Warped Gratitude Blog

Today I am thankful that I have recognized that when there is a lot of stress in one's life, the best thing to do is let go. My life isn't working.  My ex-husband won't move out.  I don't have the heart or money to evict him. I'm trying to convince him to sell the house.  The insurance just ballooned.  I can't afford the house now.  I feel guilty asking for alimony or him to pay back the $12,000 he stole after I filed for a divorce.  He said he'd do those things.  He never does what he says he will do.  I am thinking about moving out.  Yes, I was awarded this house and the equity in the divorce but the money I was promised in the separation agreement to start my new life isn't there now because my ex spent a good chunk of it without my permission.  The rest of it is still in an account with his name.  I'm probably going to wind up moving out anyway just to get away from the madness. Divorce decr...

Today I am thankful for those few moments that I get to laugh heartily. Someone with the same name as my high school sweetheart sent this video to my business email account.  I laughed so much!  So, perhaps....is it possible that ol' Tom is finally working out the issues pertaining to our former relationship and how I hurt him.....twenty-five years too late! I guess I should thank him (or whoever sent the video) for sharing his wood with me.  However, as of right now, I only woodwork with Steve.  Still.....I hope I never made any guy feel like I sliced him to shreds.  If it wasn't him, that's okay.  The thought made me giggle.  Whoever sent it has a gosh darn funny sense of humor.  Love ya, S.  Edit : I think my ex-hubby sent the video -or- it was a fluke. I spent some time thinking about it and "woodworking" was my ex-husband's metaphor for sex.  He was always obsessed with my fir...

Today I am thankful for forensic research.   I am realizing that my danger has not passed.  Steve wants me to move beyond the stalking.  I try.  I research it.  I delve into case studies.  I read too much.  How can I feel safe again? And, again it comes down to rage, anger, power, and the need to control another human being.  Stalkers tend to have had a previous relationship with their victims and do not want to let go of said relationship.  Then, I realize that I have my ex-husband living in my basement who daily tells me that Steve has everything he (meaning my ex) wants.  Then I feel sick and scared.  90% of stalkers have the ability to coerce their families into stalking for them.  I get more afraid.  Am I allowing the enemy close access?  Do I have to change up the divorce agreement, sell the house and move out of state?  I also am learning that most incide...

Today I am thankful for clarity: I am beginning to see exactly what was going on.   I officially lost my health insurance on January 9th due to the divorce.  I had the option of demanding that my ex pay $450 per month in COBRA to keep me on his insurance but I thought that was stupid.    Instead, I had a physical and got a prescription for birth control.  I have a medical reason for taking it.  I bleed so much that it makes it hard for me to go out in public IF I don't take my medication.  I figured that doing it this way, I would have a year to get health insurance on my own and save him a small fortune.    This is what I did.    Today.....today....my ex informs me that he intercepted a call from one of my providers about my birth control before the divorce was final.  I no longer have a prescription.  I think that I am going to have to save up money to pay for a doctor's visit to get ...

Today I am grateful that I finally understand the foundational underpinnings of bad sex.   It is judgmental communication.  I've only had a few partners in my life.  Two of them were incredibly judgmental.  Both of them only made love to me a handful of times.  We spent most of our times in conversation and at activities where many of the things I said and did were judged rather harshly. They both swore they wanted to spend their lives with me.  I couldn't do that.  ***** I am seriously deciding between having a break-up talk with my boyfriend -or- just letting the relationship fade away.  I can't kiss him passionately.  I can't go down on him without hearing that he doesn't like it.  I can't let go, can't fill myself with lust and can't go crazy on him.  I feel the desire.  I start and then I stop short.  I can start by kissing his thighs but as I get closer to the...

Today I am thankful for my 'G-Rating. Yeah.....I've been told that I have the aura of a good girl.  I guess I look kinda innocent.  I have this crazy, religious, good girl glow.  I was once told that I have the look of someone with a g-rating. Hmmmmm........ I have been trying to raise my rating to NC-17. No matter what I do, I cannot lose that innocent good girl glow.  Why is that?  I truly do not know .  I can try to make an educated guess.  I am Pagan.  I worship Dionysus, Aphrodite, and Eros.  These are the gods of beauty, sex, eroticism, passion, and love. Sex is worship.  Indulging a fantasy is worship.  Ignoring it is a sin.  If I find someone I desire, I can worship him.  In effect, my idea of worship is making him an altar to a God of love.  I worship my Gods by pleasing the one chosen for me.  The problem is when the man isn't up for the ...

