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Unanswered Prayers

 
 
Today I am thankful for unanswered prayers. 

I prayed to the great Aphrodite and asked her to help me find the love of my life while curing any crush I have on any man who would not be a good fit for me. 

She answered half of my prayer.  

My crush dressed up like me today. 

He wore my hair better than I ever could. 

I have to say I'm cured. 

I'm bone dry. 

I'm about to cry.

But on the bright side  

At least I'll sleep better now knowing there are no lustful pangs in the middle of the night. 

I mean beauty sleep is important at my age. 

I'll be getting a lot more of that now. 

Sigh....

Help....

I'm a little disappointed but I'm sure this was good for me on some sick and twisted level. 

My estranged spouse and I got into our first fight back in the early 90's because he claimed my high school sweetheart wore ball gowns at the prom.  We never went to the prom.  My old friend is Scottish.  It wasn't a ball gown: it was an arse kicking outfit.  He wore it and stepped over me as I sat on a sidewalk the day after we broke up.  I think he was trying to make me miss him.  Maybe I was supposed to reach up his kilt and squeeze.  I really was far too young to know about the blue ribbon thing. 

I have also learned that one should never marry anyone who knows people you went to school with.  It fuels a heck of a lot of fights and jealous rages. 

This was the first time a guy in drag made me ill.  It is Halloween.  It is okay to dress up.  I don't know what my problem is.  Perhaps this guy is too much of a mirror for me.  Every conversation with him makes me go run to a shrink because he helps me see how screwed up I am. 

Hmmmm........I'll have to ponder that a little more. 

Still, with the prayer thing, Aphrodite never fails. 

She never fails....I once prayed to live my life tighter than a chinese finger trap.  My ex still can't stand up straight around me.  He made it a point to tell me that today when he grabbed the kids to take them b-day shopping.  I was wearing an old outfit that I had since 1983.  It was boring and the most unsexy thing on the planet and he had to get all stiff about it. 

Yuck...

Oooh....with as sick as men are making me, I'm surprised that I'm not skinnier

Sigh....

I'll let you know if I find a hottie to snuggle....someday. 

Maybe when I move out, it'll be to a place where I can have a puppy. 

Love ya,

S. 

About blue ribbons:


Edit 1:24 a.m. 10/21/12

I can't sleep. 

I know WHY seeing him wearing a wig resembling my hair color turned me off. 

I hate my hair. 

I have naturally dark auburn hair.  It looks burgandy in the sun.  I despise it.  If I dye it brown, it turns red.  If I bleach it blonde, it turns orange.  I've been fighting this battle since I was seventeen.  I give up. 

I hate my hair. 

It's weird.  I never really thought about how I looked until tonight.  As I dressed myself for bed, I realized that I think I'm hideous. 

My mom died when I was fourteen.  She died on her thiry-sixth birthday from a domestic assault.  For years, I could look in the mirror and see her red hair.  I could see her ruddy complexion.  I could see her hour-glass shape.  I could see her hazel eyes.  Looking in the mirror was comfort because I never saw myself: I saw my mother. 

I felt beautiful. 

I am now forty-three.  I look nothing like her anymore.  I don't know who I see. 

I feel lost. 

My distaste for my friend's costume has nothing to do with men in drag issues from my past.  It is because he chose a wig that resembles my head of hair.  At least I should be happy that there is one man in the world who allows me to feel safe enough to examine my faults and issues.  I guess that can't be a bad thing. 

Love ya,

S. 

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