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Can't Stop Crying

Today I am thankful for EAP counselors.

So....

I was called into a meeting.  My boss is trying very hard to get me to save my job by forcing me to work from home.

I know he's trying.  He just doesn't understand....

HOME IS NOT MY SAFE PLACE!

He accommodated my hours.  He accommodated my upcoming hearing. 

Here is the problem, I hate my home.

I hate the spare rooms I have.

My ex lived there.

He left a horrible mess there.

It smells like rotten food, poop and body odor. 

I spend hours each day trying to clean it up and I just end up having panic attacks on the floor.

The smell reminds me of all the scary times....the rants....the blocking me when I tried to leave the house.....the cornering me and telling me to run off and 'eff my friends.

It reminds me of Doug and Shannon....

the lies.....

and the frightening things I'm trying to escape.

Today the panic attack came to work with me. 

*********

It could be that after I called the HR department, some idiot called me with a similar number.  I answered thinking it was the HR department.

It turned out to be a jackass who bought a Groupon for his wife because he wants her to be super skinny.  He wants me to promise I'll make his wife skinny and less bitchy.

He was very insistent.  I think I pissed him off when I told him that I will work on what she wants to work on and if he wants a refund to contact Groupon.

Controlling men get on my nerves.  That bothered me.

I was called into a meeting.  I tried visualizing working from home.  I could not breathe! 

It was so bad, I went white.  Everyone noticed. 

I tried to hide myself.  I started to shake.

I was in the back of the room and felt trapped.

The more they started talking about working from home, the more I saw myself working in that smelly, moldy basement......and the mess my ex left.

The worse my panic attack got.

I haven't had one for a very long time.

My eyes started to water uncontrollably. 

I just sat there, trying to hide my face with my notebook.

I can't work from home!

Not right now.  I can't do it! 

It's not a safe place for me.

There were too many stalking incidents, too many suggestions of cameras spying on me, too much of a mess.....

the basement is frighteningly scary....

it is the only place with spare rooms that I could use for an office. 

I have to clean it up so that the cable guy can install the broadband my employer demands.

I don't know if I want to pay to install cable into a room for a job I cannot handle.

*****************
There was a reason I sounded so happy to be at work.

The job didn't pay anything.

I was just happy to be there!

I was happy to have something to do for people who appreciated it!

I don't know how to explain this to an employer.

Maybe I should just find another job for a company that doesn't push telecommuting onto its employees. 

******************

It's been eight hours since the meeting, I'm still having trouble breathing.

My eyes are still watering.

I have a headache.

This feels like all those nights I cried myself to sleep years ago;

those nights when the tears burned holes into my cheeks.

********************

I can't fathom how I can possibly work from home.

Maybe the best thing that could happen for me is that I'll get fired and lose my house.

That way I don't have to worry about the craziness anymore!

May you be happy no matter where you find yourself.

Love ya,

S.



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