If I am with someone long gone, it will only be in spirit. After the stalking I endured, I am terribly afraid to reach out to people for fear of sparking problems for them no matter how many nightmares I have about them.
Today I am thankful for lessons of faith.
This week was incredibly interesting.
I'll begin by discussing my faith.
I light a candle every day.....
Saturday to Saturn....sometimes to Oshun (African love Goddess)
Sunday to the Gods of the Sun: Apollo and his son Asclepsius
Monday to the moon Goddesses: Artemis/Diana and Isis - sometimes Lilith
Tuesday to the God of War: Ares/Mars
Wednesdays to the God of Communication and Travel: Hermes/Mercury
Thursdays to the Gods/Goddesses of Success: typically Pheme /Fama
Fridays to the Gods/Goddesses of Passion (love and otherwise): always to Dionysus and Aphrodite...sometimes Eros/Cupid
I'm always burning candles and incense.
If there is ever a power outage, come over to my house. I'll hook you up with the good stuff (unless you prefer candles on the darker side.....I even have black non-reversible figural candles....don't know why I'd have those....they're used to curse people permanently).
I had no idea how many candles I actually owned until I cleaned out my house pending an inspection. I have two very large bookcases. My religious candles take two entire shelves, one briefcase and one 3'x5' tote.
I probably should donate some candles to charity.
In fact, I've been donating quite a bit of things to charity. I had four car loads that I've driven to the local ARC. There will probably be several more.
The kids and I are in the process of having our home repaired and renovated. I'm getting help from the very entity that I blame for putting me in this mess in the first place. This is the local governmental entity that turned the other way when the obnoxious abuse and stalking became frightening by fining us (and stealing from my divorce fund) and refusing to investigate/take reports of the harassment.
They're helping me secure a home repair loan which I must repay within the next five years (when I'm court mandated to refinance the house). Not refinancing the house won't impact my ex, he bankrupted on it seven years ago.
A promise is a promise.
I do my best to keep my promises.
So....in order to get new carpet, I figure I have get rid of the things I don't need.
After nearly twenty years in the same house, there is quite a bit of stuff!
I estimate that I have about 200 pairs of shoes. They are barely worn. I've donated some of the nice ones with 5" heels. I'm probably getting a little too old to run around in them all of the time.
I haven't donated any of my thigh high boots. Those are going to be hard to part with.
Who has so many shoes?
Wow....and I don't want to donate them until I inspect them and insure they are cleaned up and polished.
The only thing I can imagine is that I bought them so that I could feel pretty. I stopped dressing up in 2012 after some guy ejaculated on my leg while I was wearing my favorite Hawaiian dress.
That must have hurt me on some level. Since that day, I've had a tendency to dress down. I've put my heels away. It's as if I don't want to draw attention to myself.
As strange as it is, people still recognize me even when I'm wearing ratty jeans and t-shirts.
I don't feel like me.
Maybe it is more that I don't know who I am.
*****
While cleaning out my home, I found numerous items I forgot about.
I found a couple of objects sent to me that were believed to be haunted - they're not.
I found my old grad school research, there was a lot of it. It would have taken up an entire bookshelf. I destroyed it.
I found the equivalent of four bookshelves of research about the antics of the entity helping with the loan. My kiddos organized it and put it in notebooks. I have disks of the information in a safe deposit box elsewhere. For some reason, I like the paper copies. I can't get rid of it until I know they've stopped abusing their employees.
I found 7 old computers. I took them in for recycling.
Then....I found things that made me very contemplative...
Things that broke my heart.
Things that I thought I destroyed when the stalking was at it's height...
Things I wanted to be rid of as to not spark further jealousy.
I found a dream journal that I kept in the early 2000's. These recounted the nightmares I had of an old friend from high school. The dreams were about a guy that I was in denial about dating back in the day; it was a relationship that an elderly math teacher had to describe to me. He used as an example of a married couple saving for their retirement.
That old teacher was very smart. He saw what I refused to see.
Eventually I cut through the denial. We dated. My life soon fell apart; my grandmother died, my aunt died, my step-father died and my grandfather was diagnosed with cancer all in the span of six months.
This followed the murder of my mother 18 months prior.
I was depressed. I was young. I was deluded in thinking that if I passed away, I could be with my family again.
My friend stuck by my side until I was offered a music scholarship in a town several hours away. The day after I told him about the scholarship, he handed me a note and said that he "was leaving me."
I remember that moment with incredible clarity.
I was sitting in psychology class next to my friend Andy. Andy and I still talk - well, I usually talk to Andy's wife. She's connected to one of my jobs.
It's a small world.
I put the note in a book. It would be twenty years before I'd read it.
