Warped Gratitude Blog

Today I am thankful for confusion but thankful that I can identify it. I am also thankful for the lawyer who offered to help me for free this morning.  I declined.  It took the lawyer more than a month to call me.  In that time, I found a solution that will save my ex $5,000 in taxes.  The money was put in an IRA.  He was supposed to take it out and give me cash.  I'm going to get an IRA in my name, so he can put the money in my account and save himself the tax bill. He jumped on the opportunity.  I guess it is a win-win.  I'll have the money put in my name within 90 days. He will also sign a modified agreement stating that he will pay back the $14,000 he took so that I can file it with the court.  If the judge agrees, that whole mess will be over. No lawyer....no contempt charges...he's happy. I also gave him something, too.  My ex-husband is going to have bariatric surgery in September.  I said he could stay here to recover.  My thinking is that once he

Today I am thankful for my crazy subconscious mind. My brain is insane. Literally....quite insane. I did a ritual to Aphrodite last night.  It's Tuesday.  I usually honor her love, Ares, on Tuesday.  Today I thought that honoring her would also honor Ares. I became incredibly tired. I lay down on the floor in front of my altar. I opened my eyes. I saw a blue fairy.  Yep.....I had a little tiny hallucination.  Maybe it was a lucid dream.  I'm not sure. I do know what I am taking from it. That dream was a conversation. In that conversation, it was revealed that I am incredibly pissed off at a couple of men in my life. I am incredibly angry at men who think they can disrespect me. I am incredibly tired of the game playing, the accusations, the bullshit. In fact, it's making me negative. It's making me feel moody. I don't have time or space for that in my life. So.... I don't

Today I am thankful for professionals.   I met a cosmetic surgeon who promises that he can fix my issue for less than $3,000.  I think I'll get a second opinion.  That does seem pretty darn promising. I've got to tell you.  This is motivation to work.  I easily make $150 per hour.  I can get over my fear of being naked for just 20 hours of work!!  Oh man....I'm going to start my advertising campaign today!!!  Vanity will make me go places I previously feared to tread.  Maybe he can make me so unrecognizable that my ex's family won't know who I am!!  Ooohh.....what do I want to look like? Sadly...I want to look like me with fewer flaws.  That's okay.  Maybe if I change my hair color, weight, my mannerisms, and my manner of dress, they wouldn't know who I was in order to harass me in public. So, I need to manifest $3,000 for a legal retainer and $3,000 for cosmetic work.  Or I can hire the lawyer and ask for the settlement so I can pay the doctor

Today I am thankful for ambivalence. The opposite of love is not hate: The opposite of love is ambivalence. I think I'm going to fire the shrink I saw over the past three weeks.  The reason? Countertransference.... I think he identifies with my ex-husband.  He keeps talking about how I need to make it clear that our relationship is over.  He wants me to barricade my living space to keep my ex out of it. That seems extreme.  Barricading my living space could keep me from leaving it, too. The therapist also said that no one believed me when I spoke about the stalking.  I know that is not true.  Many people have been around during incidents.  Some people pointed it out to me.  I know this is real.  I believe that this therapist doesn't believe me.  Then the therapist told me that I was stringing my ex-husband along.  I don't know how I'm doing that.  Every Saturday, I ask Michael what he wants and how he wants the separation to go.  Every Saturday

Today I am thankful for relationship breaks. A relationship break means I am single. Steve said something that scared me.  He's said similar things several times before.  I spoke to my therapist about it and he thought it was a sign of a personality disorder. I don't believe that shrink.  I'm thinking about firing the shrink.  He doesn't seem very well educated.  The only thing I agree with is that what was said points to a delusion.  That delusion could make me unsafe someday.  This therapist, though, hasn't really been very kind.  I am not sure I take him as an authority.  He said that no one believed me about the stalking.  That's not true.  I was having coffee with a psychiatrist buddy of mine during a four hour stalking fest.  The psychiatrist believes me.  Shannon and her boyfriend Doug harassed my landlord (she's a psychologist who specializes in NPD).  This psychologist believes me.  People who have seen it believe me and urge me to take

Today I am thankful for men who behave badly.   I realize that men act like horny, judgmental jerks because they want to get rid of  women!  Oh.... so when I wanted to talk about it and he was too tired, I did him a solid.  I ended things.  ***** I'm off to do a ritual to Isis so he gets his true love. I don't see myself having sex with this guy.   I think I'm too anxious around him to be me.  I don't know what I can do that won't wind up on Facebook, or told to his boss, or his mother.  It was hard to be free enough to be me.  He sent me abusive emails.  That made it hard to trust him.  With each abusive threat, with each abusive name, with each abusive game, the trust diminished more and more. There is something off about this relationship and I can't put my finger on it.  As far as sex, I really don't see myself able to do that now.  I think he'd just use me and then start an argument to make me uncomfortable so I'

Today I am thankful that I KNOW why I keep running away from the man I was seeing.   I don't trust him any more.    - I don't trust that he won't threaten me.  He does.  He plays games with me.  He threatens to report me to Facebook for innocent posts (even when I've blocked him).     This has caused me to stop posting to Facebook.  The lack of Facebook posting is harming my job search.    - I don't trust that I can take my time and enjoy intimacy without him either complaining about my technique or telling everyone he knows.   This has caused me to hold back. The over sharing about his feelings has already cost me at least one professional relationship.   He literally runs to Facebook with everything.  It's upsetting. Worse, his mother called me a Wiccan.  How does she know?  I'm not Wiccan.  I'm Pagan.  It's not the same thing!   - I  don't trust him not to pitch a fit if I don't spend every Friday night and Satu

Today I am thankful for my new found return to celibacy. I have decided that I am too anxious for a sexual relationship.  I don't know how to talk about it.  I just know that I am unaccustomed to feeling pushed around. I get anxious when I think about a relationship.  I break out in a cold sweat.  I want to run away. At first I thought it was because my ex won't leave. Now it happens with Steve. I'm thinking that there is definitely something wrong with me. ***** To be honest, I really do feel a bit like a booty call. I am having a hard time getting fun and flirty due to an incident a few months ago .  I wanted to give a certain special someone fellatio.  I couldn't get the rhythm right.  I couldn't get the pressure right.  Some guys don't like the backing off bit that is intended to make everything super strong in the end. I felt criticized. I decided to never be free with this person again. Do what I want means.... do what he wants me to

Today I am thankful for birthday parties. Okay.... My sister is having a birthday party for her youngest daughter tomorrow afternoon. She invited me.  She invited my family. Now, I have to concern myself with the definition of family.  Is my family the children and I? Is it my family, my love, and the children? Does the concept of family constitute my household?  Do I have to bring my ex-husband?  My sister hates my ex-husband.  I had been forbidden to visit with her children because she hated my husband so much.  My sister was delighted at our divorce.  She was more delighted learning that I was dating an Anarchist who believes that prostitution shouldn't be illegal. I think she wants to meet the Anarchist. Sigh..... As the holidays swiftly approach, this is going to be a common question. Do I bring my love?  Do I bring the ex? This is so damn weird. Maybe I should go alone. What is the formality one must follow in these situatio