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The Bay Leaves Stopped Working

 



Today I am thankful that I've gotten some sleep.  

I'm just not happy about the content of my dreams.  

Perhaps my subconscious mind is insane. 

Or it could be perverted. 

It's probably just telling me to find a boyfriend. 

So - 

The witches of old believed that if you put five bay leaves under your pillow you'll dream of your next lover.  Well I heard this from an elderly relative, back then, it was more you'll dream of your future spouse.  

Either way - you'd dream of a future intimate. 

I'm asexual. 

So, I put five bay leaves under my pillow and emerged the next morning smelling like stew and excited that I had absolutely NO DREAMS! 

I was very happy! 

That means I'll be FREE for the rest of my life! 

I did this every night until I ran out of bay leaves. 

I bought a bay laurel tree the other day (found one at a local nursery). 

They smell very good. 

The tree sits on my nightstand. 

Well - 

Either the bay leaves are defective or .....

(I can't even type it.) 

Sigh....

Long story short. 

I dreamt of a guy. 

It's a guy I have actually met. 

We were once very close, too. 

It's a guy I've struggled with nightmares about for over thirty years. 

At least this time, he's not ill 

or drunk 

or dying 

or losing limbs

or getting bitten by angry wolves 

or flattened by a semi 

or bleeding after being ambushed by Cupid with a bunch of golden arrows 

or whatever the nightmare of the week might be. 

Some of the nightmares are so bad, I'd wake up screaming "Oh no! [Name]"

After it went on for awhile, I started to pretend to sing a song with name in it. 

No one bought that I was dreaming about being Getty Lee. 

So - 

I decided to give up dating unless I can find a guy with that name. 

All the guys I know with that name are politicians. 

I'm not into politicians. 

So - 

I decided to focus on my work. 

The dreams don't stop. 

*****

Well, they stopped for awhile when I started sleeping with bay leaves which are kinda itchy and not really a lot of fun when they migrate from under your pillow. 

Last night - 

It was a nightmare for me. 

Basically it was someone trying to engage in an act of physical intimacy in a vehicle and I say 

"Why in the heck would you want to do that?" 

The dream gets worse before I wake up. 

Usually, in the dreams, I run off like a wild banshee. 

In this one, I didn't. 

Weird. 

So - 

I toyed with the idea of buying a bass to name after this guy and pretend that I dreamt up a new bassline with the bass. 

I initially decided against that because I only name my basses after respectable assholes (assholes I respect on some basic level).  This guy wasn't an asshole.  He just doesn't like me.  

So - 

I don't know. 

After the dream last night - I may have to just buy a bass and name it after him. 

I'd just be embarrassed at the kind of basslines those dreams would inspire. 

Man - 

I'd look for a boyfriend to fix my nocturnal world - but- I only find them when I'm not looking. 

Besides, 

I've fixed my life up so that I only meet guys at the gas station or when my car is immobile on the side of a highway. 

Maybe I'm just not busy enough. 

Or maybe it's almost Mercury Retrograde.  I always dream of him during Mercury Retrograde. 

Ugh....

I may just get a male cat and if anyone hears me screaming out that name in the middle of the night, I'll tell them I dreamt about the cat. 

Maybe that'll work. 

I don't know about me. 

You? 

I hope all your dreams are sweet and that you save the bay leaves for your soup. 

Love ya lots, 

S. 

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