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Realizations

Today I am sad but thankful.


I am realizing that the stolen money, constant arguing, crying, raging and crazy crap is retaliation for my seeing Steve.

I spent Friday night with Steve.  There was hell to pay yesterday.


I have decided that until I can access what is left of the money I was awarded in the divorce or sneak around and earn enough to afford a lawyer to help me fix this mess, I have little choice but to be alone. 

Even if I could bring contempt charges into the courtroom on my own, without a lawyer, I think it would be just like the divorce agreement....it would be ignored.


I'm heartbroken. 


I may have to back away from politics and work, too.  Those things just cause more drama.

I am stuck. 


I know no other action that I can take.

I have to keep this guy happy until I can move out or get him to move out.


Yes, it is narcissism that makes men ignore legal agreements.  They leave you destitute.  They destroy your credit. 


It's got to be a bit more than narcissism.  I see quite a bit of delusion here, too.  He put off the divorce for six months because he said we would split a larger tax refund.  Now, he wants to use that money for marital therapy.


He doesn't understand what has happened.


Years ago, when I asked him to help me put a stop to the stalking and harassment, he told me to divorce him.  He'd been calling me his ex since 2006! 

Why has he changed his mind now?

I am so confused.


I don't want to drag anyone else into this mess. 

I don't know exactly what to do except to wait.


I'm crying today. 


Sometimes, though, it is best to look at the painful truth rather than ignore it and press on.  The painful truth is that I have to be alone right now.


Love ya,


S. 

Edit later that day:

Okay, so my ex-husband told me that he didn't mean a word of it.  It was the drugs talking. 

So....that's nice. 

He doesn't have an expectation of returning to me. 

Okay.....that is one less worry.  This is one less thing for me to clench my jaw over in the middle of the night.

Maybe he can't give me time table for moving on.  Maybe I just have to be patient. 

I can't take this anymore.  I can't take his control of my assets.  I can't take the time wasting lies. 

I can't take the recollections of his uncle lunging at me in public, his mother yelling at me, and his sister and her boyfriend stalking me. 

I have no clue what the heck I did to these people. 

They are whacked.  This is a dynamic that I am truly hoping to get away from. 

On another note, I got a lead on a decent sales job today.  It pays well.  It is a telecommuting job, so I could work from my office or home.  My home is full of alarm systems and video cameras.  I'm safe from the stalking here. 

Wish me luck. 

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