I forgot about it and set to work processing my grief.
*****
Fast forward to 2007, I was married. The marriage was in trouble because of harassment from my then husband's family. We slept apart and had separate bedrooms.
Things from high school started turning up around the house. My yearbooks wound up in my ex-husband's bedroom. My ex-husband seemed excited to have found the note. Reading it broke my heart: It would seem my old friend never wanted to leave. He equated life without me as a form of death and basically stated that he left me so I could "do the things I want to do in life."
Oh....he left me so I could study music. I wish he would have just told me that. Sigh....I thought he left me to hang out with prettier girls. The note addressed that, too. He said he wasn't interested in "those kind of girls."
Maybe I should have read the note. It hurt too much to think about.
The problem is that reading that note twenty years later didn't help me very much. At the time I was plagued by nightmares of my old friend. Prior to 2004, the nightmares were sporadic. I had several between 1987-1989. I had a roommate who would tell me what I would scream in the middle of the night.
I was told I screamed out "Oh, no! Tom!!"
By 2004, I'd learn that I'd scream "Oh, no! Not again!!! Tom!!!" When I'd wake up after catching myself doing that I'd break out into a horrible, flat, off key rendition of Rush's Tom Sawyer. It became a running joke in my household.
I remember having one dreadful feeling in November of 1991 but it was more of an uncertain feeling than an actual nightmare. I was worried about this guy for a few days but it eventually passed.
Until about 2000, the dreams went silent. It was nice. I avoided my home town. My in-laws lived a few blocks from this guy's mother. I'd hold my head down while driving down the block his mother resided.
I didn't want to see the house. It brought back too many memories. The worst memory was an actual threat that this guy (Tom) made stating that he planed to overdose on drugs. Little miss goody-two shoes (me) left school early and convinced a bus driver to take me to Tom's home. We agreed on a signal to give should he need to call an ambulance. My friend was fine. I signaled to the driver and he left.
I won't elaborate about the other things my diary states transpired on that day. I was very upset with him for scaring the hell out of me.
That fear.....the fear of that first October day in '86 still stays with me. I think that fear is what inspires the nightmares....all these years later.
Remember....my parents were addicts. Their addiction indirectly caused their deaths. Back then, those threats meant something to me.
They still do.
Getting back to the dairy, in the event that the dreams came to pass, I would document them in the diary. There were entries from 2008 contrasting the dreams about this guy to events that occurred in real life.
I never got around to documenting that the dreams I had in 2005 about him breaking his leg actually came to pass five years later.
I hope the ones about him telling me about his wife and kiddo come true. In the dream, he seems so happy. His kiddo is born around Christmas. Last time I saw him, he was unmarried and childless.
The dream diary wasn't all that I found.
Sigh....I got rid of all of his pictures because of the stalking. I sent them to him after I met him in 2008. I didn't want to throw them away (bad luck in my religion). I didn't want to burn them (in my religion, that's a cruel lust spell)…..so I sent them all to him.
I thought his mother may want them.
I thought I destroyed the letter that it took me twenty years to read.
Apparently I didn't. It was hidden away - tucked into yet another psychology book.
It is now in an envelope on my altar, encircled by white and blue candles and burning Native American herbs (sage and sweetgrass).
The candles have been burning for two weeks now!
This ritual is intended to rid him of any memories or negative energy pertaining to our relationship.
I've done everything else I can think of.
I've done psychic cord cuttings - nothing.
I've broken sticks because I was told by a Native American relative that this activity breaks connections with people - nada.
In 2008, I even showed him the collection of broken sticks I placed by the trees in our hometown - he asked if it worked.
I told him the truth.
If it worked, he wouldn't have sought me out and offered to meet with me.
Sigh.....
So.....I don't know.
I'm confused.
I'm lost.
Despite the tears, I'm still reading that dream diary.
There was a dream in September 2008 where I'm talking to a spirit guide and describing my feelings for this guy (Tom) as "evil" because they could take him away from his destiny. The spirit replies that pure love can never be evil and that it is okay for me to pray for happiness because he's always needed it. The dream spirit told me I'd see my friend again and that I would err because I wouldn't tell him the truth about what was going on in my life (to be fair, I'm still trying to figure that stalking mess out...how can I talk about what I fail to understand?)
I forgot about that dream. My subconscious must remember because to this very day, I still light those candles for him.
The candles always burn slowly. They always leave at least 1" of left over wax. When that happens, it is a sign and a signal that the ritual needs repeated. It signifies left over issues that must be dealt with.
Fortunately, I have a lot of white and reversible blue candles.
His name always shows up in the residue - his name also shows up in the residue of candles I light for other purposes.
