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Broken Siegfred (w/edit)

 Today I am thankful for HP. 

Not, Hewlett Packard....

My HP laptop is dying.  No, I've never had time to run to Microcenter to get a new one.  

When I say HP, I mean my higher power. 

I can't sleep. 

The dreams won't stop.  

I wound up going to the office at 2:00 a.m. to return some keys someone might use tomorrow. 

I have a class at 8:00 a.m. 

Some stupid woman has lost her marbles. 

Yep, I'm talking about myself. 


****

I awoke this morning with very bright light green eyes.  They've NEVER been that light before. 

Weird....they're kinda neon-ish. 

It's almost as if I exposed myself to a bunch of radiation. 

No, that's not possible. 

Sadly, I'm not a superhero. 

Those comics lied to us nerds - lol! 

I feel broken. 

I'm operating on about 4 hours of sleep over the past 72 hours. 

Something is off besides my mind.. 

On the long drive to the office, I prayed. 

What in the world am I supposed to do about the dreams? 

Seriously, there has to be a flippin' reason why this is happening.  

This is getting stupid. 

Maybe there's something that I can do to make 'em stop. 

It's like I'm mourning the loss of my sleep and stuck in the bargaining stage. 

This song kicks on: 





Not sure what it means. 

I'm still a little shocked that this guy has still got me on my knees** after all of these decades. 

Hate to say it - this isn't as much fun. 

If I can't fall asleep this morning, I'll probably be pondering the music. 

If there's an answer, I'll share it. 

Love ya, 

S. 

**For the pervs - um.....I meant on my knees as in prayer.  

Next Day Edit: 

So, in the wee hours of the morning, I had this thought about letting go without expectation. 

This is what the prayers are for.  

Letting go - giving any worry up to the Divine without knowing any outcome. 

Even though I had three hours of sleep this morning, 

and am hyped up on caffeine, 

Something beautiful and strange happened today. 

I had a charity call me up asking for the football cards my ex left in the garage. 

They found a buyer.  They came to pick everything up (which explains the dream of the political activist in my house.  Yes, it is a member of the Libertarian party that created a 501(c)3 geared towards helping the homeless.  It wasn't creepy at all.

The plan is to use the funds to rent and clean port-a-potties for the homeless. 

This charity often pays for things like vehicle titles and insurance for people living in their cars.  They have also helped people get dental and medical care. 

Since my ex claimed to be homeless to get out of child support, I figured that this is the perfect way to gift them.  I asked the person to pray for the ex that owned the card collection.  

I have another charity interested in my kiddos' old Wii gaming system.  Apparently they are in huge demand and hard to find. 

Let's see if I can pry it out of their hands for the charity. 

The lesson is possibly in just letting everything go.  Letting go of worries, guilt, shame and so on. 

Love it! 

How do I get rid of nightmares outside of forgetting to sleep? 

Still trying to figure that one out.  

I could do without the nightmares - but letting go of random crap that I'll never use is a good thing. 

Then again, I realize that wanting the nightmares to stop is still a form of an expectation. 

Perhaps, that desire for the dreams to go away is the expectation I should let go of. 

Hugs, 

S. 

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