Today I am thankful that I realize why I have dirty dreams of men I used to know.
Okay, one guy.
When I have dreams of him, it's always on Saturday mornings. I awaken a little freaked out. I smell the spent candles, roses and the ylang ylang.
I always thought it was because I'm Pagan.
I thought it had something to do with my making wishes while inhaling roses and staring into a statue of Aphrodite.
When I dream of him, he looks older.
When I dream of him, he tends to show up looking just like I had envisioned.
It's gotten to the point I run away from anyone who remotely resembles him. He's about 6' 2." I stay away from tall, lanky auburn haired men with blue eyes.
After these dreams, I wake up to scald myself in hot water....
and eat bad food.
I always eat crap.
I think I'm trying to gain weight to avoid love because....
well....
I can't afford to gain weight because I need to wear magical clothes.
All my magical clothes are size 8.
I've got to drop the weight.
So......
I chase the dreams away with sleeping pills.
I've done this since I was seventeen years old.
Yeah...it's the same guy.
They're just dreams.
They're not real.
They are NOT real.
Some of the dreams are sexy. Most of the time, they have been frightening.
I've dreamt of him breaking limbs, getting sick, getting beat up by angry Asian chicks with knives in their sexy boots....
Most of the time, the dreams scare me.
Thankfully, they're not real.
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Well maybe one could be real.......maybe the one where Eros has shot him with hundreds of golden arrows and he's wounded and bleeding. I want to help him but Hecate's black dogs keep biting me when I approach.
That could be real.
There is love there. It's messy and old and crazy.
I am afraid of him. When he was younger, he had a temper. His temper always led HIM to get hurt. The worst thing he did to me physically was shake me. He did it once when I did not want to let him into my home without an adult present. I was sixteen. He was shaken by the fear in my eyes and he promised he never would do anything like that again. He never did.
Although rumor had it that he hit a roommate about six months after we broke up. The roommate was a guy who lived with me. He was a friend of my sister's. To this day, I don't know if the rumor was true or something my relatives made up. The guy didn't live in my apartment too long after that. I'll never know.
The worst thing he did to me emotionally was hit his head into a metal locker because he was frustrated that I was depressed after my step-father died. I feared that my presence would kill him eventually. This is probably the real reason I run way.
Maybe those dreams mean something. Hecate is the goddess of protection.
That dream......that dream could have a real message for me.
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The dreams I've had lately are about him the past six months are different.
In these dreams he does stuff like drop his pants
and I run off.
In another dream, he gets me alone and hugs me. My hand brushes against an erect body part
and I run off.
In the dream this morning, he asked me for intimacies and...
wait for it.....
I ran off.
Maybe my subconscious mind is telling me to stop hiding and running.
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I finally realize why the dreams catch up with me at 3:33 on Saturday mornings.
I stay up until midnight every Friday honoring Dionysus, Aphrodite and Eros.
I drink my ceremonial wine.
I fall asleep meditating.
I want to know where I'm supposed to go
-and- what I'm supposed to do.
The answer to the second question should always be a verb -
e.g. help others -not- do him or her!
Don't knock it.
I've gotten quite a few ideas for sexy videos, songs and self-help ideas on Friday night!
I don't take my sleeping pills.
The wine wears off about the time the dreams come.
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So.....
I think I need a new special friend to honor Aphrodite with me.
I need someone new.
If I date another musician, we can honor Dionysus together.
Hmmmmm........
I think of wanting an insight to hit me....
and then one did.
The universe had one run into me....literally....he ran into the back of my car on a Monday.
Monday....the day of the moon....the day to honor the Egyptian Goddess of Love.
Maybe.....there is a reason we keep running into each other.
Maybe Isis and Osiris are answering a prayer I thought I was making about the dude in the dreams. I wanted him to find his wife.
Maybe the things I pray for others happen for me, too?
Maybe if I want love to find others,
maybe it'll hit me?
Maybe all those things I wanted with him years ago, need to happen with someone else?
Maybe the dreams are about someone else?
Okay....so...the next time I see the guy who broke my car and fixed it......the lonely man....who I really enjoy speaking with....about music and singing.....
The next time I see him, I'll ask him if he wants a home cooked dinner.
I should pay attention to the signs the Gods send.
What's the point of praying if I ignore their insight?
Who knows? Maybe I won't see him again.
But maybe I will....
This time, I'll try not to run off.
Love ya,
S.
Edit three weeks later: Well....I saw the guy who keeps running into me. He was at the grocery store. He looked at me....
smiled....
and I ran off.
Luckily, he didn't crash into my car this time.
I'm not ready, am I?