Today I am thankful for insightful friends and the belief that eclipses reveal the truth about people.
My ex trying to zero out his child support, not that he's ever paid a penny.
He is claiming to be unemployed. He took a job for a few weeks at $12 an hour and is claiming that this is all he can make.
He's an accountant. I helped him get a degree.
*******
I've been researching Google and I think this is the variant of the scam he's running:
http://au.askmen.com/answers/general/32039-can-you-beat-child-support-yes-you-can-this-wor.html
Basically, the scam is to take a low paying job and then submit that as proof of income to the court.
******
I am in the process of hiring a family law attorney.
I took some time to talk to a friend of mine who is a lawyer. He prefers to spend his time helping defendants he feels are being railroaded by the system. He's a defense attorney.
He's been divorced and knows the games people play.
This is what he surmised.
My ex had a very stable job history until 2008. He worked for the same company for nearly 20 years.
This lawyer knew we were having troubles in 2007 because I had hired him for another issue. In fact, he warned me about the stalking and told me to change all of my internet passwords.......in 2007!
He claimed Michael was stalking me despite my insistence that the only person harassing me was Michael's sister. He urged me to file for a divorce immediately because he feared that Michael would raid the retirement accounts.
Yes, this lawyer proved correct. Michael raided the retirement accounts. I estimate about $50,000 to $65,000 has gone missing. I cannot find the paperwork, so I'll never know exactly how much money he took.
I did get a judgment for $15,000 that went missing after we filed for a divorce.
The stalking may have been a means to get information he could barter with during the divorce.
During our conversation today, I mentioned that my ex started calling me his ex-wife in 2007. His uncle died in 2007 and he returned from the funeral calling me Mrs. Erickson.
Erickson was the name of an old high school boyfriend.
I gave my ex the benefit of the doubt. Milton Erickson is the name of my favorite hypnotist so, at first, I assumed that he meant I was a good hypnotist.
I soon learned that Michael was talking to his cousin every day. I went to high school with this cousin and she knew about my old boyfriend and I. In 2007, this cousin claimed to be dating my old boyfriend's neighbor.
Upon reflection, I realized Michael was making a crack at my former relationship and our marriage. That hurt deeply. Despite promises that he would seek counseling, his calling me by a different name felt like a punch in the heart.
My lawyer friend said that it would seem that another lawyer told my ex to leave the high paying job until the divorce was final.
This would explain his firing from the City of Aurora in 2008.
Perhaps my ex engineered what went down with the City of Aurora and purposely failed to meet his collection quota. I'm not a fan of gotcha taxation: It seems unfair to small businesses given the city's alleged focus on compliance rather than review generation. The auditors stated they focused on compliance but after having one of them deposed, I learned that their jobs depended on revenue generation and some of the tactics they used were downright illegal. That was between 2007-2011.
Aurora has new leadership. I'm hoping the illegal and unethical tactics have stopped. I heard from bar owners that auditors would show up with cops demanding to see the accounting books late at night and then citing them for not having them available while threatening to take their liquor licenses. Auditors are supposed to give business owners a realistic amount of time to share their information. A government employee cannot demand it at 2:00 a.m.
Local governments should not force their auditors to collect $500,000 in fines every year.
*My hope is that these type of performance quotas will stop because they breed illegal activity.
Still, the City Attorney had absolutely no business fining us illegally and letting his minion ass't harass me on the phone. I had a little too much fun with them after that.
If they had left me alone, I wouldn't have contributed my skills to the anti-tax groups or play wanna-be politician.
*I hope the activists pass their latest initiative. It'll stop the illegal fines once and for all (for small businesses, city employees, citizens and especially motorists).
There is a lesson there.
My ex got a really good paying job at his former employer about the time he filed bankruptcy. I couldn't proceed with the divorce until the bankruptcy was completed. He drug the paperwork out on that. It took three years to get him to comply.
It was over in 2013. I filed for divorce immediately. We signed the paperwork in September. My ex wanted the actual divorce date to be January 2014 so he could claim a nice tax refund.
He was supposed to move out in October 2013. He didn't.
He was supposed to share the marital funds with me by November 2013. He didn't.
He lost this job two years later in September of 2015.
My lawyer friend asked what happened in September of 2015.
"Well....I saved up money and was interviewing family law attorneys to help me get Michael out of my house. I rarely went a week without a member of his family harassing me and I was becoming incredibly frightened.
The day before he was fired, a woman called claiming to be with a law firm. She said no lawyer could help me and hung up. Two weeks later, the real lawyer called me and said she was out of town. She apologized for not returning my call. That's when I realized he or his sister had hacked my phone and Gmail account to find out who I called. They spoofed the call to try to derail my attempts to get him out of the house and to get the funds I was awarded in the divorce.
