Today I am thankful for my crazy habit of writing down my dreams.
Over the past few weeks, I've been cleaning out the house to prepare for an upcoming remodel.
I've whined so much about the break-ins,
that I'm getting security doors and windows.
The problem with cleaning out clutter is that one can unearth things that were long forgotten
-or buried-
-or lost.
I found an old dream diary I kept over a decade ago. In it I recorded nightmares about an old friend from high school.
The dreams were horrific.
They showed bodily injuries via accidents, domestic assaults, and one dream even had him on fire, being shot with hundreds of flaming Cupid's arrows while being pecked to death by hawks.
The worst parts of that dream were the black dogs that were biting me so I couldn't smother the flames out. If one is in pain, I'd do my best to help.
I'm thinking that last dream probably embodies what happens to any poor man who gets too close to me. I'm pretty stupid in relationships.
There were dreams of me speaking to spirit animals and guides telling me that love is never a perversion unless we wield it in immoral ways.
I've always felt guilty for caring for this person. I mean, he married someone else. I married someone else: it's sad that the man I married wasn't the staring man in my dreams.
Well....perhaps I should count my blessings that my ex-husband was never the staring man in my nightmares.
They were harsh.
After awhile, I felt ashamed about caring for people I didn't truly know. In fact, throughout my marriage, my in-laws would complain that I "cared too much" for everyone.
I'm not sure why I'd listen to their bullshit. To be honest, the fact that I care is why some people actually listen to me in the first place!
I used to listen to my heart more. I think I let it drive me crazy.
I've been an emotional mess.
I've been sad since I found the diary.
I also found a break-up note circa May 1987, it tore my heart out. It basically stated that the boy who was leaving me never wanted to be without my friendship.
Friendship was basically all we had.
Well....it was friendship set on fire. Luckily, we were too young to do much with it. We didn't wind up ruining our lives or scorching ourselves.
Losing my friend did hurt like hell.
He left me so I could take a music scholarship. I would known that at the time if I had read the note.
I was told he had prettier toke buddies (could be gossip, I don't know). I didn't indulge so I felt that I wasn't any "fun." When he left, I thought it would give him a chance to get to know the other girls better.
I didn't fight it at all. Perhaps I should have.
He seemed to think I'd be happier at college. I thought he'd be happier meeting other girls (those who didn't conflict with his religious lifestyle back in the day).
I think we cared so much for the other that we sacrificed what we wanted thinking it would make the other person happier. For many years, I blissfully believed I was right. I was told he married a beautiful woman and was happy. My in-laws lived a couple of blocks away from his family. My cousin-in-law dated his next door neighbor.
I thought everything turned out perfectly for him.
No one told me about his divorce. I didn't really tell anyone too much about the stalking, harassment and frightening things going on in my life.
I think he guessed that I was unhappy. I don't know if he saw it in my face, could decipher it in one of my blogs or if.....maybe....word got out about public embarrassment I endured in my home town. Yeah....one day my ex-husband had a rage attack in my home town on the way to a high school reunion. Since that day, several of my childhood friends have tried to help me get away.
I thought my old friend was okay. I mean....really....the dreams made me worry enough to write them down and to pray. I honestly thought that the dreams were not about him at all. I believed they were indicative of the hell I was going through.
It didn't strike home how bad things were until I saw him.
One day, twenty-one years later, I would snap a photo of him trying to hide his sadness.
That picture breaks my heart.
That picture reminds me that I'm an idiot who hides behind the way she wants things to be rather than what they truly are.
I stayed away thinking I was doing right by him.
Could I have been wrong?
I don't know.
I'd say I miss his friendship but, truth be told, I don't know if we can talk to each other any more. He misunderstands me. In a belittling fashion, on Facebook, he publicly equated me with Ayn Rand (.ugh...yeah....um.....that's a tad bit hurtful...she's not someone I'd aspire to be.). He doesn't know me at all. I prefer the objectivist philosophy of Nathanial Braden. I used to buy his books and keep them in my office for clients who wanted them. In fact, I just donated several of his books to make room for the remodel.
