Warped Gratitude Blog

Would you believe this is my favorite musical group?  I have all the Gregorian albums.  Can't say that for any band.   Weird, eh?    Today I'm thankful that I'm the laziest witch on the planet.  So - in the past few days I thought about doing a ritual to help me find new material for the dreams.  Yesterday was a full moon so I set about to write about what I wanted.  All I could get out was  "Mars in Sagittarius"  Yeah, my Mars is in Sagittarius.  Certain activities are a sport.  Maybe I just need to find someone as athletic as I.  I'd like him to be smart so I can hold a conversation with him once in a while,   Kind,  Like dogs,  not hit people or animals,  be too busy to stalk,  have enough arm strength to hold himself up during certain activities.... Other than that, I'm not really picky.  Honestly, I don't trust my ability to pick men out.  Judging by my last few relationships, my picker is broken.  So - I gave up on that idea despite my horde of r

Love the melody to this one..... Today I am a bit shaken but I know it's because I've overstayed my time in this place.  I am thankful for the insight.  So.... For many years, I advocated for the closure of Arapahoe House (AH) due to the sexual assaults that occurred within the patient and employee population.  One sexual assault in particular, caused me to run for office in my city after the owner of this chain of detox and rehab centers allegedly pressured a certain city attorney* to make up charges against the sexual assault victim to pressure her not to sue.  After finding the right guy to tell the story to, the charges against the victim were dropped.  It took eighteen months.  The owner of the company called me at my home to, basically, say they were not going to change their protocol.  After that ill-fated conversation, I'd been praying for their shut down for about six years before they went under.  I told numerous lawmakers about it with intention of gutting their

 Today I am thankful it is Yule.  Unfortunately, there is no time to celebrate.  Apparently, it's a very magickal day.  It's said that the planets are aligning in a beneficial way in a way that has not happened since 1200 a.d..  I never looked it up, so I don't know.  I'm just reporting what a Shaman told me.  Last, night I did a couple of rituals for people I know.  One charity needs money.  A friend needs a job.  I want to stop dreaming of a former friend, so I still light little white candles and ask that whatever he wants be brought to him for his highest good.  It's so weird dreaming of someone who dislikes me and being worried about him.  Oh well - maybe I just need to find something to keep me busy.  So, I said that same prayer for myself on a different altar.  My candle burned cleanly.  The others, not so much.  The white candle for my former friend is now leaving a lot of wax - that's a bad omen.  It means there is something he needs to overcome to get

 I'm not sure what I'm thankful for today.  It was a long day.  I got home from work a couple of hours before the sun will begin to shine.  There was another death.  Now, my personal death toll for 2020 is 18.  She was a former patient who died on my birthday from an addiction.  I just learned of her passing today.  If this keeps up, I'm going to develop a delusion that it is dangerous to know me.  Sigh -  Only one of those deaths was related to Covid.  One was due to suicide based on accidently killing someone in a hit and run.  One was due to someone deciding not to pursue cancer treatment.  The other 15 deaths were due to the inability to access medical and/or psychiatric care due to the Covid19 hysteria.  This is disgusting.  I'm off to try to sleep.  I only have two days off before the New Year.  I haven't even started Christmas shopping and have a meeting in about five hours.  Please - if you can - take time to rest and care for you.  This time of year is brut

  Today I am thankful for the opportunity to celebrate Christmas on some level.  My kids hate the holidays.  I think it comes from all that stalking and their father having rage attacks when things didn't go as he expected them to do.  Rage and crazy expectations are narcissist things.  Narcissists have to have control.  If things don't go their way, they flippin' explode.  The kids refuse to celebrate.  I can't put up the tree.  They won't tell me what they want for Christmas.  It's a flippin' nightmare.  I tried to celebrate Yule.  They don't seem too interested.  So -  I don't know.   ***** So many people have died this year in my world  that my Christmas list is incredibly short.  When a single mom needed help buying one tiny thing for her kiddos,  I sent her the money I would have spent on my Aunt Barbara.  I bought the tiny thing and a gift for her and her kids on Amazon.  That was with most of the money I would have spent on Uncle Roger.  I

