Warped Gratitude Blog

Today I am thankful for feeling sick to the point of numbness.  How to kill a Covid patient:    Bring his children into the hospital room.... (at least they showed a small bit of mercy by allowing visitors) Start a morphine drip.... and then decrease the oxygen flow until it flows no more.  This will happen to my uncle in twenty minutes.  They will start the procedure three minutes after his daughters arrive.  Do I dare tell my relatives that pneumothorax is treatable?  Of course not, knowing my uncle, he would have Googled it.   Besides, after talking to him in the cemetery on the day he buried Judy, I know that he did not want to live in a world without her.  This sounds more peaceful than driving his RV off of a cliff as he hinted to me that day. .  Just so everyone knows, when one is 78, this condition has a 42% survival rate.  The younger one is, the higher the survival rate.  That is better than 0%.  Damn.....

  Today I am so far down that I am thankful that eventually I can go back up.  The past few days were good.  Some of the young patients finally saw me without my mask -  We were eating Thanksgiving dinner.  A couple of them remarked that I was beautiful.  I found myself uttering aloud my belief that the beauty they see is the joy emanating out me of due to the wonderful people in my presence.  They asked my age.  I told the truth.  So many women fear aging and I figure if they can see that 50 doesn't mean decrepitude, maybe they won't grow to fear it. Now that my liver tumor is gone, I'm healthy.  No one believes I'm 51.....  Love softens our faces, makes us smile, brightens our eyes and makes us more attractive.  If any group of young people need love, it is young pregnant women recovering from addiction.  They teach me quite a bit about love and loss.  They show me the difficulty of doing the right thing.  They...

  Today I am thankful that the energy has shifted.  I finally had a night without nightmares, worry, freaky dreams or visions about a person from my past.  There were dreams of deep conversations with other men I've know for years - but nothing sexy, dirty or creepy.  These are the kind of dreams I'd be comfortable talking about within earshot of their wives and girlfriends. They were about wins these guys will probably have.  After four months I'm finally free.  I'm finally me.   All in all - I think all this has done is bolstered my true faith in the divine.  Perhaps I get the messages because I'll actually pray for the people they involve.  Perhaps that was the lesson.  I'll never know.  ***** I'm still not sure what to think about the dreams of the burned body in the mountains knowing that my colleague drove up to Summit county and self-immolated in his car amongst the trees.  Was it a coincidence or a premonition?...

  Today I am thankful that no one can guess what the R. in my former name stands for.  Shhhh.....It's Rumpelstiltskin.   Yeah....yeah....that's the ticket.  Thirty years ago, I left a creep who put me in the hospital and nearly killed me after bludgeoning  me with a hammer while bitching about his anger at his mother.  Maybe I should explain his complaint... I was raised by a woman who believed that the only value a woman had was her beauty and her sexuality.  My mother was popular with men.  She looked identical to me (except she retained her brown eyes throughout her life and her bra size was 32GG).  My sister and I were taught that men wanted ladies in public and Rick James' type of freaky girls in private.    Funny thing, I was told that no guy would want me because I was the ugly ducking.  My mom wanted me to hit the books and to aspire for a doctorate.  This is what I did.  Mom must not have liked how she l...

 Today I am thankful for love.  I'm still having dreams of someone I should not think about.  Now, they're getting funny.  Yesterday the dream was a black and white stick-figure cartoon.   In this dream, cartoon Siegfred was running from the right field of vision to the left.  Followed by a tall, male cartoon stick figure  and a chunky woman, out of breath, trailing behind.  I wonder what my subconscious mind is cooking up now?  At least no one died  and the star of my nightmares is getting some exercise.  (It's more like I'm a nerd who owes a Wookie life debt).  This morning the dream was a little bit hilarious and funny.  It was a cartoon but it was in color.  In it I see a male figure riding a red mountain bike on a cartoon copy of a map of Colorado trails.     I used to have a red mountain bike - someone stole it!  I've been meaning to replace it.  He's riding around and little thought bub...

