Skip to main content

Covid Flirting & Understanding That I Need Time (w/ edit)


 
Today I am thankful for faith. 

Today was an interesting day.  I managed to visit all of the graveyards.   I still have an extra bouquet of flowers as I couldn't find my cousin's grave.  Justin was a political activist who died in his early thirties of skin cancer. He left behind three children (one of whom was adopted - just like he was). 

I did a lot of praying today.  I prayed for a few newly departed people, asking that anything keeping them in limbo be forgiven and that they'd be freed.  I asked people to watch over those they left behind. I thanked others for being kind souls while they were on this plane of existence. 

*****
On the drive home, I thought about vows. 

I made a vow as a kid to always be a friend to someone and love that person unconditionally. 

It made me cry. 

I didn't do a good job being a friend.  I'm hoping that the prayers help on some level. 

*****

I wound up going to a grocery store to get dinner for the teenagers.  I found myself looking at hair conditioner and approached by a beautiful 50-something man with brown eyes, salt and pepper hair asking for help finding prophylactics with a Greek accent.  We engage in a short conversation as I led him to the aisle and point to a shelf on the right.  He doesn't see it so I walk him down the aisle and get up close and point at the boxes.  I wasn't about to touch them.

Yeah - my excuse was Covid germs.  Another excuse could have been my latex allergy.  It was just starting to feel a tad bit stupid at this point.  . 


Then, he starts staring into my eyes and asks "Is there anything you're looking for that I can help you find?" 

"No, I'm good.  Thank you," I say as I start to run away. 

I lingered at the other side of the store for about 30 minutes before going back for my hair conditioner. 

Gosh, I'm stupid. 

How does one flirt wearing those stupid Covid19 mandated masks? 

How did that guy know I didn't have a huge beard underneath that blue mask? 

Isn't it weird how we get used to seeing people in their masks?  When we finally see them without the facial coverings, it's as if their chins don't match the rest of their faces? 

I was wearing one of my obnoxious fake rings on my left middle finger, too. 

I can't flirt right now.  I can't flirt after all of those nightmares and not being able to understand what the lesson my brain is trying to tell me.  I certainly cannot flirt after pouring my heart out while cleaning bird poop off of numerous headstones. 

My daddy wouldn't approve of my flirting.  He died in 1987 playing Russian Roulette. His headstone always seems to be covered in bird poop.  I'm going to have to go back and clean it when the sun is shining. 

*****
I finally realize what I want.  

Sex for the sake of sex isn't really anything I want or need.  I think I'll just wait until I find someone I can truly resonate with.  I'm not really in any hurry. 

I realized today that every person I've known well enough for that was a person I dreamt off prior to meeting him.  Maybe I should pay attention to the dreams? 

Except the ones I had the other day.  Politicians are not my cup of tea. 

Right now, I'm going to embrace my lack of desire and own my label. 

Apparently, our Governor dedicated a week to prudes like me.  I didn't know about it until today. 


When I shared with a bunch of people on social media, that my entire adult life has been dedicated to my awareness of asexuality - I got a lot of those laughing emojis. 

Why doesn't anyone believe me when I tell them I'm asexual?  

Sigh....

I don't know. 

Right now, I think I just need to go back to reading, taking classes and studying for my exams. 

Maybe I'll order my groceries online rather than shop until this Covid stuff ends to avoid the flirting.

When I can finally visit my home town without thinking of a certain person and go three months without dreaming of him  - maybe then I'll be ready to flirt and try to find love. 

Love ya, 

S. 

Edit Nov. 8: 

So....I think I pissed off Aphrodite.  I did my Friday ritual.  My prayers for others went okay.  Her candle stayed lit.  It was when I asked for confidence in love, that her candle went out on its own. 

Her candle doesn't typically extinguish easily. 

I tried again.  Same thing. 

My prayers to Dionysus were received.  His candle stayed lit for hours. 

Aphrodite....not so much. 

I thought it over for a couple of days before I looked at the last prayer for myself. 

It was October 31, 2020.  

I must've been drunk on Benadryl and Champaign. I asked for something different.  I asked for a lifetime love who I found attractive, who found me attractive, who practiced safe sex, would let me know what he wanted so I wouldn't inadvertently lead him on and would let me honor my religion.  

This was the day before I met that gorgeous Greek man with the beautiful brown eyes asking me to lead him to the condoms before staring into my eyes and asking to help me find something I was looking for.. 

Uh oh....I think I did it again. I possibly ignored another gift sent to me.
 
Um....next time I'll ask that he is gift wrapped and/or willing to take things a tad bit slower.  At this point, I think I've irritated the Gods of Love. 

((( hugs )), 

S. 


Popular posts from this blog

Stalker Proxy Phone Calls

What kind of songs do narcissistic stalkers sing?  I imagine they sing songs like this.   I am grateful now that I understand why the stalker has people call  but   wish they'd listen when I ask them not to call again.  I probably should document this somewhere.  My ex was talking to an old friend of mine from high school on a daily basis.  She is his cousin.   I had to quit talking to her when she'd ask me to plan parties and then refuse to give me the guest list saying that the attendees would only be me, her, my stalker Shannon, and my NPD mother-in-law.   She wanted me to plan interventions.   This happened with a baby shower.  It also happened with a wedding.  The in-laws put together a fake wedding trying to host an intervention to shame me and my ex into doing things for them (like quit school and give them my car).   I had to cut this so-called friend off over that in 2004.  We ran into her at a Wal-mart in 2005 and my keys went mi

The Love Gods Have a Sense of Humor

Today I am thankful about the ever-changeable, ever-humorous universe.   It is said that 'in life, the only constant is change.' Ah, this is a true tidbit, isn't it? I recently vowed NOT to date until Michael officially moves out of the house.  I also vowed NOT to be close to him unless he signs up for FOO (Family of Origin) and Relationship counseling.  I've been with the man nearly a quarter of a century, he's not going to go to therapy to have a relationship with me. He plays games with money, divorce agreements, custody arrangements, transportation, and all sorts of things to keep me stuck here.  It's nothing money and a lawyer can't solve.  ***** They say that dysfunctional people have three weapons that they use to keep people under their thumb.  The acronym is FOG. Yes, they are FOG machines. What does FOG stand for? F ear O bligation -and- G uilt Yes, there is fear.  Fear that he won't honor his financial

Personality Theory

Today I am thankful for personality theory. I can't say that I buy into it very much.  People change over the course of their lives.  Healthy people grow.  Unhealthy people either stay static or regress.  So what one tests today may change tomorrow. I do believe that personality theories (even ancient ones like astrology) create self-fulfilling prophecies.  If people buy into it, it gives a lot of insight into their characters, needs, and behaviors.   I've spent most of my adult life studying personality theories.  From Eric Fromm's theory's about authoritian -vs- mature personalities and how authoritians fear power while mature people revel in it to Jung's introvert -vs- extrovert theory.  A major one of interest to me is an offshoot of Jung, it is the MBTI type inventory.  When I'm happy, I'm a textbook INFJ. When I'm pissed off and wanting to strangle my ex, I act like a ESTP.  My ex is a ESTP and when he is stressed out