  Today I am thankful for "Tower Moments":  When the Tower falls, we have to decide what is important and take action. .  It's time to wear my druid cloak and meditate on what my friends call my "Jedi Mind tricks."  I lost two high school classmates in the past 72 hours.  They didn't die from Covid.  In 2020 - I have lost 17 people.   Most of them died of untreated medical issues due to propaganda that the hospitals would be full of Covid patients.  My aunt Barbara fell and broke her hip.  She was sent home from a Kaiser hospital early to make way for Covid patients.  She died three days later in her bed.  That was March 21.  My aunt Judy had cancer.  She didn't get treatment.  In her case, I think it was a quality of life issue.   My uncle Roger had Covid.  He survived it.  They said Covid punctured a hole in his lung and that it was untreatable.  They turned off his oxygen until he passed away.  For a man his age, that condition has a 48% survival rate

This song is based upon a poem that paints the portrait of a depressed man living a pointless existence.  The song is believed to be cursed.  Today I am thankful that I'm capable of anger and love the smell of burning wax and banishing oil.  Just a quick update -  The football cards were given to a charity and I presume sold.  The purpose was to provide sanitation for the homeless in Denver.  There was a fundraiser.  A porta-potty was supplied.  Mayor Hancock had it removed in the dark of the night (in less than 24 hours of delivery).  Yes, I am aware that Hancock is not the only person involved in that decision - but he is the Mayor of Denver.  The captain must always go down with his ship.  Of course, Denver voters voted for a tax hike to help the homeless - but the only thing they're getting for their money is an exacerbation of the problem.  I've seen this before in Denver.  This time, Denver is responding by continuing to bulldoze and trash the belongings of the homele

Today I am thankful for realizing what I want in a relationship -  and what I can offer.   I never really thought I had much to offer outside of a good time.  I finally figured out what I can offer.  What I value in relationships is to be the ability to be myself and pursue the things I want to pursue.  The gift I can give with others is to let them be themselves and pursue the things they want to pursue.  This is what was missing in ALL of my past relationships.  My previous partners would try to dissuade me from my pursuits and hobbies.  ***** Still having dreams -thankfully- no one dies.   They just watch.   The dreams are getting me to ponder my faults and the things that went wrong way back when.  It's to the point where I realize that over analysis is a fault in and of itself.  Everything has been analyzed to death.  You know what?  I'm tired of dreaming about the same ol' people and things.  Maybe a new boyfriend will help give me new mental material for dreamtime? 

  Today I am thankful that the nightmares have changed.  I should explain that I have two types of nightmares.  In one type of nightmare, I dream of an old friend getting injured or dying.  I haven't had this dream in two weeks (thank goodness).  I promised to light little white candles for him until I go 30 days without dreaming of him* getting hurt or in pain.  Just a couple more weeks to go.  Woo hoo!  ***** I'm pretty sure that the dreams of the tall guy with blue eyes burned to death were premonitions of a colleague who committed suicide via self-immolation in the mountains last month.  It's sad, though, it would have been preferable that no one died and that the dreams were figments of my subconscious imagination.  ***** There are other nightmares - these involve marriage.  Now, after my last relationship, I have determined myself to be a commitment-phobe.  Don't get me wrong.  I want a long term love - someone I can tease and play with and get to figure out how t

 Today I am thankful for HP.  Not, Hewlett Packard.... My HP laptop is dying.  No, I've never had time to run to Microcenter to get a new one.   When I say HP, I mean my higher power.  I can't sleep.  The dreams won't stop.   I wound up going to the office at 2:00 a.m. to return some keys someone might use tomorrow.  I have a class at 8:00 a.m.  Some stupid woman has lost her marbles.  Yep, I'm talking about myself.  **** I awoke this morning with very bright light green eyes.  They've NEVER been that light before.  Weird....they're kinda neon-ish.  It's almost as if I exposed myself to a bunch of radiation.  No, that's not possible.  Sadly, I'm not a superhero.  Those comics lied to us nerds - lol!  I feel broken.  I'm operating on about 4 hours of sleep over the past 72 hours.  Something is off besides my mind..  On the long drive to the office, I prayed.  What in the world am I supposed to do about the dreams?  Seriously, there has to be a fli