When he lost his job, I was afraid to go to court for fear I'd have to pay him alimony as the judge gave us two years to discuss it. I tried mediation but Michael refused to cooperate"
Yeah.......I'm feeling like a fool for having to have someone spell it out to me.
I guess it's not uncommon for irresponsible non-custodial parents to quit their jobs or engineer firings so that they bottom out their income when they're looking at family court drama.
In fact, my ex has claimed to be fired each and every time we had a court date. He lost his insurance job a couple of days after I filed a contempt action against him for refusing to leave my home. He told the judge he hadn't work in over a year. That wasn't true at the time of our hearing. I fear what will happen if he shows up in front of a judge with a copy of his work history.
Now, I'm seeing the game clearly.
It's sad.
It's so very sad.
I don't want to play.
I have the names of three more attorneys. I'll hire the best one.
*******
My attorney friend gave me a pep-talk.
I am in no way, shape or form responsible for finding, printing and returning documents to my ex so he could find a job. In recent months I was asked to get copies of his college transcripts, car title and other things that he left here in a big pile.
I spent hours hunting down these documents. There were times I couldn't find them.
Michael argued with me for taking too much time getting these things to him.
In all reality, Michael can get these things elsewhere. He can go to his college to get the transcripts. He can go to the DMV to get his title.
I don't have to drive to bus stops looking for him to return documents he should keep track of.
I should never have given him my mini-van after the divorce.
I should never have paid for his auto insurance after he was evicted from my house.
I should never have given him money for petrol.
My ex asked for these favors and funds, claiming it would keep him employed so he could pay child support.
He's never paid child support.
I was reminded that he's not a man of his word.
He's never paid a dime.
There is no return for the investment of my time and money.
The favors are just a means to control me and waste my time.
I am to knock it off immediately.
It is so noted.
********
Of course, I cannot repeat any of the conjecture about my ex in court. I only share it so anyone else who follows this blog due to dealing with a controlling person can see the game.
He was diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). It is one of four disorders that encompass the Cluster B designation (Narcissist, Histrionic, Borderline and Anti-social). Cluster B people tend to be slick. They have an excuse and an explanation for everything.
This where I tell you to trust your gut. If something feels wrong, it usually is. You're not paranoid. You're paying attention.
Maybe this story will help someone get out faster than I did.
I never considered he played games to put himself in dire straights so that he could take control of the post-divorce situation.
Who in their right mind impoverishes themselves to get out of child support and alimony?
Apparently more people do this than I realize.
Oh, and the biggest clue that he had a problem was his constant threat of suicide if I tried to assert myself. Once I asked how he planned to do himself in.
He stated that he wanted to go out the Monty Python way by eating himself to death. That should have been a clue that he wasn't serious.
If an abusive guy threatens suicide, they are most likely trying to control your behavior. I'd get help. You never know if the man is one of those suicidal people that will take you and kids with him so you can be a family again in the afterlife.
Murder suicides are happening far too much.
********
My lawyer friend went on to complete an internet search on the place my ex claims to live.
The internet search was quite revealing. I'm going to keep this stuff to myself until the attorney I hire has a chance to comment on it.
It's probably nothing but conjecture.
It'll probably go nowhere.
I'll share it anyway.
Learning what I did made me feel like I've been played like a chump.
The city didn't do the stuff my ex claimed.
The City of Aurora is NOT paying his rent. He probably told me that in the hopes I'd run to my reporter buddies and make a fool of myself.
Michael claimed that the city was paying for his housing because he was technically homeless.
I meet so many homeless people on Colfax, I'd be incredibly pissed off if the city were paying my ex's rent and letting mentally ill people freeze to death in the cold or suffer from heatstroke in the summer.
******
Maybe I'll write about spending four hours in the ER with a homeless man. That's how I spent the wee hours of my Saturday - with a homeless 55 year old man at a local hospital. This man has an addiction problem - he knew about Aurora Mental Health. He knew about Aurora Warms the Night.
He did NOT know about PATH (a program which offers a path out of homelessness).
He said that his ID, birth certificate and SS card were stolen. He needs those things to access services.
He also said that there are only 50 beds available to the homeless in our city of over 350,000.
He claims there are no lockers to store his IDs and belongings. My understanding is that Aurora was using the money they collect from marijuana sales to fund services for the homeless (providing lockers, help securing documentation, a 4,000 bed shelter, mental health and job services among other things).
I guess I need to do more research. Perhaps these services won't be available for a while.
