Lit Up Phone (with edit)

 

A good friend will never be the downfall of a friend.....ever.  

I'd rather pretend to be gay, 
Or admit to being asexual

(which you don't tell men because they're convinced that they can change that). 

Or hide my head in the sand. 
I will NEVER condemn a man to hell.  

Today I am thankful that my phone is muted. 

I'm home 

in quarantine 

and trying to complete counseling licensure paperwork for the State of Colorado. 

The bureaucracy is insane. 

It was easier to get my name on the ballot. 

I've spent the past five hours hunting down an emailed certificate of completion for a course I completed three weeks ago. 

My webmail host must've eaten it. 

Sigh..... 

*****
I'm still feeling rough. 

Tomorrow I find out if this is Covid, 

or a cold. 

This is nuts. 

My liberal friends think I'm dying. 

My conservative friends think I'm a sissy. 

I'm just trying not to freak out my boss and the pregnant patients. 

Covid won't kill me. 

It could harm them. 

So - 

I'm going to wait for the test results. 

*****

One of the calls was very interesting. 

By the time I checked my phone it was too late to call the person back. 

Even if I did, I don't know what to say right now. 

There is a man from my past who was a pal for nearly forty years. 

He's an Irishman. 

We grew up as neighbors. 

He has always had a crush on me. 

I thought he was too young for me. 

Besides, when you know someone a tad bit too long - 

you've seen him pee on electric fences and freak out because you thought you'd have to run home to call 911, 

get chased by angry cows, 

beat up the town bully, 

ogle all the girls around you, 

and is just so darn familiar that you feel like one of the boys, 

it's a little hard to feel anything other than platonic love for him. 

He's probably made model U.S.S. Enterprises with me, 

seen me eat paste, 

and heard my squeaky clarinet more than anyone else in the world. 

I possibly still have his recorder from back in the day (as we traded stuff for marbles and matchbox cars). 

I never so much as held his hand (well, maybe once when I had to grab him away from a farmer who was getting aggressive - probably over the angry cow thing). 

We never kissed.  He saw me without make-up all the time! 

With him, I never even tried to be pretty or glamorous.  I just wanted to be fun.  

We were kids! 

He feels like family. 

Sometimes his calls are difficult to take.  

He has recently told me that he was jealous of the men I chose to be with. 

I don't know why he said that.  

He is married (unless he just filed papers or something). 

There are drunken Valentine's Day calls.  If I answer, I force him to tell his beautiful wife all of those things he tries to tell me. 

I can hear her beautiful voice laughing in the background. 

The past two years, I've worked graveyards on Valentine's Day so I miss those 2:00 a.m. calls. 

There was one in the wee hours of the morning. 

The message just came in after I fell asleep.  I was so sick, I muted my phone. 

I'll turn it on to see if he's okay. 

Lately, he calls and asks for prayers.  I pray with him until he falls asleep. 

He promises me that he and his wife will visit. 

I've never met her. 

Messing around with married men is not my style.  If I love this man, my only course of action is to do my best to help him save his relationship.  Life is cheaper that way. 

He tells me he's happy with her.  If so, why does he call me and say the things he says? 

Something about the message this morning scares the heck out of me. 

I'm terrified. 

******

So, 

after several months of nearly nightly nightmares about a different guy from my past (just not quite forty years back), 

a firm decision to run off from any dark haired man from my past, 

and a bedroom that smells like bay leaves, 

I've stopped trusting my intuition. 

Yeah, there is a strong connection to someone I used to be very close with. 

It just wasn't who I thought it was. 

I bought the birthday present for the wrong guy. 

I'll get this person something different.  I've got three and a half weeks to get it out to his family. 

Maybe he needs a Bible? 

Or maybe a gift certificate to take the Mrs. to a romantic venue.  Are things open? 

I don't know. 

*****

I guess I'd better unmute my phone and charge it. 

Maybe I'll clean my spare bedroom. 

He's not allowed at my home without his wife. 

Why me? 

The most awkward calls are the ones where he calls me in the wee hours of the morning to declare his undying love to me and I make him fetch his wife because those words belong to her. 

Damn it. 

I'd say I need a boyfriend to put a stop to it but I think he did this when I was married, too. 

Ugh - 

I guess I'll call a relationship coach and ask for advice. 

A good friend does not mess around with a friend's marriage. 

*****

I used to think my spirit animal was a squirrel given my ADHD. 

Now, I'm realizing that it must be an ostrich 

as I'm always sticking my head in the sand when it comes to uncomfortable situations. 

May you be braver than I. 

Love ya, 

S. 

Edit 03/01/2021

So - now I'm getting the same text message from this person's number. 

It's simply - 

'Can we talk?' 

I always get it at work. 

He never responds back when I write "I'm at work but will be free at [time]" nor does he call. 

I'm thinking that my old friend is not the person behind the messages.  I'm thinking it's his wife. 

He'd respond. 

If he can't get me on the phone, he'd run to Facebook and post on my wall.  He'd probably post a picture of one of the cats he rescues on the side of the Nebraska highway to get my attention. 

Oh, he grew up to be a fireman.  Women aren't a problem for firemen.  When he fights a particularly bad fire, he'll call and make sure I've gotten good fire alarms. 

Which I did. 

Then he called to make sure I had good fire extinguishers (not so much) 

and a fire towel. 

He's the reason my fire extinguishers are hooked into the electrical system so the batteries are constantly charged. 

This guy isn't shy. 

I just don't like it when he calls me drunk to tell me stuff he ought to tell his Mrs. 

He's married (at least as far as I know) 

He's not the person texting me now.    

Part of me wonders if his Mrs. needs him to tell her he loves her. 

When he does that drunk calling thing, I always have him get his wife in the room and repeat all those "I love you's", "I've loved you since the day I met you" and "You're beautifuls" to her. 

She always laughs.  She has a big, booming, hearty laugh. 

Maybe I need to send a date night gift certificate out there now? 

Maybe not - it could just be him and the cats now.  

Sigh - 

Looks like I'll need a bigger altar to Aphrodite.

It's not enough to pray that all my male friends get married.  I guess I got to keep lighting those little white candles so they stay happy.

My house is going to look like an inferno. 

Good thing he talked me into investing in all that fire protection stuff. 

Hugs, 

S.