Warped Gratitude Blog

Today I am thankful for laughter.   I can't laugh too much today, though.  I have been plagued by migraines for the past few days.  I think I hurt my neck.  It's a long story.  I don't know if the neck pains are psychosomatic.  Someone has been a pain in my neck.  I am imagining it as being real.  I think the neck pains are bringing on the migraines.  Let's see.....I'll share the fun stuff first.  I've been laughing pretty hard at some dinky record label who is mistaking my voice as one belonging to a male Mexican singer who bills himself as a romantic artist.  They have flagged over forty of my YouTube videos as rip offs of their client's songs. I'm a hypnotist who speaks in a monotone e-flat alto voice.  If this label is mistaking me for their client...the guy needs singing lessons.  If this dinky label removes one more of my videos, I'm going to go to my mailing list of over 160,000 people and pok...

Today I am sad but thankful. I am realizing that the stolen money, constant arguing, crying, raging and crazy crap is retaliation for my seeing Steve. I spent Friday night with Steve.  There was hell to pay yesterday. I have decided that until I can access what is left of the money I was awarded in the divorce or sneak around and earn enough to afford a lawyer to help me fix this mess, I have little choice but to be alone.  Even if I could bring contempt charges into the courtroom on my own, without a lawyer, I think it would be just like the divorce agreement....it would be ignored. I'm heartbroken.  I may have to back away from politics and work, too.  Those things just cause more drama. I am stuck.  I know no other action that I can take. I have to keep this guy happy until I can move out or get him to move out. Yes, it is narcissism that makes men ignore legal agreements.  They leave you destitute.  They d...

Today I am thankful for sleeping pills. I have been exhausted of late.  I am having a tough time sleeping.  I fall asleep around midnight.  I wake up around four and hallucinate that I am talking to djinn.  No, they do not grant wishes.  They give me advice. I think my subconscious mind thinks it is a genie. I am being told that the things I think are true are lies. I am being told that I am being manipulated by my ex-husband. ***** I spent the past six hours having an absolute stupid argument.  I wanted my ex-husband to tell me how and when he wanted the actual separation to take place. He wanted me to stop seeing Steve. So.....we went rounds. He wants to stay in this house until I find a good paying job.  I am afraid to look for a permanent job so long as he lives here due to the fact I'm being stalked by his sister. I haven't really spoken to his sister since 1999, so I don't know how she know...

Today I am thankful that I passed the temptation test. So...the universe sent to me a hot, Leo, Pagan, Libertarian, Bass Player who is also a political activist. Oh....did I tell you that he likes to hug.  Oh...did I tell you that he looks strikingly similar to my ex-boyfriend Thomas when he was in high school. I want to know where he found that elusive fountain of youth. Oh...did I tell you that he shares Steve's birthday? Hmmmmmm........ He's NOT what I want.  I can't exactly pinpoint why that is.  I went to a restaurant where his band was playing.  He ran up and gave me a big hug.  He watched me through the night.   I could see him point at me from the stage.  The lead singer would nod.  It was weird. I met a Lakota man and his Irish wife.  I met a woman who sold Pagan ritual clothing.  I met a man who made hypnotic posters.  It was fun.  At the end of the night, when my bass pla...

Today I am thankful for comedic moments. Okay..... This morning my ex-husband fell out of the back of a big rig.  He was auditing the contents of a semi-truck and fell out of it and onto solid concrete.  He caught himself with his wrist.  He shattered it.  He hasn't told anyone that he works with that we are divorced.  I got a telephone call this morning.  Okay....how did he get to the hospital? He drove himself.  He drove himself to the pharmacy for pain medication.  He drove himself back to the house.  He missed the smoozing lunch with the head honcho in Oregon.  Damn....I guess this knocks him out of the running for the promotion that would move him 500 miles away.  ***** In his drug induced state, he seems to say the darndest things.  He mumbled something about introducing his wee self to the alternate.   I didn't get it.  He ...

Today I am thankful that I realize what love is: It is NOT giving up on someone. I don't want to say exactly what is going on.  I don't want to have my therapist hat on today.  It is really hard not to do that given my training and life experience.  Someone I love is having paranoid delusions; my guess is that they are due to alcohol or depression. I tend to work with creative types (artists, musicians, entrepreneurs) and help them overcome mental blocks.  The bulk of my experience in health psychology tends towards motivation (weight loss and smoking cessation).  In the psych world, I get the easy jobs because my clients tend to be highly motivated for change.  I don't get court ordered people resistant to change.  I get people who want the best in life and are willing to pay for it. I don't deal with neuroses, personality disorders, and the really heavy stuff.  At most, I've taken maybe ten seminars on these things after get...

Today I am somewhat thankful for freedom.   I realize today that Steve and I have no choice but to go our separate ways.  I'm not what he wants.  That's why he can't look into my eyes.  That is why I get crazy emails.  That is why I got those emails in February where I was said to be uneducated, stupid, false, and fake.  That is why he lies about me on Facebook.  This is why he triangulates with the men on his page.  This is why he complains that he only wants to date Anarchists. I wonder if he knows that Relationship Anarchy often means polygamy and polygyny.  I hope he likes to share. I am NOT what he wants. This is an important realization. I had it around 5:00 this morning.  I didn't sleep much but am feeling more energized that I have in months.   Today was the first day that I woke up without tears.  He still was the first thought I had but it wasn't a painful one. I'll finish the post later...

