Today I am thankful for the perspective of blocked memories.
Michael sent me an email the other day claiming that he was homeless and in rehab. He chastised me because I didn't "understand his reality."
He totally forgot that I was homeless at seventeen after my parents died and my uncle's girlfriend demanded I leave his house. My uncle was getting paid by social security to keep me.
It didn't matter to his girlfriend.
I was rescued by a gay man whose parents threw him out when he came out of the closet. He finished high school living on his own in a scary part of town.
This man took pity on me and helped me find an apartment. I worked a lot so I had money. I was just seventeen and had no one to cosign for me. This man did. I wasn't going to let him down.
His name was Jim.
I've tried over the years to pay Jim's kind deed back. I always swore if I had a son, I'd name him James.
It never happened.
Even my cat is female.
Jim opened my eyes to the realities of political oppression and how idiots in the statehouse can make the lives of our brethren intolerable.
Jim is the reason I fought Amendment 2.
Jim is the reason I've tried to pay it forward over the years by giving spare rooms to gay teenagers so they could finish high school.
So far, I've done that twice.
******
I felt sick the first day after receiving my ex-husband's email.
I was told to doubt his words. He's lied to me in the past. He could be lying to try to get me to absolve him of child support.
That was the point of the email.
I almost fell for it.
Then I remembered why we divorced.....
it was due to his family stalking me
-and-
his pretending to see a therapist to solve the problems.
I filed for divorce when I didn't see bills come from his therapist but I found receipts from McDonalds with the same days and times of the alleged therapy appointments.
Pretending to go to therapy is something narcissists do.
******
I could have had a different career -
IF my ex and his cohorts didn't work so hard to get me fired from jobs.
They harassed me during my internship with the District Attorney. One day my boss called me and my ex yelled at me while I was on the phone.
I was asked to resign. One cannot advocate for victims of domestic violence when her husband acts like an abusive turd in front of her boss.
That is probably the reason I never was hired for another county gig.
That's okay.
My mind raced to all the times he took my car when I had job interviews -or- forgot to come home to stay with the kids when I had a volunteer or work gig.
I remembered those times, even after the divorce, his relatives would harass me at home to keep me from attending job fairs or interviews.
There were those times they hassled my colleagues and clients ruining my business. I took out a loan and spent about $10,000 into my business. I'm still paying that loan off.
I remember the feeling of despair I had when I graduated college and every job opportunity I had would be ruined somehow.....
my car would go missing....
I would be harassed....
or my employer would be harassed.
I remember crying a lot.
I don't think he understood my reality....
my stuck-ness.....
I really don't think he cared.
I no longer have sympathy for him.
If he had allowed me to finish my P hD., I'd be making six figures and paying him palimony.
Without a professional psychology license, my degrees are worthless. Yes, I am a registered psychotherapist but that's not the same as being a psychologist.
It's an entirely different paygrade.
I sell insurance to survive.
He brought this on himself.
I hope he learns his lesson.
If he wants my cooperation, he needs to learn to communicate.
*******
If he is homeless -
the worst part is that I cannot let him live here in the empty basement apartment.
The last time I did that, he became obnoxious, demanding and refused to leave.
He said that if I gave him my mini-van (which I'm still paying for) he could keep his job and pay child support. I gave him the van and it didn't happen.
He used the same promise to get me to buy him gas and purchase goods for his so-called business trips.
When he kept getting fired, I told him about jobs.
He yelled at me.
I don't want to be played anymore.
I want to make sure that my investments actually mean something to someone.
I hope he gets help and realizes that we all have to work together to survive this life.
Love ya lots,
S.