I'm not sure I can understand my old friend. It has to be hard to live in such judgmental skin. I bet he's harsher on himself than he could ever be towards any one else.
I probably should be more understanding of his lack of understanding of philosophy. I aspired towards a doctorate of philosophy. He's in IT. If I critique his understanding of objectivism, he could easily find all the design flaws in the websites I've built for my business and my friends' political campaigns.
I'd best just chalk it up to us being two incredibly different people. That doesn't mean that I don't care.
There are days when I miss that type of friendship. Two people always have a unique alchemical reaction together: we will never have that same feeling we had together with anyone else. This is true of each and every relationship we ever enter into.
I did learn an important lesson from him.
Friendship is exactly what I want in an intimate relationship. It's hard to tell my nosey match-making friends that I want a friend first.
I'm not sure they understand.
Yeah, on the way to a doctor's appointment this morning, I was stopped in the middle of the road by a neighbor who claims to have found me a suitor.
I don't need a suitor.
I need to figure out how to juggle all of the crazy things going on in my life. I need to find myself again. I need to be secure in the person I'm supposed to be before bringing another soul into my life.
Aren't I?
Sigh...
I'm still cleaning out the tsunami of crap. I hope that by giving up the things that no longer serve me, I can bring newer things into my life.
I have three huge boxes of shoes to sort through, clean and donate.
I have an absolutely huge wardrobe.
I never printed out the pictures I've taken over the past fifteen years with my digital camera. I'm looking into online resources to help with that.
That sad thing is that I can't seem to find a way to open up the old Kodak picture files.
I'll figure it out.
I wonder how many of those old photos are of my old friend.
I'd better brace myself for another hurricane of emotions.
*****
In the past few weeks, I've been pondering the dreams of my old friend.
I've wondered why I felt connected to him.
I wondered why he came back thrice.
I thought about the gossip that was spread back then, curious to know if there was any truth to it and then realizing that it truly didn't matter if I cared for him.
Then it struck me that there was gossip about me, too. I had wondered if he'd heard it. If so, I hoped he didn't believe it.
The note broke my heart. It was especially hard when I recollected the three times I saw him in the past decade and the sad aura he projected during those hours.
If I had tried to be a friend to him, would it have made a difference in his life?
I thought staying away was best.
Perhaps I was wrong.
I wanted to know what my lesson is supposed to be.
This had to happen to teach me something.
If I could only learn the lesson, I could move on.
******
I started to re-read the diary.
On the last reading, I found a folded up piece of paper that looked like it was torn out of a notebook. It recounted a dream from September 8, 2008.
It said that "Love is the lesson - unconditional love." This dream was of an Eagle spirit guide who showed me the beauty and importance of allowing others to spread their wings and fly free.
I fell asleep to the flickering lights of Aphrodite's candles that refused to extinguish no matter how many times I tried to snuff them out.
I don't remember my dreams last night.
I awoke to the feeling of complete and utter peace.
Everything will be okay.
My friend is okay.
I am okay.
Things happened the way the were supposed to happen.
I should never wish to change a thing.
Nothing is lost so long as lessons are learned.
Surprisingly when I awoke to snuff out the candles on the altar, they all went out effortlessly.
That must have been my lesson from Aphrodite.
Love....just love.
Love without agenda.
Love without limits.
When one loves, judgment is suspended.
When one loves, control is suspended.
When one truly loves, one lets go and allows the other to fly free.
That is what my old friend did for me. Despite all the nightmares, this is what I must continue to do for him even if it is just on a spiritual level. .
Let him fly free. Next time....if there is a next time....when he appears sadder than all get out, I will do a little more probing to see if I can help.
If he doesn't talk, I will understand completely. I don't like to discuss the issues in my life.
I will just continue to light the little white candles and hope whatever is keeping him from soaring towards a sunnier plain dissipates. I'll know when I can stop lighting them: The nightmares will stop.
There is no loss when there is unconditional love.
The ability to love unconditionally is a gift.
Love ya lots.....
hoping you fly free.....
(oh....I also hope you are understood by the people you love and if not, I hope their judgments don't bother you at all.)
S.