It's gotten to the point, I'll ask third parties what they see because I doubt my perceptions too much.
There are other dreams that break my heart to read about now. There is one from 2005 in which I'm dreaming of Tom at 58 telling me that the years apart from me were painful. He was afraid to talk to me because he knew I wasn't telling him everything about the things happening in my life and my reasons for avoiding him.
I stayed away from a lot of people because of the stalking. I'm starting to face the blowback from that now.
In that dream, I wrote about other things he told me. Things about my life that actually came to pass. That's a little freaky.
I should throw out the diary. I think I'll keep it for now.
*******
I had a neighbor approach me last night because he saw a guy looking at the house and was afraid that it was one of my ex-husband's relatives. After he described him to me, I immediately recognized him as the city home inspector.
Then my neighbor accused me of flirting with the home inspector.
I'm asexual.
I don't flirt.
I'm just nice.
We were quickly met with another neighbor who stated she hadn't seen me in years. Yeah....I used to drop off Christmas gifts every year just to spread some cheer. I stopped that when the stalking started to freak me out.
Apparently, my neighbors are trying to find me a "honey" because they're concerned that I'm lonely.
They noted that men don't come around my house.
Um.....
I think I need to close up some aspects of my past before I can find another love. I need to understand the lessons of the first relationship. I also need to process the hell of the three relationships that followed.
Besides, I'd like to get some cosmetic surgery first. I left that last relationship feeling very ugly and undesirable. I think....I need to make myself worthy of someone before embarking down that path.
Rhiannon is the Welsh goddess of forgiveness: perhaps....I should light a candle for her and get over my guilt for not reading the note and being there for my friend (there were rumors about his difficulties after our break that I dare not share). Aphrodite is said to be insulted by people who refuse to partake in her gifts. I've....well.....I've spent most of my life pushing away interested parties. I must offend her often due to my fear of moving forward.
I lit my Friday candles.
I asked Dionysus for the passion and talent to paint pictures of injustice and to dedicate them in his honor (he's also Liber - the God of Freedom).
I asked Aphrodite for the gifts of beauty and confidence so that I don't do anything to inadvertently turn off or harm the man she sends for me.
I fell asleep.
I'm still trying to process the dreams.
They are strange.
In a dream this morning, there is a man from my past who comes to visit me. He comes in through my garage (perhaps symbolizing movement rather than stillness - things in garages are still - leaving the garage means activity).
He tries to give me money. I refuse it. He calls it alimony and I tell him that we were never married.
He kisses me.
He is in a hurry to define the relationship and meet the kids. I'm hesitant. The dream ends with this horrible feeling of trying to slow down the life that is moving too fast around me.
I never see his face. I see his hair (it's dark).
I hear his name.
It's a name from my past.
I feel his energy.
It's familiar. The problem is that the dark hair in the dream doesn't match the true to life features of the man from my past.
The dream is metaphorical. Perhaps I'm afraid that I'll hurt someone else because I'm not over the people from the past. I really don't want to date someone and project any previous relationships on to him. I truly need to work on my stuff first.
Or....I need to forget the whole thing.
Two jobs and school are not enough to wipe the memory from me.
Hypnosis doesn't work.
Perhaps painting asshole cops will help keep me too busy to feel.
Yes....I've been talking to retired African American cops. They understand what I'm saying...oh my....things are incredibly unfair. Perhaps I'll write about those discussions later. I am of the opinion that white old ladies cannot advocate for people of color. We can stand behind them but, ultimately, we need to listen to their voices (not our own).
*****
I'd like to circle back to the beginning of the post and talk about ending the rituals.
I find it easy to extinguish most of the ritual candles.
Apollo and Asclepius allow their candles to extinguish quickly.
Isis, Artemis/Diana also let the flame go and allow the smell of the essential oils to linger.
Ares...well....if I forget to extinguish his candle before falling asleep, I'll dream of him asking if I need anything.
Mercury....he's awesome...it's as if he's in a hurry. The moment I end the ritual, the candle goes out on its own.
I never had an issue with Pheme. She doesn't seem to mind me letting the candles burn for days on end. Sometimes she'll give me dreams of the clouds in the skies parting and the sun shining through.
Aphrodite's candles are different. I can try to extinguish them, the flame may go out for a few moments before it begins to flicker again. I find it incredibly hard to snuff out her candles. They typically remain lit until I pray to her explaining that I actually have to go out of the house to work.
They are usually lit the entire weekend.
I find this to be an interesting metaphorical lesson.
Perhaps real love doesn't truly die: We can try to snuff it out but the flame always keeps returning.
That will be the thought I ponder today.
May all your good dreams come true.
May all your nightmares only occur in dreams.
Love ya,
S.