Warped Gratitude Blog

  Today I am thankful that I can hide in a hell hole.     I don't know where to begin.      I'm almost to the point of asking for psych drugs so I don't feel so horrid anymore.      The therapists think it is a good idea to let my ex stay in this house through the holidays.      I can't see my friend when he is here.    So, I'm going to try to break off my new relationship.  I tried setting boundaries but it became a nightmare.  I'm going to try to stop crying so that I can actually return telephone calls without sounding like an emotional mess.   I do not know how to explain what is going on.    I'll try....     Whenever I go to leave the house, my ex makes snide remarks about my 'getting lucky' and being with someone new.  It's annoying.      It hurts, especially when it is followed by him claiming that he'll...

Today I am thankful for the gift of another person's projection.   Yeah.... My ex claimed that my best friend is controlling.  Then he said that it could be projection.  I went running off to a shrink.  Yeah....they both are acting a little bizarrish.  One...well, could be acting out due to sexual tension.  The other....well....it is projection.  ***** I figured out why my ex won't move out.  I figured out why the assets aren't being split or why the divorce agreement doesn't count.  He's still got control.  Oh....that's easy to remedy.  Wow....   *****   I spent the day with minimal male contract.      I am so proud of myself.      I didn't call my friend when I found snowshoes and related equipment for $10.00 a set on closeout.      Nope....     I didn't say a peep.      ...

    Today I am thankful for realizing that my romance is probably over.   My friend is hurt. He doesn't know why.  In recent days, he's made fun of my religion.  He claims he isn't.  He's telling me that I hate sex.  I don't hate sex.  There are few opportunities for us to hook up.  When it comes to my home, I need to get my ex out of my house before bringing it into my home turf. Guess who agreed to move out this evening?  Yeah..... I can't help but feel that this is too little too late. I've lost my best friend, though.  He'll realize that I'm not the one for him soon enough.  How do I know he's gone? He walks ahead of me at a brisk pace like he can't get away from me fast enough. He's always looking at me in disbelief.  He has a mocking laugh, like he can't believe the things I tell him.  He takes a lot of the things I say out of context and reads...

Today I am thankful for my recent lessons about love. The past three weeks have been a wild ride between my friend and I.  I have to say that I have learned a lot.  Here are a few examples of what I have learned within the past month.  1.)   It's a myth that it takes three weeks to learn a habit.   Habits can become instantaneous quite quickly. The 'I love you' daily habit started without warning.  The feeling of being on fire near a love was the result of one trial learning as well.  This all came about fairly quick.   One experience of being set aflame is all it takes for those nerves to gain that memory.  Now, I can't sit near him without squirming.  2.)   A relationship can come about prior to its being defined.   Whenever two people spend time together, they are in some kind of relationship.  We were in a relationship even if we were in denial about it....

Today I am thankful for sage sticks.     My ex was at the house all week.      I don't think he showered at all.      The entire house smells like a dirty old man.      My bedroom doesn't.  It smells like rum and roses.      The rest of the house, though, smells like a man who doesn't use toilet paper.      *****     He was supposed to move out on Monday.      The only boxes that have been packed are the ones that I packed for him.      The closer that Friday came, the more distraught I became.      By Friday evening, I was distraught.      By Saturday, I didn't care anymore.      *****   We cannot communicate.      That may be my fault.      I'll ask him what he wants.    ...

Today I am thankful for the truth but not thankful for fake friendships. Ugh.... My Scorpio buddy, the cross dressing one, usually gets a birthday gift the first week of November.   He's five years my junior.  We could never be a couple because I'm too old for him.  We've discussed this.  He wants a younger lady.  I've known him for seven years.  He chases off men who come on too strong.  We have the same last name, so people think we are related.  He's my friend.  He's an over-protective friend but he is my friend.  Well....he was my friend.  This year he wanted homemade peanut butter cookies.  I promised to send them earlier this year.  Then, I changed my relationship status.  He's angry.  He's upset.  He doesn't want me to fuss over him anymore because there is a new man in my life.  I am so floored!  I am so sad.  I am numb.  ...

Today I am thankful that I lost my voice.     I can't yell at dork muffins because I lost my voice.      I lost my voice on Sunday.      I was in a parking lot.      I found myself screaming at a man who was screaming at me.      Why?      Well.....       I was planning a tiny birthday party for the girls to throw for their father.      He's complaining about being alone.      They always threw birthday parties for him that I planned.      I took him out get a sense of what he wanted for his birthday.  He is a virtual stranger to me.      I had no clue what he wants or needs.      I took him to a shopping center a few blocks from where my love and I work and I turned him lose.      While shopping, he's chatti...