Today I am thankful for the curious song stuck on repeat in my car. Yes, I haven't quite figured out how to use the radio in my brand new crappy car.  I shoved a Rihanna CD on it.  it's stuck on this song.   It plays over and over and over.  The old men stare and stare and stare.  The song is stuck in my head and plays and plays and plays over and over in my head in the grocery store, in political meetings, when I sleep by myself and start to cry, when I am with Steve and remember that he's not fond of fellatio.  Then I realize.... maybe..... it's not going to work.  I'm a little sad.  I need someone to let me be the leopard I truly am.  Perhaps it's not a bad thing to be alone right now.  If I can't bring myself to the point of being a raging inferno....it's not worth it.  I'm sad.  I'm off to cry in my bed alone....

Today I am thankful for my intuition.     I have to tell you....     I am not in a safe place right now.      In fact, I fear for my life more than ever.      I don't know if I have time to explain but I'll try.      My ex-husband still lives here.    He was supposed to move out in mid-October.    I was to receive $28K to live on and get back on my feet.  I signed away alimony due to the settlement.  The judge waived that agreement and said I had two years to ask for the money.  I may do that.  I don't want to because I am afraid of what would happen.    My ex is raiding my portion of the divorce settlement.  It is down 50% from where it was the day I filed.  It is down 33% from the day he was supposed to sign it over to me.  He still hasn't signed it over to me.      A week before...

Today I was sick.  Between writing my blog and doing voice overs, I spent some time fantasizing what I would wish for if I could have any wish granted.   First, I want a job so I can prove the myself that I was right to refuse alimony even when pressed by the judge.  I want something for myself, too.  I want something hot and fun.  I want something that would help me understand the man I love. Let me explain.  I think my love found my blog.  He just knows stuff.  He probably knows that he looks like my step-father.  He's the same height and build.  He has blue eyes.  He shaves his head.  He will know that he smells like my step-father's cologne, if he sees this.  I realized why I feel safe around him.  I met my step-father when I five years old.  I would get lost, hurt, or put in danger and this beautiful, bald fireman always managed to find me.  When I was seven years old, he met my...

Today I am thankful that I am digging my way out of a hole. I am still not happy.  The divorce agreement will not be honored.  That's okay.  I went crying to my sister-aunt.  She's the kid I was raised with when my grandmother stole me from my mother and father.  We act like sisters.  Her advice was to suck it up.... She told me to buy a shitty car to ride around in until I can get a decent one.   So, I did.  I am now the proud owner of a super old and ugly Nissan that has a blue book value of $2,300.  I got it for $1,500.  A neighborhood mechanic owned it.  It has about six months before the bearings in the front tire go bad.  He gave me the bearings.  I also need a tire.  He welcomed me to call him if the car started acting funny.  I have six months to get my shit together.  He thinks the car can last three more years.  I trust the mechanic.  I can now look for a...

Today I am thankful that I am officially single.  The decree was issued on Thursday.  Mike sat at the courthouse telling me he wanted me back.   The judge asked me I the agreement was fair.  It is NOT.  Mike gave me everything that he hadn't looted.  The judge didn't like the fact I waived alimony.  I have up to two years to file a claim if I so choose. We were divorced.  The moment I got home, Mike told me that his sports car needed a new engine and that he was going to have it junked.  He needed a car to get to work.  You know, I shouldn't care.  I should have boundaries.  I gave him my mini-van so he wouldn't lose his job.  I spent the weekend looking for a car.  According to the divorce agreement, I get an IRA that was worth $32K the day we filed.  He's been raiding that to fix his car and for living expenses.  I can't get mad.  I went to the bank an...

Today I am thankful for the crazy experiences that I have with my enchanted items.   In 2007, I was given a box of creepy things left behind by a deceased Irish witch.  She willed a box of jewelry and three scary looking dolls to her niece.  It creeped the young lady out and she gave everything to me.  The old woman left detailed notes on the objects.  One was said to be a djinn in a 1920's era marcasite necklace.  I tried to connect with it and it promptly broke. Another object in the box is a gold ring.  It was said to contain a fairy.  Her name is Merida.  I had a dream of her today but will give the back story before telling you of the dream.  I'm not saying she is real but she is an entity that is real to my subconscious mind. ***** I went to a mediator today who told me that my separation agreement was illegal.  She warned me to continue the divorce by asking for a new hearing date or risk ...

Today I am thankful that I have a place to document my crazy life.   Okay....I have the flu, so please bear with me.  I left you hanging when I expressed concerns about my relationship with Steve and suggested breaking things off. I'm exhausted, so you get the short and sweet version.  I've been having nightmares that my kids are going to get murdered.  I've been running to the shrink twice a week to discuss why I'm freaking out.  Long story short, my ex is being incredibly, scary, and freakishly 'nice.'  I catch him staring off into space quite frequently.  The last time he did that, the stalking picked up, and 90% of our retirement accounts went missing. I am terrified but I cannot express exactly why.  Earlier this week, Steve went to the hospital.  I do not have the heart to break up with a guy when he is violently ill.  Either Steve is good at gas-lighting or he wrote me a series of nonsensical em...