Today I am thankful for my female colleagues; they taught me something.
I am not afraid of men.
I am afraid to be alone with men in public.
So.....
One of my female colleagues invited the social worker to sit with us at lunch.
He offered me his food.
It was health food disguised as junk food.
Sharing food is a subconscious sign that someone considers you part of his or her tribe.
I, on the other hand, had junk food disguised as health food.
I only had a gross protein cookie that tasted like chalk and a Diet Pepsi to wash it down with.
I cared too much to share.
We could talk when my friend was around.
He patiently listened as my friend played a variety of Dr. Who ring tones for me and I tried to guess which Doctor the sound belonged to. I recognized the sound of the intro to number Doctor #1, #2 and #10.
I confused Bad Wolf's theme song with River Song's theme.
I guess I failed the test.
Well, you know, no one is perfect.
Oh no.....I hope he doesn't diagnose me with Fantasy Prone Personality or something!!
Just kidding....I like the Dr. Who ringtones because they get my attention and few people have them. If I hear the T-Mobile ringtone, I don't know if it's my phone. If I hear the sound of the Tardis, I know the call is for me.
I'm not afraid of talking to the flirtatious social worker when people are around.
In class the teacher is instructing us to work together.
I'm not alone with him so it isn't an issue.
Luckily, there are far prettier single women in this class for him to flirt with.
There is no worry for me now.
I have to ask myself what gives?
Why am I afraid to be alone with men?
Well.....I went into a handy-dandy meditative state.
I remembered that I had a huge crush on the security guard at my last job.
He was 53.
We spent numerous lunch hours talking and laughing.
We both liked classic rock. He grew up in a small town in Denver. We both had an interest in geology and collected various rocks and minerals.
He made beautiful jewelry for his daughters. He'd bring it in to show me before gifting it to them. It was always gorgeous.
I wanted to take a wire wrapping class with him but we could never get our schedules to mesh.
We talked about weekend trips we'd never take and he would drive his classic cars to work to show them off.
With little warning, I was promoted and never saw him again. I was asked to work in a different office building.
I heard he quit.
He left a message for me asking if I wanted to spend the night out of town for a gem and mineral show. I declined out of fear that my ex would stalk us.
My ex still lived here at the time. We had been divorced nearly three years but my ex refused to move out.
I distinctly remember being terrified to drag him into my world.
During my meditation, I remembered some of the other opportunities I lost due to the stalking.
One of my absolute favorite psychologist/authors came to Boulder and invited me to tea. I declined.
A really fun bass player wanted to meet up for coffee. He has interesting movements on stage - the kind that used to make me wonder what he'd be like.....um....in other venues. I will never think that again because he just got married!! His wife is beautiful and kind. That rejection worked out very well for him.
An activist buddy asked me out. I pretended that I was too busy. I think he knew better. He also knows about the stalking.
Anyone who has been to coffee or tea with me knows about the stalking.
It hurts.
These are people I've met before in public. They were all very kind. I was too afraid of being watched again. I was afraid of causing trouble for them.
I started to stay away from people on a social level.
There have been others, too.
I guess I am still afraid of being stalked.
Part of me wonders if the court shenanigans are part of the stalking. I am asked to fill out affidavits describing every aspect of my life for my ex (under the guise of child support modification).
He won't fill out the affidavits for me.
The stalking may be over but I think the modification requests are a new manner of keeping tabs on me.
I don't know.
Maybe my ex is truly homeless and living in poverty.
Maybe it's just a rouse trying to get me to let him live here again.
I don't know.
It's really none of my business.
I'll just pay the lawyer to deal with my ex.
I do have a fear that my kids will be asked to report on my life to him. If I have no life, they'll be nothing to report.
Sad, huh?
I honestly think that if I ever decided to date, the crap would hit the fan.
Controlling men need someone to control.
So....I'll just stay silent.
Yeah......
So....tomorrow is my birthday.
Everyone forgot.
We had plans but the people made different plans.
That's great!!! This means that I won't be on the hook to pay for fancy dinners for relatives.
I'm planning on having a spa night with a lavender bath and alpha hydroxy acid washes and all sorts of creepy things that little old ladies do to pretend not to be so old.
Maybe I'll listen to some 80's music, too. .
As far as the money I'm going to save on going out.....well....I'm going to put the money I save aside in a box. I'm going to also put 10% of any bonus/commission income I earn in this box, too. The hope is that someday I can replenish my bass guitar collection.
Okay.....maybe just get one bass.
I like to role play as Larry Graham when I'm frustrated.
I have discovered that I can get the dishwasher to beat in certain time signatures. If I load it with a certain cookie sheet in the back, I hear a perfect 4/4 rhythm.
If I put the huge cookie sheet in front, it sounds like a 3/4 waltz.
I guess I miss my bass. It's probably due to the people I spend most of my time with.
Oh, I didn't tell you. The HR lady who set up the class I am in put me with three other bass players. I find them incredibly inspirational.
They are members of my tribe. Yes, I share my good food with them.
It's good to know people in power.
Love ya lots,
S.