Today I am thankful for emotional cleansing.  I've spent most of the past eight years crying alone at night.  I hate it.  I still cry when I am alone at night.  To this very day, I realize that the thing I want is someone I love to share my nights with.  He has to be someone who won't be trying to test me all the damn time.  Those tests cut into the rapport that I need to get into fuck mode.  I don't want to be a Facebook friend.  I don't want to answer long accusatory emails.  I want flirtatious evenings capped off by passionate kisses and hot fucking that leaves me tired enough to sleep.  I got tired of spending every waking moment trying to figure out how to answer crazy emails.  I realize now that the man I fell in love with wasn't ready to love me.  He hid behind intellectualism. He hid behind politics. He hid behind emotional attacks.  When we finally became close, he hid his e...

Today I am thankful that I am a hypnotist who detests head games. Last night, I invited Steve to call me for closure.  He did.  He called after the hockey game ended.  His team was playing the Redwings.  I hate to tell him that my ex has the basement is decked out in Redwings stuff.  My in-laws hail from Michigan.  I was a little upset about what I heard from him.  He likes to "kick the tires" to test the strength of his relationships.  He likes to grasp at straws and....oh, what did he call it.....ah...yes...."fishing." So he makes up assertions and throws those in my face in order to get to know me better.  Addressing those assertions proved exhausting. I don't like that.  Those are head games.  They upset me quite a bit.  They take time away from the getting to know each other naked, euphoric stuff that is supposed to happen during the early stages of a relationship.  I told him that wh...

I am thankful for people who have written about relationship anarchy. It is a concept I understand.  It is a relationship without rules.  This confuses me because the relationship Steve and I tried to build was formed with rules. They were not MY rules.  They were his rules put into place due to conflicts we had together. We are allowed to grow. We are allowed to be honest with each other. We agree not to be judgmental assholes.  He found that comical because one can't judge someone judgmental without violating the rule.  I do not understand how someone who does wants to build something based upon rules wants a relationship built on Anarchy.  It would seem to be more of a Libertarian relationship.  We have rules but have to agree to them. Hmmmmm...... This puts me in mind of my Native American step-father.  We met when I was five years old.  Every time I fell down, got hurt, was in a car crash, fell off my bike, ...

Today I am thankful for my Pagan friends . Today was a crazy day.  I learned that I took too many classes in college.  I need to take ten refresher courses and work 18 months under a clinical supervisor in order to get a license in addiction counseling. That was nice.  All those other drug and alcohol classes I took were unnecessary.   That's okay...that education is what makes me a darn good stop smoking hypnotist. I spent two hours cooped up in my car waiting for an emissions test.  I read an entire book about relationships and how lovers talk to each other. Apparently men who criticize their loved ones tended to be criticized harshly by their parents.  I knew that....but somehow.....reading that while sitting in a car that smelled like my former boyfriend made it hit home.  He thinks all the judgment is normal! By the way, the car passed the tests with flying colors, so now I have to earn the money for license ...

Today I am thankful that I am learning how to master the art of the crazy dance . Yeah....I am. The crazy dance is what one does with controlling people who want to take over our lives.  I'm realizing that the secret is to give them the illusion of control. So, that is what I am going to do. I'm going to play nice and give my ex-husband the illusion of control. He can post whatever he wants on my social media accounts.  I'll cook whatever he wants for dinner.  I'll still scrub the stains out of his clothes. I won't bitch if he doesn't follow through on the court orders. I get to sleep alone in my bed. He doesn't want sex or hugs. He wants me to be a mother to him. This isn't a bad thing.  At least, I think this is what he wants. I know he wants to be seen as the good guy. I know he doesn't want to leave me in a lurch. I know he doesn't want to have to pay me alimony and child support. I know he is trying to be kind and nic...

I guess today I can be thankful for my closure.   I'm not sleeping.  I am ruminating over an online conversation that I had with an INTP who dated three INFJs with little success.  I contacted him because Steve (an INTP) and I (an INFJ) were having trouble communicating.  I thought he could help.  I know...I know....Steve doesn't buy into labels and personality theory.  I'm a big fan of Jung, so I had to investigate.  Wow....in retrospect, I wish I would have heeded this man's warning.  I am sad now that I realize that he predicted how the relationship would go. If I would have not gotten involved with Steve, perhaps we wouldn't be in so much pain now.  Truth be told, I am a mystery.  Sometimes I feel like I am mystery to myself.  I'm always uncovering stuff I didn't know I could do....really....like seven years worth of celibacy.  I had no clue I'd come through that like a champ. Okay....back t...

T oday I am thankful for my conscience. I've been sick for a little over a month. I think it is due to stress. So, I decided to quit caring so much. I don't care if my ex hangs out here anymore. I don't care if he ignores the separation agreement. I don't care if he doesn't split the money as he was court ordered to do.  I don't care if he doesn't follow through.  I don't care.  My neighbor told me that my eldest threatened to "kick [my] ass" if her father moved out of the house.  The youngest cries at the thought.  I guess it's wonderful that they love their father so much.  I am disgusted with my neighbor for broaching the topic with my daughter but he wanted to know why I haven't, as he put it, " kicked my ex-husband to the curb ." He's the father of my daughters.  They need each other.  Until he can see that his life is not going to consist of a dreary, empty apartment, he should be allowed to st...