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Epiphany ( w/ edit)


Today I am thankful for realizing what I want in a relationship - 

and what I can offer. 

I never really thought I had much to offer outside of a good time. 

I finally figured out what I can offer. 

What I value in relationships is to be the ability to be myself and pursue the things I want to pursue. 

The gift I can give with others is to let them be themselves and pursue the things they want to pursue. 

This is what was missing in ALL of my past relationships.  My previous partners would try to dissuade me from my pursuits and hobbies. 

*****
Still having dreams -thankfully- no one dies.  

They just watch.  

The dreams are getting me to ponder my faults and the things that went wrong way back when. 

It's to the point where I realize that over analysis is a fault in and of itself. 

Everything has been analyzed to death. 

You know what? 

I'm tired of dreaming about the same ol' people and things. 

Maybe a new boyfriend will help give me new mental material for dreamtime? 

Where do I go for that? 

Where have there been the most fireworks? 

I've met hot interested guys at swimming pools.  I guess those guys are fun because they've seen me with my faults glaring in the sun and still like me.  That's an option.  

I've met other guys during concerts.  I typically wind up getting called by the bass players or the drummers.  Are people playing now in Covid-land? 

There are the guys I meet at gun rallies.  They tend to be Christian, though.  These guys tend to find me on ALL of my social networks....it's a little over the top.  

I'd love to meet another obnoxious rabble-rouser.  I've only met one guy as obnoxious as me but he takes it out on homeless people.  If we got together, I would probably strip him naked and tie him up to leave him as bait for the vultures or the homeless people he victimizes.  A decade ago I thought he was cute but now, I just fantasize about seeing him in an orange jumpsuit behind bars. 

There have been several men hitting on me in grocery stores.  I kinda regret turning down that fireman out in my hometown.  It was my birthday.  He approached me in the bottled water aisle, stammered and said "you're beautiful." 

There is just something about firemen that makes women swoon.  

I wasn't ready.  I just thanked him and ran off.  

There are a couple of guys I've avoided since I started having nightmares last summer.  They still reach out.  Maybe I'll start....being....more available.  

So - maybe I'll just open my mind up to the possibilities.  Things always happen when we least expect it. 

Perhaps the goal, this time, is to not run off like a wild banshee. 

May you easily find what you're looking for, 

S. 



Next morning edit: 


So I had the ice dream again. 

This is the one where the blast from the past is behind a huge wall of thick ice and writing messages to me. 

This time it was (in really pretty cursive) 

Thank you. 

Then it was erased and replaced with 

NEXT!  

which was wiped away and written in its place was a grand and bold

FUCK YOU! 

Sigh....

This is the point in which I awaken.  

At least I woke up laughing

and no one died or was injured. 

Hugs, 

S. 














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