Today I am thankful for faith.
Today was an interesting day. I managed to visit all of the graveyards. I still have an extra bouquet of flowers as I couldn't find my cousin's grave. Justin was a political activist who died in his early thirties of skin cancer. He left behind three children (one of whom was adopted - just like he was).
I did a lot of praying today. I prayed for a few newly departed people, asking that anything keeping them in limbo be forgiven and that they'd be freed. I asked people to watch over those they left behind. I thanked others for being kind souls while they were on this plane of existence.
*****
On the drive home, I thought about vows.
I made a vow as a kid to always be a friend to someone and love that person unconditionally.
It made me cry.
I didn't do a good job being a friend. I'm hoping that the prayers help on some level.
*****
I wound up going to a grocery store to get dinner for the teenagers. I found myself looking at hair conditioner and approached by a beautiful 50-something man with brown eyes, salt and pepper hair asking for help finding prophylactics with a Greek accent. We engage in a short conversation as I led him to the aisle and point to a shelf on the right. He doesn't see it so I walk him down the aisle and get up close and point at the boxes. I wasn't about to touch them.
Yeah - my excuse was Covid germs. Another excuse could have been my latex allergy. It was just starting to feel a tad bit stupid at this point. .
Then, he starts staring into my eyes and asks "Is there anything you're looking for that I can help you find?"
"No, I'm good. Thank you," I say as I start to run away.
I lingered at the other side of the store for about 30 minutes before going back for my hair conditioner.
Gosh, I'm stupid.
How does one flirt wearing those stupid Covid19 mandated masks?
How did that guy know I didn't have a huge beard underneath that blue mask?
Isn't it weird how we get used to seeing people in their masks? When we finally see them without the facial coverings, it's as if their chins don't match the rest of their faces?
I was wearing one of my obnoxious fake rings on my left middle finger, too.
I can't flirt right now. I can't flirt after all of those nightmares and not being able to understand what the lesson my brain is trying to tell me. I certainly cannot flirt after pouring my heart out while cleaning bird poop off of numerous headstones.
My daddy wouldn't approve of my flirting. He died in 1987 playing Russian Roulette. His headstone always seems to be covered in bird poop. I'm going to have to go back and clean it when the sun is shining.
*****
I finally realize what I want.
Sex for the sake of sex isn't really anything I want or need. I think I'll just wait until I find someone I can truly resonate with. I'm not really in any hurry.
I realized today that every person I've known well enough for that was a person I dreamt off prior to meeting him. Maybe I should pay attention to the dreams?
Except the ones I had the other day. Politicians are not my cup of tea.
Right now, I'm going to embrace my lack of desire and own my label.
Apparently, our Governor dedicated a week to prudes like me. I didn't know about it until today.
Sigh....
I don't know.
Right now, I think I just need to go back to reading, taking classes and studying for my exams.
Maybe I'll order my groceries online rather than shop until this Covid stuff ends to avoid the flirting.
When I can finally visit my home town without thinking of a certain person and go three months without dreaming of him - maybe then I'll be ready to flirt and try to find love.
Love ya,
S.
Edit Nov. 8:
So....I think I pissed off Aphrodite. I did my Friday ritual. My prayers for others went okay. Her candle stayed lit. It was when I asked for confidence in love, that her candle went out on its own.
Her candle doesn't typically extinguish easily.
I tried again. Same thing.
My prayers to Dionysus were received. His candle stayed lit for hours.
Aphrodite....not so much.
I thought it over for a couple of days before I looked at the last prayer for myself.
It was October 31, 2020.
I must've been drunk on Benadryl and Champaign. I asked for something different. I asked for a lifetime love who I found attractive, who found me attractive, who practiced safe sex, would let me know what he wanted so I wouldn't inadvertently lead him on and would let me honor my religion.
This was the day before I met that gorgeous Greek man with the beautiful brown eyes asking me to lead him to the condoms before staring into my eyes and asking to help me find something I was looking for..
Uh oh....I think I did it again. I possibly ignored another gift sent to me.
Um....next time I'll ask that he is gift wrapped and/or willing to take things a tad bit slower. At this point, I think I've irritated the Gods of Love.
((( hugs )),
S.