I guess today I can be thankful for my closure.
I'm not sleeping.
I am ruminating over an online conversation that I had with an INTP who dated three INFJs with little success. I contacted him because Steve (an INTP) and I (an INFJ) were having trouble communicating. I thought he could help.
I know...I know....Steve doesn't buy into labels and personality theory. I'm a big fan of Jung, so I had to investigate. Wow....in retrospect, I wish I would have heeded this man's warning.
I am sad now that I realize that he predicted how the relationship would go. If I would have not gotten involved with Steve, perhaps we wouldn't be in so much pain now.
Truth be told, I am a mystery. Sometimes I feel like I am mystery to myself. I'm always uncovering stuff I didn't know I could do....really....like seven years worth of celibacy. I had no clue I'd come through that like a champ.
Okay....back to the theory.
The INTP would want to distill the mysterious INFJ down to her basic truth. He would want to understand her. He would want to come up with a basic theory to help him understand everything about her. He wants her truth.
He'd think a commitment would help the INFJ to reveal herself. So, he would try to formalize the romantic situation. The early commitment would, in turn, freak her out. This eventually causes her to get weird and distance herself.
Holy crud!!!!
I'm going to think about this a bit and update the post later. I did write about it the day it happened. You can read about it here: http://warpedgratitude.blogspot.com/2013/09/demons.html
I never did find a male INTP that had a good experience with a female INFJ willing to talk to me. There are some online but I've never met one in person. The posts say that INFJ females are like golden retrievers....loyal and kind. We will jump the fence and run off if you try to push us or criticize us too much.
Hmmmmm........When I re-read the stuff about the stalking, I realized that I haven't taken care of that yet. Just because I've had a lull in it for a couple of weeks does not mean that it is over.
I could use my mystery to my advantage. Maybe the secretiveness could serve me well now.
I do wish I had someone that I could confide in....who would care to listen to me without shushing me. I have too much going on and need to focus.
I'll figure it out.
Love ya,
S.
Edit:
The more I think about it, the more I realize that it was Steve's absurd accusations that did us in. Everything I did was analyzed and there was a conclusion typically reached about my motivations. Often that conclusion was dead wrong.
Toward the end, Steve treated me like an enemy. That is not a trait I want in a lover. I want someone that trusts me enough to let me explore his body.
I love Steve. Nitpicking seems very ingrained in him. It is his way of sharing his anxiety. I fear that asking him to change that would keep him from talking about the real things going wrong in the relationship. Right now, the nitpicking is being done to fill the air so we don't have to talk about the real challenges we face. Eventually, though, as he works through his issues they will start being more accurate. I'd hate to have him feel stifled because he's learned to be quiet.
I think the game changer was his claim that I had no self-respect. That claim changed the dynamics of everything. He'd say I had no self-respect and then disrespect me.
At that point, I had two choices.
I could agree and let him continue to disparage me thus proving his point.
Or, I could walk away, like a healthy person, until he decided to treat me with respect.
They say we train people how to treat us: staying with him while he was behaving like that would train him to continue the behavior.
I'm at a loss. I'm worried about him. I guess I'll have to keep busy with other things.
If he could have learned to be more diplomatic or to trust me....then things could have been different.
Until that changes, he is not worthy of me. It's sad to say that. It hurts to say that. My soul hurts. I can barely function.
As time wore on, the inaccurate reading between the lines of my emails and nitpicking my every word started making me feel sad. I can only imagine how I'd feel three years from now if it continued. I know it is projection of what he thinks is wrong with him. I know it is a subconscious delusion; there is nothing wrong with him.
I know he was not secure that I would stay with him. I can see a family history of insecurity. I understand. He needed a commitment. I don't know how to make a commitment this early in a relationship.
I don't trust relationship coaches with this. There are real psychological issues at play. If we had been together longer, I would have hired a licensed couples counselor for an hour; once we know what we are dealing with then the coaches can step in.
There is something going on that is behind the outbursts, behind the paranoia, behind the delusions, behind the panic attacks. I am sure gaining a personal awareness of those issues that impact us on an individual level, we can each take responsibility for fixing ourselves. Until we gain that awareness we are both walking time bombs.
I guess I'll take this time to work on me. I hope everything goes well for Steve. I do worry about his health both mental and physical. In my late twenties, I was working towards a doctorate in health psychology/psychoneuroimmunology. I know how break-ups can undermine health. I want to call and offer him closure but I KNOW that if he hears my voice that dopamine is going to start flooding his system. I'll only prolong the pain.
So I don't know....I am not sure this is fixable.
If I find anymore grand insights, I'll share them.
Love ya,
S.
Next day edit:
I GET IT!! I GET IT!!
Steve reads into everything because he wants attention. I just don't know whose attention he wants because he puts this stuff on Facebook for everyone else to see.
Perhaps he's interested in another lady.
I was partially right when I said he was attacking me and twisting my words due to sexual frustration. It always started late in the week, especially on those weeks I had plans and could not be with him.
Perhaps it is more than that. Perhaps it is due to emotional frustration. He's alone and wants someone to pay attention to him.
Oh....well....arguing over minutia is not the best kind of attention one can get from a lady friend.
Yes, I am trying to run a diagnostic on the situation. Sometimes diagnosing the situation isn't a bad thing to do if you are open minded about it. It's like putting together a puzzle trying to fit the different pieces together to see what works. I don't even think Steve knows why he is doing it. I think he is subconsciously testing me.
I don't like it one bit.
I miss him -but- I don't want to promise to give him my body, soul, and what is left of my mind right now. His antics put him back at square one with me. I don't know who in the world he is right now.
I know my friends were trying to get both of us to see reason.
Reason?
Reason is letting someone fix her life before trying to corner her into making a commitment. A rich, stalk-free girlfriend is much happier than a stressed out girlfriend.
I still don't think I can deal with the games. The last stunt made me physically ill. He tried to put himself in my ex-husband's shoes. Every time I saw my ex-husband, I felt ill. Now, whenever I see Steve's picture, I start to feel the same way.
That man is loving the opportunity to tell me how much Steve never loved me. I must hear it thirty times a day.
That's okay....
I'll deal with it. I'm still processing it. I feel guilty for cutting Steve off but I had to do it for my own mental health. He was making fun of me. My friends were commenting and it moved across my feed.
I stopped following our mutual friends. This should enable me to remove the block. I mean, if I can remove it for my stalking in-laws and ex-husband, I can remove it for Steve.
Facebook ruins relationships. I swear, that website brings out a side of people I have never seen before. I have seen all of the men from my past devalue themselves on that page. I hate it!
I will NOT re-friend him nor will I look upon his page. There would need to be some heavy duty coaching for that.
I guess he can play all the games he wants. It will be outside of my awareness, so it will not matter anymore.
I've got my blinders on.
Love ya,
S.