  Today I am thankful that I can actually feel something other than sadness...if even for a moment.  I'm still having nightmares of a dead body burned in a fire up in the mountains.  I've had this dream for over a month (since Oct. 5th)  A couple of days ago, I learned a dear colleague who had been missing for three weeks had driven his car up into the mountains and set himself on fire inside of his vehicle .  He possibly did this out of guilt for killing someone in a hit and run.  He was a very kind, empathic nurse. It's hard to imagine him not stopping and letting his victim die in the street**.  This is the worst end I could imagine for anyone - let alone him.  It's hard to go to work.   I had to hold back tears when I saw a picture of this man's car on a friend's phone.   I cry on the drive home.   It will eventually pass.  There are daily prayers for his soul and his family.   I am grateful that it...

 Today I am thankful that Denver voters have repealed the pit bull ban.  I'm not happy about the tax (aka needing to pay for a special permit) to keep a pit bull.  At least the city won't be killing dogs based upon their breed.  You can read about it here:  https://www.9news.com/article/news/politics/elections/denver-pit-bull-ban/73-27366bd6-9a9e-41fb-8d43-94357854dc0a?fbclid=IwAR2OSj28z8-nlrgopfSWDEmKeAS4KWI5DcsBLMpn_h7T9Jy4FIFud-9N5_Q Love ya,  S. 

  I honestly have no clue what I am thankful for today.  My uncle was admitted into the ICU today, possibly with Covid.  He was militant about disinfecting, mask wearing, hand washing and staying six feet away from other people.  I tried to warn everyone, it is stress that hampers immunity.  We can follow the CDC guidelines but we also have to care for our immune system be eating right, getting sleep and relaxation.  People don't seem to believe that.  He lost his wife in August, which is possibly the most stressful situation that one can face.  His immune system was hampered.  I really don't want to lose another relative in less than eight months.  Three people I know have died since I last wrote.  Two were colleagues.  One of whom helped me get a job to get me away from the stalking.  I never asked how he died.  It was implied that it was Covid.  He helped build my confidence and helped me get the job I have no...

  Today I am thankful for the realization that people just want to have fun.  That's all I want to do...enjoy life.  I think I only went on one date in my entire life.  It was with a cop.  I was bored so I asked to break the law by ringing the liberty bell on the capital lawn.  He left.  Bummer.....(not really....)  There was a political meeting that turned into a date in 2011.  That was an unexpected disaster.  I don't believe in dating.  People will argue that point with me.  I tend to "hang out" with people I meet in political, musical or educational settings.  By the time we hang out, we've worked together for weeks (usually years).   I was far too old when I realized that guys who want to hang out with you are interested in you.   It took a hypnosis mentor and several guys I used to hang out with to explain it to me in a Facebook intervention.  **** I spent several years avoiding men beca...

Today I'm thankful that I have learned an unexpected  lesson in the nightmares of a man from my past.  So.... Long story short.... I dream of an old friend from high school too much.  I've never admitted that he was my first love - as I give that title to my old T-40 (bass not the tank) - but, in essence, despite my denial over it, one could say he was my first love.  The dreams are typically nightmares in which he is either dying or wounded.  In the dreams, I am helpless to do anything.  (Yeah -there's possibly some repressed guilt there, huh?)  This has gone on over 33 years.  The biggest problem is that I talk in my sleep.  It's not so much talking - but screaming out "OH NO!  [GUY'S NAME]" IN HORROR!  When the dreams go on too much, I'm told that I scream out "Oh no!  NOT AGAIN [NAME]"  This has been hilarious when I've fallen asleep at parties that tend to go on for days. This hasn't been so funny when it has happened...

  Today I am thankful for discernment.  First it was a man-mutated bat virus.  Then it was killer spiders.  Now, it is a killer asteroid with a sacrilegious moniker.  Watching the news is starting to give me a headache.  https://www.foxnews.com/science/god-of-chaos-asteroid-speeding-up Why in the world is the media instigating fear?   Please be mindful of where you direct your attention.  We get what we focus on.   Love ya,  S.  I found some Howard Jones sheet music while browsing Ebay.  I put a bid on it.  We'll see.  I'm too busy to check my phone.  I didn't even know it existed.  Maybe this will help me move the creepy nightmares out of my head.  The probability is near 0 that I'll get my synth back from the adult kiddo living in the basement.  I just bought her an acoustic guitar, so maybe I'll get lucky.  ((( hugs )))  NEXT DAY EDIT:  Originally, I joked about buying a...

