I think it comes from all that stalking and their father having rage attacks when things didn't go as he expected them to do.
Rage and crazy expectations are narcissist things. Narcissists have to have control. If things don't go their way, they flippin' explode.
The kids refuse to celebrate.
I can't put up the tree.
They won't tell me what they want for Christmas.
It's a flippin' nightmare.
I tried to celebrate Yule.
They don't seem too interested.
So -
I don't know.
*****
So many people have died this year in my world
that my Christmas list is incredibly short.
When a single mom needed help buying one tiny thing for her kiddos,
I sent her the money I would have spent on my Aunt Barbara.
I bought the tiny thing and a gift for her and her kids on Amazon.
That was with most of the money I would have spent on Uncle Roger.
I'm still ahead of the game.
I think I know someone else who needs some fundage.
At least I got to buy a couple of presents for a person who wants them and isn't someone I used to date.
*****
Still having bizarre dreams
Yeah, I had a couple of weird dreams this morning.
The first one was about being tempted by another man from my past. This man I've known since he was twelve years old. He was my neighbor growing up.
He was in LOVE with me. I told him that he was far too young for me.
His name is Pat. He's Irish. We pretty much grew up together. He'd walk me home from school. He told me not to pee on electric fences (must be a boy thing) and he'd protect me when I pissed off the farmer next door by taunting his cattle.
Pat was upset off when I dated my high school sweetheart because he was younger than Pat. To this day, he never lets me forget it. If he was too young, why was I robbing the cradle with someone months younger than him?
It's strange how we change over the years. The older we get, the less age seems to matter. The last guy I dated was a couple of years younger than me. My replacement was two decades younger than he was.
Patrick was wounded in a military operation just a couple of years out of high school. Although he was married to another woman, I was the one he wanted to call.
To this day, on February 14th, he'll call ME drunker than a skunk. His wife will always be in the background laughing as I make him tell her how much he loves her.
I need a new February 14th ritual.
If it were not for COVID, they would be houseguests right about now.
COVID sucks.
In this dream, he tried to seduce me in my filthy bedroom (in front of Charlie and my unnamed bass). Right there, I can imagine something else I'd rather do in my room. No one can come into my room when it is filthy.
Like I typically do when faced with love, I ran off. Partly because my dream self remembered that my friend is married. I can't mess around with another woman's husband.
It was weird. Maybe it was warning. Maybe next time they want to stay here, I should spring for a hotel room so I can avoid shenanigans.
That dream morphed into a dream of the person Pat was jealous of.
This is the person I try avoid dreaming about. -
This morning I had another ice dream.
There is series of dreams I've had since 1987 where my high school sweetheart is on one side of an ice wall and I am on the other. He writes messages to me on the ice.
I typically cry so much that I get stuck on the ice before I can finish writing a message back.
Last night, the message was my name. He initially spelled it the way my mother did. Then he added a letter so it was the way I spell it now in public. My old friends know how to spell my real name.
When I was trying to hide from everyone, I added a stupid letter to the end of my name. I was wanting to add *ugh* to the end of my name because I thought it was funny. It didn't sound right so I just added an 'h' at the end.
The 'h' is silent.
In the dream, he wrote my real name on the ice - and then add the extra 'h'
Then he erased it and wrote 'gift.'
Then there was something I couldn't read.
Not sure what it means -
maybe it's my subconscious mind's way of reminding me to go Christmas shopping for people who hate the holidays.
Or maybe it was a 'gift' that he got away from me back in the day.
That's probably the real meaning.
Oh, and in the dream I saw him walk away right before I woke up. He has a unique and distinctive walk.
Maybe it means the dreams are finally over. Maybe the pain and energy are 'walking away from me' so to speak.
I don't know.
It could just be that my subconscious mind likes to creep me out.
Oh...well....
*****
Speaking of dreams -
May your holidays be dreamy and your 2021 be a heck of a lot better than 2020!
Love ya,
S.
Beautiful Update:
So, I've never raised boys. All my kids have been girls. I had a transgendered teenager live here but she identified as a girl.
I have never raised a son. I have absolutely no idea what to buy boys for presents.
The person I sent the gifts to is a single mom of boys.
At work, I asked another single mom who had children of both genders what to buy for little boys. We couldn't find the time to look for gifts on Amazon at work. I woke up this morning to find that she sent me $50.00 to send to the single mom with the little boys.
Funny thing, all three of us were married to people with NPD. The woman who sent me the money is studying the same thing as the young single mom. I get the sense they both want to spare other women from suffering at the hands of ragaholic control freaks.
I'm hoping this thing takes on a life of its own.
Just wanted to share a little bit more Christmas joy.
Oh, and I was a tomboy. As a kid, my mom would dress me up in lace and I go out and wrestle with the boys and ruin my dresses. It's funny, I just realized that I grew out of wrestling with boys around the age 43.
I just bought the kiddos what I would have wanted.
I hope they love it.
May your Christmas be magickal, too.
Hugs,
S.