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Realizations

 Today I am thankful for those rare moments when I actually think....

 especially when the thoughts lead to decisions. 


I'm about to enroll in school. 

School was the only thing that kept me from having nightmares about people I really shouldn't worry about. 

I'm thinking that the dreams are the Divine's way of pushing me to get that doctorate I promised my mom I'd get when I was fourteen. 

So....

I'd better brush up on my CPR.....

because it'll be embarrassing in just a few years when someone screams out 

"is there a doctor in the house?" 

and all eyes move to me and I'll have to say 

"I'm not that kind of doctor." 

CPR....that was the only thing I ever did in which I was thankful for all those hours I spent playing bass. 


Seriously....the only help I can be in a medical emergency right now is to dial 911 and say something stupid like "Tell me what this is like for you?" 

Yeah.....I just want the psych doctorate because I want one of those octagon shaped hats. 

Wish I were joking.  That's probably the most honest thing I've ever written in this thing. 

Some of us do crazy stuff for fashion. 

So - well, see what happens. 

*****

The dreams are driving me insane. 

I'm not sleeping. 

The lack of sleep is making me cranky and clumsy. 

Yep, I'm still in pain -but- the dresses are helping. 

******
I'm not sure if I should continue writing this chapter of the blog.  This is the one in which I write the gossip as though it is true. 

It's kinda hard to stay in character. 

Weirdly, though, when one writes about bullshit in the first person....it's bizarre how some of those traits can come through in real life.  The shadow crap somehow, on a very small level, can become a part of you. 

Maybe I shouldn't give life to it any more. 

I'll think about it. 

I only wish the chemical burn was fictional. 

Thankfully, no one will ever have to see it. 

*****

Now that the gossip is drying up and people realize I'm crazier than any crap they could make up about me, it's pretty hard to get material to write about. 

It's probably a good thing. 

I'm at the point in my life where all my hard work is finally starting to bear fruit. I am getting so busy that I'll think up funny one liners and then log in to write about them

only to find that they escape me when I log in. 

So - 

Don't know when I'll write again. 

The lesson I'm trying to impart today is that the Creator, Great Spirit, Divine, Giant Spaghetti Monster, or Great Void of Nothingness will do nutty things to get your attention if you ignore it. 

Please trust your inner self and find your path so you don't live your life avoiding sleep (or even life itself). 

I'm thinking that's what those dreams are about.  They are a way to get me off of my lazy ass and keep my promise to my mother (albeit thirty five years too late).  

If the only way to keep the dreams at bay is to go back to school, 

I'm in. 

If my ex-husband was messing around with my education and career prospects, I can see why the Divine would give me nightmares about the one person my ex-husband was afraid I still cared about. 

Of course, I care.  I'm not a monster.  

Might look like one....but I don't want to see people in pain. 

My ex-husband just didn't expect to hear me blurt out that name in holy terror at 3:33 a.m.  It freaked him out to the point he started stalking me to the extent it messed with his career. 

The dreams were one way to end a horrible marriage to a controlling man. 

Score one for the Omnipotent Presence! 

*****

Right now, I'm trying to figure how to juggle all the things in my life.

Please don't take on sooo much that you forget to live your life.  If I had to do it all over again, I'd making having pleasant experiences with people I care about more of a priority. 

People don't keep.  We are not immortal. 

Now, I spend more time visiting my loved ones at the cemetery than I ever did at my home. 

Don't make that mistake. 

Love ya lots, 

S. 

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