  I think I'm busy singing this to the Divine.  Today I am thankful that I'm getting back to being me.   I had the past five days off.  I think the drugs are out of my system.  I'm feeling a lot better.   The dreams are still there.  I have the dreams every night but do not remember too many details about them now.  They're probably just a sign and a signal to continue to pray.  When the prayers are answered the dreams will stop.  It's okay to love. Even as it is unrequited, it may be able to help me find a lesson and/or create art.  Outside of prayer, there really isn't anything else I can do.  I ordered a personalized gift to keep in my car just in case I run into him.  I may make a handmade card (if I can find the materials just in case) because the stuff at Hallmark is just too damn sweet, suggestive and emotional.  If he lucks into never seeing me, I can donate it to Goodwill or something.  ***** T...

  Today I am thankful I figured out why I was hallucinating and having nightmares.  It's the prescriptions.  Damn it.... I have four days to go until the Adderall leaves my system completely. That is if I continue to avoid tapering myself.   The only problem is that I'm tired -but- at least I haven't fallen down.  It's weird to think that the anti-anxiety meds were actually giving me anxiety!!  Wow -  Of all people, I should have figured this out sooner before my dream life became a horror show!  On the bright side, I can donate a ton of ugly clothes now.  That quick weight loss wasn't worth the freaky dreams.  I look like a balloon someone popped with a pin.  We're not built to lose 20 pounds in less than a month.   So -  I still have dreams that bother me -  but I haven't seen any death or destruction.  It's better.  Whew!  It makes me wonder if they put me on amphetamines when I had grotesq...

  Today I am thankful for education.  Sometimes I'm just too dorky to utilize it.  Over the past month or so, I have been sick.  I've been fainting A LOT!  I've been dizzy.  I've also lost an inexplicable amount of weight.   I met with my doctor today who expressed concerns that I lost three more pounds over the past two days.  Both of us were stumped.  I had a difficult time standing.  He asked if I felt alright.  I shook my head, 'yes', because I've felt like this for about a month.  It's probably anemia.  After that dream of someone I know being charred in a fire, I am having trouble eating much of anything, especially meat.  Since I have a propensity for being an ungraceful klutz, I am bruised all over.  My boss let me have a couple of days off because it's obvious I'm sick.  ***** After visiting with the doctor today, I drove to the county building to answer the interrogatories from my ex-husband....

  Today I am thankful for options.  Either people are stupid or the election process is rigged.  I cannot fathom how Colorado could call a win for Biden within an hour of the polls closing.  I can't stand Trump and I remember Biden as a racist.  Either way, the people of this country are getting a shit sandwich shoved down our throats.  Right not, my joke about moving to Alaska could actually become a thing to consider.  Voters granted themselves an 18% residential property tax hike by defeating the Gallagher amendment last night.  I doubt I'll see any reductions in the rent of the office space I cannot use due to Covid and the order to socially distance.  Gallagher offset residential property taxes for homeowners by having business owners pay a higher rate.  Correction 11/18/20: property taxes are going up 164%!!!  Wow.... Yeah, I'm thinking about subletting to someone who can use it the hours my colleague isn't there.   ...

  Today I am thankful for faith.   Today was an interesting day.  I managed to visit all of the graveyards.   I still have an extra bouquet of flowers as I couldn't find my cousin's grave.  Justin was a political activist who died in his early thirties of skin cancer. He left behind three children (one of whom was adopted - just like he was).  I did a lot of praying today.  I prayed for a few newly departed people, asking that anything keeping them in limbo be forgiven and that they'd be freed.  I asked people to watch over those they left behind. I thanked others for being kind souls while they were on this plane of existence.  ***** On the drive home, I thought about vows.  I made a vow as a kid to always be a friend to someone and love that person unconditionally.  It made me cry.  I didn't do a good job being a friend.  I'm hoping that the prayers help on some level.  ***** I wound up going to a grocery store...