working on a research project. Maybe they did?
Why is this person the victim in my creepy dreams?
He wasn't mean to me. Why do I dream of the guy I'm protective of?
Why can't I dream of the freak who almost murdered me getting hit by a semi, pecked to death by vultures, eaten by wolves, having a seizure, burned to death (or whatever the nightmare of the week is)?
The answer is that I probably wouldn't care enough about him to remember the dreams. The last dream I had of him was of him cheating on his wife and trying to drag me into his orgy.
He's almost sixty now. His wife is in her mid-sixties? They drink a lot and don't take care of themselves.....so......it's rugly (really ugly).
Still....
The meds aren't worth it. They're not helping if I spent 7 out of 8 hours trying to sleep in tears.
I'll just go through the rest of my life acting like a squirrel. It tends to help me get stuff done anyway.
Mindfulness is a better strategy for dealing with a lack of focus than medication.
*****
It is still bothersome.
First, it really awoke stuff in my psyche that I've been trying to avoid.
It's nice to pretend to be an unfeeling robot. I think after having all those dreams, that schtick won't fly.
I'm embarrassed by my lack of understanding people I care about. The fact is that, at times, I can get too caught up in what I'm feeling (and my confusion about it) that I lose the ability to intuit what is going on with other people sitting a foot away from me.
Then there is the realization that I'm a jack-nut and have really done some stupid shit in my life. Most of my stupidity comes from thinking I'm doing right by someone else (when I'm really not).
There are times when I think I want to get back to giving speeches, buying a ton of musical instruments and play local clubs in some type of new age band, write books and run around railing at the wall the government has put between itself and the people.
I don't obsess over dreams like that. I used to. I used to take ideas from the dreams and write songs, or use them to write articles and sprinkle in speeches.
I'm a little scared by the kind of dreams I'm obsessing over.
Maybe I need to put together a horror website on the dark web.
Still...there are dreams I won't share with anyone. Those are the ones I'm crying over.
There is a lesson in them: We are to choose Love over Fear.
((( Maybe I should write a song about it? ))) 
Secondly,
I rely on my sixth sense to navigate the world. I had a horrific childhood between the ages of six and fourteen. My aunt and uncle saved me from the horror on and off since the day I was born. Yes, I grew up as my uncle's daughter. The horrors happened when I went home to my parents or those stints in foster care when my uncle was struggling with addiction.
As a kid, I figured that I was afraid of everything. I used to believe that this is why God gave me the ability to see ahead into the future - so I could prepare. As I grew up, I explained it as my ability to see a path and project what would happen based on the premise that people typically are engrained in their behaviors which makes it easy to predict what path they take.
I know stuff I'm not supposed to know. The Jungians I know claim that is a part of my personality (INFJ).
Nonetheless
I had premonitions of my mother's death. I saw my step-father's suicide an hour before it happened. I saw my cousin murdered by having his jugular cut while he sat in his truck (but by the time I called my uncle, he was trying to reach out to me to say that my cousin was dead). I saw myself on a stage in front of hundreds of people in front of a microphone and television cameras (thought I'd be a singer - but that scene actually played out as myself acting like a political psycho-bitch).
There are things I've seen that have happened (which I won't share).
There are things I've seen that have yet to happen.
When I was a kid, I wrote poetry based upon the visions. It's weird that many of them have actually come to pass. They kinda got me in trouble when people read them thinking I'd done those things (YIKES).
This is a trait my eldest daughter has. When she was three years old, my ex-husband and I took her to her favorite restaurant. She refused to go inside. She literally opened the door, peered inside and turned away to walk back to the car. She said that the people inside were scary. Eight hours later, I drove by the restaurant on my way into work and saw the coroner's van by the entrance.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/1993_Aurora,_Colorado_shooting
That was one I didn't see coming
The future is always fluid. We can work towards a future different than one we envision for ourselves. We can try to inspire others to live in positivity and light and live their best possible futures.
The future is always up in the air.
This time - due to the drugs - I don't know if I can trust my intuition.
Were these intuitions? Or were they just freaky drug-induced hallucinations?
I don't know. That one about the political activist dude in my house creeped me out - I'm more than happy to chalk that one up to a hallucination/delusion.
Or maybe this drivel I'm typing is my remembering it through the eyes of someone with Adderall in her system?
This is why I kept diaries.
Too bad, I can't find them. I'm pretty sure I threw those out a couple of weeks ago with all those fun clothes that I never intended to wear again. This is embarrassing - I could literally rent a dumpster, fill it with clothes and still have more than I want or need.
*****
I know what I see when I close my eyes and try to dream.
It's a little weird.
Not sure how much to share.
There is a vision about my creating a piece of art for another human being.
Nothing fancy. It seems to be a therapized type of greeting to remind someone of his/her assets.
It seems pretty cool. I'm debating making it.
It's insanity to think I'll get this to the person.
Still....if it turns out well, I think it would be a great thing to make with my patients.
On the other hand, I really need to hit the books -or- break in my new guitar.
At the spur of the moment, I signed up for a post-grad weekend intensive class. I thought it would get my mind off of the dreams.
Nope - I still dream.
At least no one is dying.
I have an exam in the morning.
It's probably time to find a new doctor, too.
*****
This is my problem.
There is far too much to do.
I'll start three projects and try to divide my time between them. I only finish about 80% of what I start.
It's so hard for me to just do one thing at a time.
I'll give the art project a go.
If the lessons and ideas from the delusions are helpful, I'll act as if they are intuitions.
No harm can come from them if I hold no expectations.
I shouldn't feel guilty for caring and praying so long as it's pure and no one finds out about it.
Witches have what we call a Book of Shadows. We are supposed to record every prayer in it so we can reverse it if needed. If some guy ever visits my house, it's going to be weird to try to explain all those prayers for random guys to find wives.
You know....it's just another excuse to run away.
-Or- I can destroy the books. There is no way I'm going to forget those prayers.
Love ya,
S.