There are times when I wonder if the Gods put people like the homeless man on my path so I hold the local government's feet to the fire.
The more I have to deal with my ex's antics, the less time I have to push accountability.
The more jobs I have to work, the less time I have for activism.
Maybe the government wants to help my ex be a deadbeat -
or would he be a turnip?
If one plays poor, one cannot pay bills.
He's not a victim. He put himself in this situation by playing games.
In the end, the children will pay the price for his gaming the system.
In the end, the children will pay the price for his gaming the system.
*******
The lessons from my post are
1.) Be as good to as many people as you can because you never know if they'll be able to give advice in the future.
2.) If your husband starts calling you Mrs. [high school boyfriend's last name], file for divorce before he cleans out the 401K and plays games with his employer. Yes, I found some of his former supervisor's written rants in the paper pile in the basement; aside from her bizarre gossip about me - her stories about his behavior mirror my experience with him.
2.) If your husband starts calling you Mrs. [high school boyfriend's last name], file for divorce before he cleans out the 401K and plays games with his employer. Yes, I found some of his former supervisor's written rants in the paper pile in the basement; aside from her bizarre gossip about me - her stories about his behavior mirror my experience with him.
Most notably she wrote "Michael is playing games."
Yeah....he does that.
So did she. That's why I wasn't sympathetic to her when she lied about me in a public forum. She's a government employee and I was shocked at how much the City Attorney repeated her bogus lies aboout me. The outcome would have been much, much different if she hadn't broken the law in relation to me. I should mention that every wife of a city employee fined was said to have been abused and non-cooperative. Every man fined was said to be abusive. So, the City Attorney is responsible for the lies (and was not just repeating what Michael said). I confirmed with a Union Attorney that this is a strategy used to intimidate employees into quitting their jobs.
Michael's former boss claimed I was being beat but didn't report it to the cops. Mike's boss was dating a cop - they were both city employees. The least she could have done was reported her conjecture rather than use that as an excuse to steal $500 in cash from my family. Tax Auditors and City Attorneys cannot levy fines against their employees as it is against Federal Wage and Hour law. I heard she was fined illegally, too. Illegally fining employees is a horrible way to bolster tax revenues.
I got the best of the situation. I'm not done yet!!! Taking off my blindfold was stupid- I was the last person city leadership wanted to see their illegal shenanigans. I've fought government organizations since I was sixteen years old fighting to get my sister out of an abusive foster home. I've had a heck of a lot of practice being an activist.
Yes, my ex is a bully. The City Attorney is a bully. When two bullies play keep away from a person impacted by the game - the story can get incredibly complicated. Bullies complicate things in the hopes that everyone throws up their hands in frustration and ignores the information. This is WHY bullies win in court - judges and attorneys get frustrated and stop paying attention.
3.) It's okay to say NO to a control freak. They'll promise to do what they are supposed to do if you give up things you need. Don't do it. It's not your responsibility. They won't keep their end of the bargain anyway.
When I share this advice, I'm not only talking about abusive exes. I'm also talking about unethical government employees. Don't give in to their crap.
4.) Spending eight hours in an ER can teach you a lot about your local government. I did some research for the homeless guy today. A city council hopeful gave me the names and resources to share with him. My gut feeling is that I can find him at the local daily lunch provided for the homeless. I wanted to volunteer but the hours conflict with the temporary job I found.
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I'll keep interviewing lawyers and hire the one that sounds confident in separating the truth from the lies.
I doubt one I hire will tell me what my friend had the nerve to say.
They are ugly, revealing truths.
I only wished I had listened to this lawyer friend ten years ago. It would have saved me a heck of a lot of time and money.
Love ya lots,
S.
Next Day Edit: I decided that I didn't want to deal with my ex-husband's crap anymore. My friend's insight stung and I thought it would be best to pass it off to someone who has met him.
The more I reflect on it, the more I realize my ex was screaming for a divorce for well over a decade.
I hired my former attorney again. I like him. He won't care about the conjecture or the games played during the marriage. He'll just wants the facts I can prove. The facts in and of themselves are pretty damning.
He's too much of a gentleman to tell me what my friend told me so I'll let it go.
It dawned on me that Michael is playing games to stay on my radar and continue to get my attention.
I'll let the lawyer deal with Michael's bull crap so I can focus on other things like working two jobs to support the kids. My hypnosis practice is on hiatus so I can focus completely on gaining a new job.
-Also-
The little tidbit about being nice to everyone has paid off. Tomorrow I have my third interview for a job in Golden. It pays $19.50 an hour. I won't work a solid 40 hours a week but I'll get more licenses and have improved job prospects if this company lays me off.
Wish me luck.
Hugs,
S.