 Today I am thankful for risks.  Still having dreams of a particular person from my past.  In the latest dream,  I'm hanging out with activists in the Capital chambers.  My Fairy-God-Mother is a big, black and beautiful liberal woman with a hearty laugh.   In this dream, she's dressed like a civil servant.  I asked her about the dreams - what is the point of making me sleepless?  She pointed out that he's watching me.  I tell her that he once wrote that he keeps track of all the women he's been with so he does this to everyone.  She told me that I was mistaken  and then she pointed him out in the outskirts of the crowd.  In this dream, political leadership are taking requests to speak so I try my best to get their attention The man in the dreams never liked it when I was the center of attention.  That'll run him off.  They never call my name. Two things in the dream -  Yeah, I guess I can credit this guy with my addiction to work.  It did help to numb the pain. I ne

  Today I am thankful for Monopoly.  At least it is a useful metaphor.  In the back of my mind, I realize that I cannot date until I figure out the lesson in the dreams.  I cannot pass Go.  I cannot collect $200.  My sex life will stay in jail until I can stop screaming out a certain name in horror in the middle of the night.  Although, I'm realizing that the dreams of the tall deceased guy in the mountains were about Richard.  Perhaps his soul was trying to let someone know why he didn't make it in to work.  He was very dedicated and he never called in sick. I could see him refusing to go into the white light until he called in, so to speak. Once I realized who it was, that particular dream stopped.   There are other dreams.   I need to find the lesson or only date people with the name I scream out.  Since the only people I know with that name are politicians who are happily married, I think it's best I stay unattached.  In searching for the lessons, I found two more.  ***

Today I am thankful for feeling sick to the point of numbness.  How to kill a Covid patient:    Bring his children into the hospital room.... (at least they showed a small bit of mercy by allowing visitors) Start a morphine drip.... and then decrease the oxygen flow until it flows no more.  This will happen to my uncle in twenty minutes.  They will start the procedure three minutes after his daughters arrive.  Do I dare tell my relatives that pneumothorax is treatable?  Of course not, knowing my uncle, he would have Googled it.   Besides, after talking to him in the cemetery on the day he buried Judy, I know that he did not want to live in a world without her.  This sounds more peaceful than driving his RV off of a cliff as he hinted to me that day. .  Just so everyone knows, when one is 78, this condition has a 42% survival rate.  The younger one is, the higher the survival rate.  That is better than 0%.  Damn..... I'm sure my mom, grandparents and aunties will be there to greet h

  Today I am so far down that I am thankful that eventually I can go back up.  The past few days were good.  Some of the young patients finally saw me without my mask -  We were eating Thanksgiving dinner.  A couple of them remarked that I was beautiful.  I found myself uttering aloud my belief that the beauty they see is the joy emanating out me of due to the wonderful people in my presence.  They asked my age.  I told the truth.  So many women fear aging and I figure if they can see that 50 doesn't mean decrepitude, maybe they won't grow to fear it. Now that my liver tumor is gone, I'm healthy.  No one believes I'm 51.....  Love softens our faces, makes us smile, brightens our eyes and makes us more attractive.  If any group of young people need love, it is young pregnant women recovering from addiction.  They teach me quite a bit about love and loss.  They show me the difficulty of doing the right thing.  They have more compassion and strength of character than I hav

  Today I am thankful that the energy has shifted.  I finally had a night without nightmares, worry, freaky dreams or visions about a person from my past.  There were dreams of deep conversations with other men I've know for years - but nothing sexy, dirty or creepy.  These are the kind of dreams I'd be comfortable talking about within earshot of their wives and girlfriends. They were about wins these guys will probably have.  After four months I'm finally free.  I'm finally me.   All in all - I think all this has done is bolstered my true faith in the divine.  Perhaps I get the messages because I'll actually pray for the people they involve.  Perhaps that was the lesson.  I'll never know.  ***** I'm still not sure what to think about the dreams of the burned body in the mountains knowing that my colleague drove up to Summit county and self-immolated in his car amongst the trees.  Was it a coincidence or a premonition?  It was probably a subconscious reminde