Today I am thankful for my conscience.
I've been sick for a little over a month.
I think it is due to stress.
So, I decided to quit caring so much.
I don't care if my ex hangs out here anymore.
I don't care if he ignores the separation agreement.
I don't care if he doesn't split the money as he was court ordered to do.
I don't care if he doesn't follow through.
I don't care.
My neighbor told me that my eldest threatened to "kick [my] ass" if her father moved out of the house. The youngest cries at the thought. I guess it's wonderful that they love their father so much. I am disgusted with my neighbor for broaching the topic with my daughter but he wanted to know why I haven't, as he put it, "kicked my ex-husband to the curb."
He's the father of my daughters. They need each other. Until he can see that his life is not going to consist of a dreary, empty apartment, he should be allowed to stay. I am realizing that it is easier this way.
Maybe I am supposed to be the one to move. That would be the best way to do this really. If I move out of state, the stalking would stop. I would be outside of his control. It could work.
Right now, I am depressed because it feels like the life I had designed for myself after divorce is on hold. I'm in too much pain.
I'm not sleeping. I'm still having trouble breathing. My lips turn blue. I'm still fainting.
I'm still praying for a way out of this mess that does not depend on a man.
I have an opportunity for a good paying job on Wednesday, so I guess I will not be able to formulate my plans until then. My ex-husband offered to take the day off from work so I could prepare and attend the interview without having to hire a babysitter. See? He is trying to help. I was shocked.
If this works, I won't be entitled to alimony. Please....I hope this works!
*****
I found a man I love but he wanted to move too fast. I felt as though he wanted to make me responsible for his needs. He wanted things that it takes at least a year of steady dating to acquire. He liked to accuse me of bizarre things in email. His emails steadily became more paranoid. After awhile, they stopped making sense. Then, he'd run off to Facebook to complain about how horrible a person he felt he was due to our relationship. That hurt.
Worse, he was a drama king. That drama could potentially put me in danger. Why he would invoke public conversations about my situation is beyond me.
I don't know if it is because we are both intuitive. He knew I was upset that my post-divorce life wasn't going as planned. He knew I felt bizarre seeing him with my ex-husband still hanging about. He probably could sense that I was backing away due to my embarassment over the situation. His behavior was probably due to .....oh crap, what's the word.....not paranoia.....it starts with a 'p'....
possession? I can't remember. It's my lack of sleep.
I think he wanted to stake a claim. I think when I take time to clean up my mess, Steve acts out for fear of losing me.
The problem was that my ex-husband would hear my sobs. He wanted to diagnose the situation. He claimed that Steve was acting like an alcoholic and urged me to go to Al-Anon with him. My father-in-law was an alcoholic. I don't know.....My ex-husband says a lot of things that make me feel like crying. I think he sincerely is trying to help on some level.
I guess all the crying will be good for me.
Eventually, I will want to stop crying.
Eventually, it'll force me out of my house.
My ex-husband is trying to comfort me. He tells me that he's never heard me say a bad word about him that wasn't the truth. He wants me to know that he's a grown man who can stand up for himself and that he was bothered by Steve's assertion that I made him look like a troll. He's telling me that Steve never loved me and to never see him again.
Right now, I am confused. I don't know what happened. I know my experience with Steve. His behavior changed overnight. I know he claims that it was due to judgments his therapist made. He claims that was in error. I feel incredibly disconnected from him. He diagnosed me as having "low self-respect". He demanded that I basically commit to him and be his everything. He deserved to have an immediate and deep sexual connection with me now. He demanded respect but refused to show me how I was disrespecting him: When I asked, he would write about how his mother disrespected his needs. I felt blamed for his reactions. It was like he wasn't taking responsiblity for his paranoia. Worse....worse....he tried to tell me that everything would be okay if I ignored my fear and intuition. You see? It was my intuition that told me he was the one for me. I can't take his advice there. I can't.
What I am seeing, hearing, and sensing is that this may have been the right guy at the wrong time. It may be best that he find what he needs now....elsewhere.
Love is like a flower. It blooms and blossoms in it's own time. You can't rush a rose. You can't push perfection. Water it with care....not too much...not to little. Let it grow, slowly if it must, but if you want to see what is possible....let it grow of its own accord. Don't cut the rose back before it blooms or you will never know what you can have.
I found those emails quite cutting. They caused me to take time away from the relationship and set the amount I put into the relationship back.All those tears made the rose drown in salt water.....that's not good!
It didn't help having my Pagan therapist buddy tell me that Steve had a crazy look in his eyes. I don't see crazy. I see pain. I see a naturally aggressive (yet good natured) individual sucking his brilliance back into his body - he doesn't allow the world to see who he is. I believe he does this as to not let his light overpower or gain the criticism of those self-centered people around him. I see his strength in his face. I see it in his posture. I see it when I get lost and he comes running out of nowhere to make sure I find my way.
I see who he is. I have enough sense to question my friend's diagnosis. I'm sad that he couldn't question his therapists comments. Oh well.....Que Sera, Sera.
Do I owe him that?
His emails to me were rude, emotionally abusive, and made little sense. Worse, he went to Facebook and made fun of me.
It was like his subconsious mind was screaming for something that he's been missing for a long time. I can't figure out how to do that right now. With all that has gone on, I no longer trust my heart.
I think my heart is stupid.
My heart wants to make sure he is happy.
What do I owe him?
I don't know.
I wish I knew.
There are times when I debate calling him to ask if he needs closure. There are other times when I think that would just make it worse.
Tonight at 7:00 p.m., I do a forgiveness and love releasing ritual. Hopefully it will help.
Love ya,
S.
Edit: The love releasing ritual did not work. The candle blew out on it's own. So.....
I don't know....
I guess I'll just continue to pray.