Warped Gratitude Blog

Today I am thankful for rent-able dumpsters. So.... As my kids get older and start to age into adulthood, I am thankful that they are telling me things that they were afraid to tell me in their youth. I am going to need to find a way to get a good job with health insurance so I can get them decent psych benefits. I knew I needed to do this but I had no idea how bad it was. Well.... I can't walk into the kitchen without wanting to vomit. This evening, my 20 year old told me about her father watching porn at the kitchen table and.... well.... soiling the rug and the underside of what I thought was the lily white underside of my country oak kitchen table. It was hinted that he did this in the living room, too.  So...the furniture and carpet have got to go. I don't know if this is true or not.  Now, I have to consult with a professional to determine if this constitutes child abuse or neglect. I don't feel right quizzing the kids about this and need to ...

Today I am thankful for the culmination of dreams, insight from other Pagans and a Goddess meditation. First off, I was wrong.  Working 50 hours a week and attending school for 20 hours does not get rid of dreams of an old love. Sigh.... I figure that if I understood what my subconscious mind was trying to say, the dreams would stop. The dreams started in 1987. They waned for a bit but came back with a vengeance on 11-5-2005. For the first decade or so, the dreams were frightening.  In each dream, the subject would be injured.  The heartbreaking thing was that, invariably, the subject would wind up with these injuries in real life. No, I had nothing to do with the injuries. About three years ago, they turned into more personal dreams.  The only thing they do now is make me feel bizarre.  I can't be running around having subconscious imagery of a guy I rarely talk to anymore. It would be very awkward to fun into his family now and...well....you...

This song has been stuck in my mind all day.  I have no clue why.  The answer will probably arrive in my dreams around 3:33 in the morning. Today I am thankful that I realize that the more I try to not be myself, the more of my personality tends to leak out.   Years ago, I started writing down bizarre thoughts that I had.  I used my real name.  One of the thoughts actually made it into another author's book.  Just a line....he sent me a copy.  I treasure that.  When the stalking became frightening, I started to use a childhood nickname.  To prove to myself how ludacris the gossip about me was, I began to write as though I were the person in the stories.  There is an inherent challenge in writing fictional type things.  First, the issue is of the environment.  Environments have to be believable.  For a fictional background to be believable, the environment is the story has to be consistent.  T...

Don't fear the darkness.  The darkness helps us appreciate the light.  Today I am thankful that I still embrace my anger and remember my fear. Don't take advice from Muppets. Sure, fear and anger leads to suffering.  Many people who suffer and work through it want to prevent others from suffering, too. Today I was reminded of something I have to do in this city that is left undone. I haven't solved the issue of the police ignoring stalking victims. Yes.  I've felt fear.  I've been upset, anxious and freaked out so much that I'm probably too cool now.  I'm told I have a calming influence. It's true.  Nothing freaks me out any more.  I don't think anything can compare to the experiences I've had from my ex-husband and his family. This is why I learned to shoot. I will never feel helpless again. Fear isn't necessarily a bad thing. In my mind, fear is the beginning of a journey.  It gives you strength to right a wrong...

Today I am thankful for honest lawyers. So....I met with a lawyer today. I'm going to give him a rave AVVO review because....well....he's honest. He gave me free advice, which is rare and spent about 50 minutes with me.   My ex has been emailing me wanting the tax credit.  I learned today that despite signing an agreement he can take it every other year, he cannot so long as the kids live with me the majority of the time.  He can also never take it if he is in arrears. That is worth the good review.  I would have paid a consultation fee for the answer to that question. The lawyer looked at my divorce decree, the parenting plan and the contempt citations. I'll need a $10,000 retainer.  It may cost upwards of $20,000 to proceed. He said there are reasons why the cost will be so high - I expected to hear the reasons as "the other party doesn't cooperate (which runs up costs)." I didn't hear that. I heard "he can try to claim parenta...

Today I am thankful that I make notes of the little sensations I have during slow moments.  At around 11:11, I felt an old presence next to me.  I felt the sensation of someone tussling my hair and felt a kiss on my forehead. In a moment it was gone. I've had these sensations in the past when people I've loved had passed. As of this writing, I know of no one who is dying. That's not true, I have a half-sister who is dying.  I've never met her. When we were kids, she refused to speak to me.  She reached out a couple of months ago but I've not been able to connect with her given school and work.   She's my age.  It's upsetting for me to realize that my birth stole her father away from her.  He was married to her mother legitimately.  He lied about his name on the marriage certificate with my mom.  As hard as my life was, it's hard to imagine the pain my sister is in. I need to carve out a day to spend time with her. My aunt had ...

Today I am thankful that the ratio of assholes to kind people in my life is around 1 in 50.  I am also thankful for the insight of a former supervisor, a local politician and my current supervisor. I found my dream job.  This job was one I wanted since I was seventeen years old.  I've always wanted to work on a suicide hotline.  It started after I was sexually assaulted and didn't where to turn. I always wanted to be like the voice on the other end of the line. ***** A little over a year ago, I lost my job and went to a political meeting to complain about my neighbors being evicted and made homeless over the parking in front of my home.  I mentioned to the man who would become mayor that I had time to engage in politics because I had no job and thought that a volunteer gig would keep me out of trouble. He suggested that I consider getting a job on a crisis line.  I never thought they paid.  He told me that they did. Of course, I'm a do...

Today I am thankful for self-control.  So.... Over the past couple of years, I've seen countless self-proclaimed witches who cast spells in an attempt to bind politicians. Why? Seriously, if you know anything about the craft, why would you bind yourself to someone that you can't stand? Witches use binding for love. They are used to bind themselves to other people. This, in and of itself, is unethical.  It is controlling.  Imposing your will on another human being is just, plain flat out wrong. I can imagine that love binding spells create stalkers. I've never cast such a spell.  I had a stalker; a guy would lie to his family and they followed me around for years. It destroyed my life. You NEVER want that. ***** There are people who will claim, well......that they want to bind Donald Trump from pinching women's asses, taking away abortion rights, killing Mexicans and letting businesses cut down all the trees and smother the planet in...

My personal faux lyric: Bitches keep on bitchin'  Today I am thankful that I realize that I cannot escape politics. This thought was inspired by a Longmont councilwoman who threatened conservatives with taking away their rights in a YouTube video but failed to share how she wants to curtail their rights and exactly how she plans on doing that. I think she was mad that they stood on a street corner collecting coats for the homeless. I wasn't there.  I was in school working towards my dream of helping homeless addicts by getting licensed as a drug counselor. I'm so angry at her words and her lack of decorum that I'm finding myself toying with the idea of sharing the video around the internet to start her Warhol clock Or sending the video to a reporter acquaintance in the hopes it'll start a national conversation about what is real. She's lucky I don't live in Longmont.  I really like messing with people who mess with citizens. ...

Today I am thankful for the realization that public transit forces me to socialize.  The worst thing about living one's life in the havoc of challenge and despair is that one becomes self-absorbed.  The focus is on solving one's own problems.  There is little energy or time for other people.  Taking the bus for 2.5 hours per day is teaching me that maybe I'm taking on too much.   I can't figure out how to fix the mess I'm in.  I think my ex lost his job (could be wrong...but I don't think so).  I can't figure out how to solve the financial issue yet.  The answers will come.  I'm just not so sure two jobs and school are wise.   There is another issue with public transit.  It reminds me of my first love.  In fact, ten years ago, he confided that he also had issues with riding the bus because it reminds him too much of me.  It's probably the smell of engine lubricant, dirt and vomit that stir ...